Dov said being sober is its own nechama

I have to agree...although saying sober makes this feel

like an alchohol thing ...

I think something is trying to stop me from succeeding in this ....

My life gets more and more complicated with each day ....and i mostly stay indoors or im at a store briefly ....


But the new challenges keep coming

I barely hold on some days ...i dont even like looking at anything really ...my last fall was stupid cause i was actually disgusted from it ......i just want the crazy things ...people i have to deal with to stop ....and some relief parnassa wise would be nice.....
V
My wife sits in pain all day everyday....and cause its not deadly im stuck going through the medical system ......

I just pray every day for His help and guidance

And understanding on my problems in shemirat enayim

Im trying my best ..recently i have been having night problems ...more often ....i dont even know its happening till it does .....is that a fall? I feel like it is my mind is always thinking ....even though i try not to ....just because your not physically looking doesnt mean the mind cant see .....and i cant always just change thoughts ...if one could see my thoughts im sure it would look like a tornado....

I keep trying anyway....cause this is obviously why im here .....its just frustrating

What about your work? Are you between jobs now, too? And even if u r, why r u at home too much? Is there any way to get out of there and busy with something? Batoloh maivia lidai shiamum does not just mean batoloh as in wasting time - but even just not having a job, career, vocation or avocation - will make you meshugah R"l.

Whatever you are doing - learning a lot, etc - is not enough. There comes a time when every caretaker husband and wife need to come to terms with the fact that they will be poor caretakers, husbands, or wives, if they do not stop and take care of their needs.

And 'your needs' are certainly not sex. Not by a long-shot. Your needs are things like feeling and knowing true love, feeling and knowing that you are truly loving another (including Hashem), satisfaction in your own mental, spiritual and physical health, lack of self-centered fears and worries and self-pity, etc.

No matter how morally good you are (and I am sure you are more morally good than I and most people am), you will still fall in more ways than just one if you are feeling sorry for yourself at all. Self-pity does not work, but the reverse is true: it is poison, no matter what the motive and trueness of it. Furthermore, it is ultimately cruelty to yourself - and eventually will be cruelty to those around you. She will eventually discover how much of a burden she is to you physically, emotionally and spiritually...and will even blame herself (as you are) for your aveiros like nighttime zera levatola. Now that would be a very sad and cruel turn...

The way you have been writing till now is "look at poor me" at every turn, chaver. It is not the derech.

In the program we have a 3rd step. It is all about accepting G-d's Will as the very best He can do for us today, no matter what things look like. And if the issue is how badly we feel about the life and circumstances He is able to give us today, then we pray for him to change us once we come to terms with the fact (in step 4) that whatever bitterness we have, is because of our middos, and is truly our great problem in this life and not the circumstances, at all.

Take it easy, man. Learn how to laugh a bit...your name sounds liek the opposite of who you really are! It's funny - Yitzchak Avinu is called the midah of gevruah in human avodah, midas haDin, and his relationship to Hashem is called 'Pachad' Yitzchak! Yet his name is the strangest of all: "He laughs/will laugh"! Him? Certainly the most serious of the avos?!

The Sfas Emes writes that "I say that if you were to meet Yitzchak avinu, all you would see was the happiest man on the planet. For he had no fears whatsoever of events, bosor v'dom, himself, the malach hamovess, the yetzer hora - nothing! Only awe of G-d overtook him. So he lived and walked with a lightness, comfort and an ease that no one else has."

That's what step 3 is about. Letting G-d run my life, and giving my life and all it's details into His hands for real. Admitting it is for the best and truly good.

It's not a 'madreigo' - so many thousands of gentile (and frum) alcoholics the world over do it one day at a time - and it works for them one day at a time! Farm boys and inner city whatevers, no issue what religion or religious level you or i are on - we can all learn this.

It's about acceptance, rather than martyrdom.

I have taken out some time to review my whole thread here .....basically its a blog of the evolution of a guy ( thats me ) that found a way to keep track in real time of his lust problems among other things .....what i found is that

For one thing i really do have bipolar disorder.....and anxiety disorder....i can read it in my texts ....its like my old psych book from school ...and that i really do try to do better always ....in face of sometimes seemingly insurmountable odds.....

But also i realize i get selfish and self centered quickly ....i often times only see my point of view .....even while im doing for others ....and i realize anew that we are all here to improve ....perfection is not possible but infinite improvement is....and i also see how negative thinking affects life ...

Its always good to smile

Im back restarting my count .....i feel embarrased that after a year im still having problems ...also cause i know in my mind all the different chizuk....but the yetzer still is there ....

Purim was nice .....alot of miracles are happening.....i need to do better out of sheer gratitude.....i admit i have a problem with lust .....that stems from frustration that i dont always channel correctly...easy does it baby steps.....

Thats good news, I always find that a good purim can be a turning point for clarity and a new start, try to keep positive. I often deal with self pity and why can't things be better like Ploni and why cant my wife be like Mrs Ploni and etc etc etc, but once in a while I have a good tefilla and accept that G-d loves me and made me as I am for a reason, once I feel his love it helps me feel better about myself and find it easier to love others and deal with life.

A good thing to think is to remember that birth, death, and marriage are directly under G-ds control like yam suf ...so once a man is married that woman is what he needs ....if there is something bothering you then you need to identify it clearlh and then find the appropriate way to deal with it ....if there was really no way then it would end G-d forbid one way or another

May He save us from all suffering

Its very tough to break an addiction ....even a long time after initially setting down to deal with it ....even during ill ness

The first step towards real recovery is always to admit the addictiveness and that that is what needs to be broken

The fact that you are not pontificating at all but speaking from your heart and your experience that is real and present, makes everything you wrote so much more meaningful to me, chaver. G-d bless you and your family.

And in that vein, I have one humble comment about: "The first step towards real recovery is always to admit the addictiveness and that that is what needs to be broken".

I like writing it slightly differently, and if you like, you can do it too.

I like to write, "The first step towards my real recovery is always to admit my addictiveness and that that is what needs to be broken, in me."

Get it?

The way the words come out of my mouth (or even in writing) makes a huge difference. I promise. I hear new guys in meetings share 'the way things are', all the time - and they rarely stay. The ones who stay and get better are usually the ones who talk about themselves and phrase their words in terms of themselves.

My sponsor showed me that. I love you, so I share that with you, too.

Yesterday i fulfilled my word that since my last fall i went to tzfat and went to the mikveh of the ari.....in the afternoon ...it was totally worth it as it has been since i started going there every year but this is the first time it became part of my path ....i hope i can get to pesach in time

Update on the situation ......mybwife remains offially undiagnosed .....in no small part due to the string of specialists who either passed the buck or outright refuse to give any diagnosis because they cant find a cause ...but shes definitely ill ....indefinitely.....and her emunah has gone shot cause between people who are just misunderstanding to people who outright are the cause of various problems and are seemingly being helped to be mean while our every effort to deal with her illness is thwarted......pesach is days away and preperation is slower than hoped ...i myself am ill at the moment ....although i have gotten nearly all the supplies i need.....and my struggles in lust addiction are not getting easier with all the obvious stress ...but ironically i simply dont have time to even fall

Just a quick agreement with what Dov is telling you... work on improving yourself... that's the true avodah... especially as we will be starting Sefiras HoOmer anew next week, iy"H.

May Hashem Yisbarach grant you and your wife yeshuos and brachos.

-- Larry

Last week on tge chag i had a fall....

I havent even looked at my chart till today....i am now about half a week clean since then....so for sefirah so far so good ......i dont know if i will ever be 90 days clean again ..but i am willing to keep trying .....as i look back at my life and my general attitude i realize that while im not done here but working on this has had a real positive effect on other parts of my life such as teffilah and learning ....i pray at least once almost every day ...most of the time i try to pray three times a day.....it used to be at one time almost nothing......i am almost finished on mesechet berachot learning on my own .....

I feel maybe more positive at times when maybe previously i woud not have and even here my falls are very limited instances of lapse of judgement or lack of resolve ...but i am resolute to kot till the end

At least when i am outside i try to keep my eyes and thoughts pg all the time even though i know its summer coming now ....all this even though times are getting in some ways consistently tougher with new difficulties rising from unsuspecting directions ....just for today i want to be free

I have been feeling very mixed lately ....on the one hand i am dealing with multiple problems with one hand behind my back and i work on this but on the other my conditions push me down.....maybe my condition is a manifestation of some severe spiritual lack.....i am praying as much as i can ....i have made a real effort to keep from self pity and the like and only focus on things i can actually do

Wy wife has multiple medical conditions that are either undiscovered or left untreated so far ....and she no longer believes in things like she used to as a result....i dont push her on that i just let her be ....i try to understand that she is in tremendous pain and as hard as it is for me for her its much harder as i am able somewhat to try and deal and do things and she is at the moment feeling like she physically couldnt even if she pushed herself

At least i took them on a boatride on chol hamoed

KOB!!