Maybe next week monday ....if everything this week lines up right ....i know i am up late but shouldnt be this week ....too important

Oy

laughingman wrote:


I meant every day...why you waitin' for next Monday?
I was gonna bother you today, but I couldn't get onto this site.

I also had trouble ....maybe a hack? ....i got in through a different link on google ...and once on the forum system.you can pretty much read anything ....i think a link from the main page might be the problem ....anyone know for sure?

who cares?
let's worry about what we can do.....
when are we schedulin?

Soon as possible i hope ......i know i havent been in ages ....

sometimes ...many times it seems ....on the way down to your "hitting bottom" ....you can hit alot of windows on the way down ....and many times they seem irrepairable ..and as i look back at all the damage that has come .....probably in part of my stubborn refusal to fix myself right ....while claiming i am fixing myself .....

All things come to a head .....i just dont understand sometimes what ...if anything i can do to make up for my mistakes that hurt others

In attaining Sobriety a person will experience multiple miracles.

Just continue to work on keeping sober and davening to Hashem.

not only should we say one day at a time but also one issue at a time.

Enjoy your Sobriety. Your new healthy wholesome way about you will by osmosis carry over to other situations and relationships.

In time you will be in a much better place to tackle challenges that seem so formidable right now.

Also remember the sobriety prayer

"God grant me the serenity to
Accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And the Wisdom to know the difference."


Chochma Bagoyim Ta'amin

First off yerasshamayim kudos !!! 200+ days .....thats kot!

I read sometimes about the superstars of kedusha .....yknow the hidden yidden who somehow in our time stayed away from it all and immersed themselves in kedusha till they could tell you why you threw up this morning .....

I know that on my own i have always been super sensitive to certain things especially in kedusha and the opposite ....maybe thats why i have such a problem now .....

I also realize who the real heroes in the world are ....and that they worked tirelessly right through fire .....all in part to help others ....which is part of what makes a hero

Soo now i am almost done with my marathon.......i have been nearly constantly active all day every day despite what some might think merely because they dont see what i do or understand the circumstances of what i deal with ......i am trying to work through the result of nearly 3 -4 generations worth of bad choices and selfish decisions that have resulted in my current immediate familial isolation ....basically most of my family tree is apathetic for religious reasons
.....

In addition i now deal with the new reality that not everyone in my immediate family has emunah any more ....not that i blame them .....and i blame myself and all day i think of ways i could have been better and saved them ....i feel like i have become what i hate most

I could go on and on about things that definitely pushed the situation farther that are beyond my ability to control ....but i think my inability to control my panic for soo many years was a big contributing factor ......i remember on this thread someone warned me about making others feel like they were a burden ......i guess i understood too late .....everday i just go on and hope and pray that my children walk with Hashem like i try to now ......i feel like only an absolute miracle can undo the tremendous damage that has accured .....i think at the beggining about 12 years ago i had the opportunity to become something much more ...but my various illnesses and stubborness got in the way .....now my wife suffers everyday because her doctors simply dont seems to take her illness seriously ....they think they know what to do ....but it hasnt worked enough yet ....and now others in my family have illnesses that go undiagnosed and untreated because the doctors are soo busy treating adhd that nothing else is important ....

i am sorry i come here to rant ....i just want to cry out and be saved from all my nonsense ....but it is בין המצרים .....not a good time .....every year i feel.like i personally burned down the beit hamikdash .....through my negative actions ......and i dont even know that i have soo many ....i feel it is unfair sometimes .....there are people who are complete psychos ....whos kids are now matmidim ......
i dont understand the cheshbonot ....

Hi Laughingman!!!

It sounds really tough. I feel for you and i will be"h daven for you as well.

Just one thing i would like to point out you never focus or talk about all the great thing you do do. Think about every post here as another stone on the third bais hamikdash every time you daven to hashem for anything you are correcting the past and so on and so forth.

"tracht gut vet zain gut"

Wishing you lots of hatzlachah and true simcha!!!

One thing since i was young is i have a problem saying positive about myself ......i am always worried it will lead to haughtiness right away .....i do recognize that i dont try to do the wrong thing or make anyone feel bad or cause anyone harm and i try to give others benefit of the doubt and things like this ....i just am very concious and have always been my greatest critic .....today was my youngest boy's 5th birthday party .....now my family is much different then 3 years ago ....or even last year ....G-d watches over me for certain ....i contantly feel as though i take advantage with negative behavior though

I really want to reach out to someone on sunday at about 3 pm east time .......or about 10 israel time .....anyone interested pm me and G-d willing on motzai shabbat i will see ...

Besides that i have had a super crazy 2 weeks ....2 end of year parties/school trips (early like 8 -12), two birthday parties, a school clearing out session, a new school trip ( the equivilant of going to nj from brooklyn, though not in distance) and dealing with beurocrats ....all super fun.......but exhausting.....also my parents lives have become my life somewhat cause im helping my father further transition to nursing life .....and watching as my parents lifes' work and possesions potentially become a lawn sale grab-fest ......all strong anxiety triggers ....

The fun never stops

Thank you everyone who takes out the time to say thank you ...although it is i who should thank everyone else

3 weeks time .....trying really to stay low key ....and finish this project im working on that seems to go on forever ......but good news im in process of building a new computer rig ......yay ...

I might never be free completely ....cause i simply cant get passed my same old issue .....selfishness ...impatience ......impulsiveness...


i could be promised gold in 2 days ...but before the first day is over i will anxiety away...

I have made real progress .
...but its not enough yet .....i guess i feel i should suffer more even ....i wonder when will it be enough ...

I have been looking at my "90 day chart diary" and i realize ....i have had 25 different falls in 2 and a half years ...or put another way ....i have only broken sobriety that many times ....and some of those i was being more strict on myself than the rules posted ......i have averaged out to about a month of sobriety .....something to keep watch when i next get to level 5 ......to watch for that hopelessness and depression and to remember this ....this is the real effect

i always feel alittle disconnected .....cause im all anonymous here ....but to me a moniker is a moniker and makes no difference as long as i dont go by other names here at the same time ....