Hey, I was writing to laughingman (who I love very much and have had some time to chat with in one form or another for a while)...did you think I was writing to him or to you, Shmeichel?

Its probably true or simply it is true ....that self pity is very bad

In every incarnation of my struggle to break free i have re wrote my rules that i try to stick to to keep myseelf foing and feeling even 1 days progress

On asara btevet i made myself food for after the fast ....but i severely burnt it ... i was more upset about the wasted money in electricity that went to destroy rather than help....this is random but its made me really upset and instead of falling or letting my anger get to everyone i simply try to swallow my feelings and relax

I am always asking Hashem to pull me back up

That's such an awesome perspective!!! KOMT!!!

Understood the burn, laughingman, still...

I have been working on alternatives for my knee-jerk reaction to wallow in self-pity sorry, for over a decade. Boruch Hashem I have been facing it and working at surrendering and letting Him remove it (step 7) when I truly do not want it any more (step 6). In my case, it is usually because of pride that I go to self-pity at all. I think that is the way it is for most people and they do not even realize it.

I'm still catching myself going to self-pity, surprised each time...

Nu. Thank G-d I am working this program. If I'd not be, I'd be a way, way worse person to be and a way, way worse person to live with, today.

this is so true
let me ask you
does burnt food make horav laughingman an iota smaller?
does it take away his dignity?
does it make him a failure?
isnt it perfect for human beings to be not perfect?

I fell on the eve of shovavim ..i have been clean since ...it is nearly 3 years since my wife became how she is now and this new treatment shes on is only alittle affective .....after all this time it looks like the docs have figured out what i was saying back in 2013

My lease is up and im praying to Hashem that i get to stay where i am...moving would incur severe financial burden ....on top of which we are facing what i think is the next jewish historical tragedy

All these pressures .....my head feels like a balloon

Feel even worse about my fall ....but i realize that i have had tremendous progress by looking at my 90 day track record .....although i should have been 2 years in now clean instead of 1 week and lots of intermittent days ....

With soo much to do and nearly never enough time (or money) ...its a wonder im not having a stroke

OMG!! From what I'm hearing, you musy be under incredible pressure right now. And yet, you're still monster trucking!!! That's simply incredible! !! Don't focus on the 2 years thing, that's in the past and we can only work with the present. Is there anyone you talk to in person or on the phone for real practical advice?

Hang in there tzaddik!!!

may hashem listen to your prayers and see all your hard work.

Wishing you lots of hatzlacha in everything.
(i'm davening for you)

I am sitting in line at checkout ....and im here thinking how to keep going ... everyday i wake up.and i have like a google things to do and i get like 10 done on a good day and then the next day i am given an additional google things to do ....and no at this time i dont really have anyone to go to ....i cant even go to my wife because a: she is in the same situation and b: it will only increase her own anxiety about things ...i speak sporadically with my rabbi but the last time i did was before chanuka ...i.mostly just post here and even that is like 10% of what im thinking ....especially with the whole anonymousness ....

If I read your other postings right, you have some practical problems (like being short of money). Is there someone you know who can help you, or point you to someone else who can help you)? In my experience, anxiety about anything is a trigger.

B'hatzlachah!

As far as money i kinda am fixed in a sense with my income at the moment ....meaning i get a certain amount ...the key rigyt now is debt management ....and its coming along but in the meantime any sudden thing is a burden ...and there have been alot of sudden things ...and i dont live extravagently

About 5 years ago a horrible (lets say event) wiped out alot of my personal possesions ...

It seems i am supposed to conquer my anxiety on my own for now ....and i fight on

You're a chizzuk to us all! KOMT!!

Soo ...2 weeks ago apparently ...cause i didnt see it ....a neighbor fell outside my door by slipping .....i dont know what they slipped on ...

Some have said that when i take out the trash a small amount of oil fell out ....i use regular shopping bags as refuse bags ....and i never throw liquids of any kind in the trash ...also the lady that cleans our buildings by ways sorta skips over our door after she hae thrown a bunch of water toward it

Anyway it has turned into a thorn in my side in the building ...

Besides that tylhe apartment i live in has been great except that a measure of damage and dirt has been applied to many of the walls ...you know cause we have normal kids ....nothing that spackle and paint cant fix ....and they are in the process of that ...

My landlord called me in one of the most uncomfortable phone calls i have had with him ....basically he wants the place to look how we got it or he wont renew the lease ....in 2 weeks ...

We have been working round the clock trying to fix things ...really because frankly wed like jt to be nice too ...but being human ...and my wife is sick ...these things take time ....

All pressure ....i jusy started slipping back and last night i nearly fell ...
I kinda dont care right now ....i feel in no position to be beating down my desires ...

I am here in a last ditch effort ....and i pray that G-d looks at my situation and help me out of it and my addiction

I feel for you. It's not nice to get such an ultimatum.

At the same time you have a wonderful Heaven-sent opportunity to get your home in order. It will be an intense couple of weeks, but you'll have a beautiful home afterwards.

May you feel the serenity of your personal house-clearing as reflected by your literal house clearing.

Its all nonsense thats all ....i truly believe that people who act like that are in for some surprises when they leave here .....because in reality being decent and easy going with people who are clearly having a hard tkme is far more valuable than "ritual"

That being said i havent slipped tonight ....

I really do need soo many things which i dont get ....cause whatever reason ....therapy being one of them..