I hope i dont come off all whinny and such .....

Right now there are tests for my eyes ....in this room ....the waiting room ...and i am looking down instead of looking to the side......

I have alot on my mind ......and its true what dd says ....i think so too...

I have given some thought to try meditating on only Hashem....

KUTGW!!! and KOMT!!!!

What are all dot dot dots......... in your posts? Why don't you try expressing yourself a bit clearer so the oilam can get a better picture of whats going on.

KUL TUV!!!!

I know i keep doing it , i just dont use commas and proper grammer right. I type the way my mind works, often simply for lack of time. Also i wanted to try to stay clear of any triggers, more for myself than others even.

I wish you all a better year, and an end to suffering for us all.

One of the things i do now to keep myself up when faced with a sight to avoid because of decency is i remind myself that; they are all beautiful, and if i let myself i will lust on them all forever, with no life and no time left for important things, further i would be betraying my wife, even if she says she understands and is accepting of my problem, and her i choose to try to love and not simply lust, and further, G-d wants me to pass this, and every time i do it is important,

This all goes through my head when faced with forbidden sight during these days of repentence

Sometimes my trigger is a situation with my wife.....it alwayz something i did that makes an irreversable situation .....like i make a previously enjoyable activity unenjoyable ....sometimes it might be best if i let things be ....but i keep trying to "fix" everything immediately

Some of this is out of perfectionalism and some of it is because i panic in my mind from anything i do wrong ; because i am afraid i permanently damaged something. I have already damaged somethings where i am afraid ill never get the opportunity to make things right

I dont know what to do ...my panics are increasing .....i have no access to any treatment .....although i am coping....my struggles continue

You can do this. 49 days is a huge achievement. I've yet to get anywhere close to that. You are an inspiration for getting this far! Don't give up hope.

Laughingman,

Sounds like you are truly suffering.
Reach out.

I believe it's been mentioned before, but why don't you talk a bit about your options (or lack thereof) in the area of emotional health.

Maybe one of the good people here will have an idea, an option, you never thought of.

"The reason why when we're stuck we should talk over our issue with someone, is because that someone is NOT stuck!!!"
(Unknown)

You're worth it!

ineedchizuk wrote:


אין חבוש מתיר עצמו מבית האסורים- The peshat is that the guy in the jail has his mind focused on surviving. He can't think of anything more that that. The guy on the outside can think about the other things for him

Maybe that is my purpose in life

All of any levels of observance, teffilah, emunah, even this; ultimately has come nearly exclusively from some personal motivation to improve and keep climbing. When i was younger (hear me sound like an old man now) i would always seek that "event" that place in time where usually someone saw something or met someone that fundamentally inspired or changed them, but such a thing never seemed to pass. Then i was looking as my habits and views changed and as i feel they improved. Only through personal growth in torah. I am not part of any kollel or group per se, but i continue to teach my family as much as i have learned which seems to be more than i realized. I have a rav who i am in contact with, but that was actually fairly recent as until maybe a year ago tops ...more later

Its all a lesson. All our forefathers and heroes and legends were not chosen by chance. Most were not firstborn. Some arent even the first five. Dovid was the youngest of seven. Moshe was the third child. Greatness is earned by achieving and climbing

I am not even 1 percent of what these kinds of giants were. But i am sure the incline to let go and be satisfied and let fall was there somewhere.

As i climb i can feel the incline pull at me. That i have had enough. That a fall is inevitable. But i know that road. And i know the late nights trying to make tikun. And i know that the sights on the screen are a world which i have very real access to and i wouldnt want it. I just want to be closer to Him.
He who grants me the gift of awareness however minute of the greatness of closeness to him . But if i drown i wont feel it

I live in a special situation ....my wife for the last 3 years has been mutar maybe 2 weeks in 10 months to a year at a time and frankly has never been in the mood

All because of doctors who refused to treat a young women properly

Now im not even sure proper treatments will help

There was a time that we were constantly able to be together and i never got married life right then always being negative where a small amount of positive would have made me feel soo much better

Only now i start to understand what i had and lost and now i have all of the responsibility and nothing else

We cant enjoy each other physically at all because she is always in soo.much pain
Because she lacks certain things she feels like 30 years older and is always deppressed . Now i try to keep positive in the face of what Hashem has decreed for my discretions and i pray now for the restorations of yerushalayim and my wife
I dont believe in impossibilities . This week is the parasha where sara becomes youthful again at 90 and has our forefather yitzchak. And we all know there are never ending lessons from why she had to undergo all this to have her first child when thereay have been no woman on earth who wanted and deserved a child.more
She was a good person when she could have easily been vain and selfish and been praised . At least be her contemporaries. Instead she undertakes to care for anybody who needed. And hides her beauty out of an unheard of modesty.
My wife also is good to others even as people openly neglect her.
I myself am guilty of this at times past. Though now i see it and i make every effort to reverse and simply be as good a husband as i can

I fell last night .....

I have activated my taphsic protocol

I am still reeling from the effects...

I hope i remember these effects....they and my understanding of what i have done hurt alot more then the fall felt ...

I am both up and down now

laughingman wrote:


I quote that a bit different I am up now even tough I am down.

I feel really bad about your fall. But as you said you can really make it a upward push so....

KOT!!!

What i have learned from falling is that until you have an unshakable conviction in your mind to break free, there will be no fence, no oath, no deal or filter that will stop you

There will always be a way to get the fix , but its all a lie,


The training is nothing without the will to act