I have been thinking alot on how simply being here here has helped shape my feelings about things .....i feel that all the guys that are here who have made progress are exactly what living is about ......self improvement......and being able to try to deal with the fact that we arent perfect

Still going through things ....but im hanging on meanwhile .......we live in insane times .....moshiach must be right around the corner .....



Our triggers ....multiply....so should our strength......

well gosh it is quite on here to day . You know that since i have been on here i am looking at things or maybe its cause I've been clean 15 days differently . I was just thinking a lot i have to come to grips with if i am going to stay clean . Right now my life is good no stuff or stress ,that could change and may trigger me. I hope that u are able to hang on i do know that g-d is a big part of staying clean . If it was not for him this site and the help i have gotten from some others on here on here i would not have made it to this point and i have not come so far. I have been clean this long before but it is different this time . I am tempted a lot but i know i am never sastified . I agree we live in insane times and it is going to get worst. so i want to encourage you hang in there ,I never thought i could do what i have done I've been addicted for probably 40 years or more at this oint life is better i see things and am much more aware of my triggers things i never saw before or wanted to see just wanted to act out . hold on to g-d and one day at a time

ewards

Maybe it was quiet cause the worlds problems have burst our worlds .......everyone on here may feel at times like they live in a story part of a quilt of stories ....but with recent events our stories may seem irrelevant in the face of the fear of attack or even potential annihilation....but this too is yh manipulation...

On top of real fear of real things.....life for me in some ways seems stagnated

I am feeling weaker then i used to be ....i have a hard time doing anything.....i suspect i may have actually a combo of anxiety/depression/ptsd...and i continue to go undiagnosed properly qnd probably will remain so..i havent found in 8 years a therapist that was affordable (e.i. free or subsodized) and serious about helping.....


In th3 meantime i drudge on in my recovery here feeling that thanx to my anxiety but deep down i know this makes me stronger....i recently finished masechet brochot in self study....i know random i just wanted to say somewhere .......may the Holy One Blessed is he send us moshiach

amen

Everyday for the past week .....i have had in my mind alot to write here ....about my recent fall .....and what i feel are the direct consequences of it .....i demand alot of myself after a fall......i pray alot of additional teffilot ....tikun clali....mikveh .....donations.....etc.....these are intended to be part of my taphsic tools and to remind myself of the very real damage of transgression....even in the face of very real progress ...i have reached a level where not looking at women in public is nearly instinctual at times .....when im in a bad mood its more glitchy but then im not payinh attn to anyone anyway.....but at home there remain two battles .....one is the net .....and that is entirely different now that i disclose to certain ppl what my searches are......and my wife who is still nearly permanently forbidden to me till further notice basically....everythings fine between us ...but shes going through alot ....and she is working on it ut testing and whatnot in medical takes a while ....but i deffinitely have gained even where i was weak ....cause another thing i have been working on is truly desiring G-ds attn...i truly begin to feel that whatever forbidden etc the sitraachra wants me to want ....closeness to Hashem is infinitely more desirable .....i even avoided a surefire fall senario after i had fallen....usually a hard time for me ......and maybe i will make it maybe i wont .....but today i choose closeness to the infinite master over fleeting chemical addiction at least alittle

Hi Laughingman,
That was an inspiring post- thanks, and keep sharing.

Oh, and MAZEL TOV, Laughingman on your siyum masechta! !!!!!!!!

I just wanted to give a glimpse at day .....yesterday i took tye kids to the park with my wife .....when we got home the house was sorta flooded .....a pipe in the floor above us burst or something and we were getting the rain down ....also the people below us .....in the past i would have let this freak me out and i would have fallen like a ton of bricks....but i didnt .....seems training has yielded one success.....i didnt get too upset and i remembered that my whe family is experiancing this together ....and i only neede to relax and take my time dealing with the damage ...no rush....baruch Hashem no electronix were damaged ...and i didnt fall ....instead i played a game ....and went to sleep....while others fight a heroic fight the allow me and others to fight a different fight ....and the world at large bellitles us both but its all in the service of our Father

May Hashem "shower" peace and serenity upon you!

KUTGW & KOMT

Its been soo incredible ....the ups and downs ......i have sooo much happening at all times ....sometimes to trap us the yetzer ra shows us "dead moshe" .....a senario that makes being good seem hopeless ...like in the desert by har sinai ....the only way to bring the jews down was to show dead moshe ......and make them hopeless....but G-d is personal ...2hat the yetz3r doesnt say is that this will bring more tikun to do ....but it will be done ....eventually ....even by force....teshuva can sometimes reverse or fullfill a tikun need .....thags why its there .....i have continued to fight even if i failed .....cause while failing changes my chart it doesnt change all my progress entirely ....those clean times are mine.....and other times where i am stronger cout too.....May Hashem forgive all our transgressions here even if we only spoke of them here because we admit there is a problem

Reb Yisroel Salanter writes that in every person there is contained two yetzer haras; one is a natural one and the other is a spiritual one. The spiritual yetzer hara is the power of tumah from a malach or a messenger whose primary purpose is to seduce the person to commit aveiros. The natural yetzer hara is the powers of desire which is engrained and embodied in a person, for by himself, he has tendencies for such things – even without any outside influences.

He notes that there are differences between the two.

The Medrash says that at the time of the Revelation at Sinai, the yetzer hara was removed from their hearts. Rabbi Friedlander writes that this refers to the natural yetzer hara. After the forty days – when Moshe still did not descend, they began to doubt the authenticity of Moshe. The spiritual yetzer hara was able then to ‘kriech arein’ into Klal Yisroel and cause them to stumble. This, he accomplished, by showing them ‘Moshe’s bed (coffin),’ and this resulted in the sin of the Golden Calf.

When a person is on a lofty level, he does not need to combat his natural yetzer hara, for that has been removed from him. However, the spiritual yetzer hara looks for a crack in his armor, and when he finds it, he pelts him with whatever ammunition he has at his disposal.

Cordnoy, what with all this Torah stuff- what's 'krieching' into you?? :-)

...That was a beautiful tzushtel!

So, according to R' Friedlander, there's a special yetzer hara for yiush/ depression?

Yep; I knew that was comin'.
I just couldn't pass it up.

So keep 'em comin'.

Don't push it!
Next you'll tell me you wanna know what the differences are and how he explains how our generation is able to bring about the geulah when our predecessors could not.