laughingman wrote:

Laughingman - I just caught up on the last number of pages of your thread... your determination is so evident and an inspiration to us all (if I may speak for the others). And about calling Dov - I have done so as well - I was nervous too before the first time I called, but it was worth every minute. And, on the time difference, if it's not a good time for him, then presumably he will not pick up... and you can try again later.

Please G-d, you should do the "right thing" in every moment you find yourself in today.

B'hatzlacha rabba,
Larry

I certain that we are at a very late hour
....why else would the yetzer/my addiction/wtvr ...try soo hard ....with everything in my life the way it is ....this is the LAST struggle someone in my position would want .....

And now here i am 2 years after first starting the 90 day chart ....with only reaching 90 once .....sometimes i doubt my commitment .....but i try to cut myself alittle ease ....i have been tracking every fail and slip and wtvr ....and i have done this with bipolar and severe deppression ....and no meds or therapy ....only my prayers .....and both hands behind me ......i am not patting myself on the back ....just stating facts


I really am trying to call dov ....even got an alarm telling me an optimal time to call.....but this week at that time has been extra busy ......there are alot of things happening this week that never happen

both hands behind you! hmmm that's good, but then you are pattin' yourself on the back...aren't you?

Keep up the super attitude, and we look forward to seein' you leadin' dat horse down 13th avenue with a bugle in your mouth announcin' the comin' of Mashiach....and we will know it's you, for we will see you then pattin' yourself on the back.

feel good....and your wife as well

b'hatzlachah

It's absolutely a balancing act - at least for me, anyway - on one hand, I don't want to get too high on myself and risk crashing back down... but on the other hand, if I never give myself any credit, then I'm running myself into the ground... sounds to me a lot like Avos (1:14), Hillel HaZakein... ?אם אין אני לי, מי לי? וכשאני לעצמי, מה אני

Great that you're trying to talk with Dov... hopefully you'll get through to him soon.

Hope you (and all of us) have a good, clean day.

-- Larry

Explaining myself has never been my strong suit .....my thoughts get so jumbled i sometimes barely know myself ....but at the same time i always need chizuk and guidance ....

All of us go through difficult times ....and saying you have had it difficult or going through memories of difficult times is natural

No ones difficult times can truly be compared to anyone elses ...because each person percieves differently ...

I like the picture in your posts. I wonder if that is you. If it is, then It reminds me that the word 'recovery' refers to getting back to the innocent, happy child we once were. For some of us that ended at 16, for some at 13, some earlier...but most of us were cute, happy and easy-to-dance at the ages of 3 or 4!

AA's say that whenever we started drinking, we stopped growing up.

So once in my 3rd or 4th year sober when I was busy whining about how screwed up I was, my sponsor asked me how old I was when I started masturbating myself and sneaking sweet porn. I said "about 12." He then asked me how many years it had been since I last masturbated, and I told him. And his response was, "Then you are now about 16 now and it stinks to be an adolescent. Give yourself the space to whine a bit, but let's keep on growing up, OK?" We both had a big laugh and I felt much better being able to laugh at myself a bit, and move on.

That is me ....second grade .....i am aware that it looks like younger ....i was at least 9 1/2...also ....my looking at inapropriate material basically started at 16 .....m******** didnt start till after i was married ....and even from the outset i was fighting it ....i just didnt have anyway to quantify my struggle or a definitive goal to look to ....now i do ...its still difficult but having a destination is important in a journey

laughingman wrote:


To properly explain something, you need objectivity, otherwise, you're just relaying your opinion, peppered, maybe, with a few facts here and there. Try as you might, you'll never be able to see yourself objectively. That's why psychologists and psychiatrists are required to see other therapists. You cannot conduct therapy with yourself. So don't worry; we're all in the same boat.

For me, a crucial step in this journey has been letting go of the need to understand EVERYTHING. I do enjoy reading up on the science of addiction, etc., but now, it's just academic for me. When it comes to MY recovery, it's all about actionable insights.

Today i fulfilled a condition I set as my taphsic penalty .....and i feel much better for it ...

then we feel better as well.

Had the pre pesach rush .....and then chol hamoed was ok till today .....i had a massive fight wih my wife ......my fault ....i say things in frustration i shouldnt ......i am depressed now

Do a step 4 about it on paper or in your head, talk about it to another person and ask for Hashem's guidance and make an amends.

Hatzlacha!

Maybe i should look up the 12 steps ......i did it once .....or twice .....but my memory on it isnt that good .....

Anyway sometimes all i can do is not make things worse ....and also i learn to trust my family members ....and realize i have a whole lot of negative feelings that are unwarrented .....

This is my bipolarness......on the one hand i understand and accept that i have alot of issues to deal with and on the other i have a problem where awareness of the problem is not having the affect of preventing outbursts ...or negative behavior ...

Chag sameach

I have always had trouble in my relationships with people.....