I've gone to Duvid Chaim's phone conference all week.  I've been pushing the envelope a bit on the length of my lunch break, but it's difficult to leave the conference.  There are a lot good things being said and I really don't want to miss anything.  I've been holding clean all this week, but it has been challenging.  I don't think my Yetzer Hara likes that I have been going to the phone group.  It's all part of the battle for change, though, and I hope that the Yetzer Hara's attacks will backfire by pushing me to work on the phone group and the 12 steps even harder.

On a different topic (which I bring up here on a regular basis), things with my wife are a real roller coaster right now.  She is very angry at Hashem, Torah, rabbis, etc., and there are times she gets really angry about living in a frum community (and all that goes along with it).  Two nights ago she ripped me up one side and down the other.  Last night she was still upset, but we were able to talk without any anger.  Some days it seems like we are on the fast track to divorce and others I have real hope for the long term.  The stress I feel from this is really difficult, and avoiding saying or doing anything to trigger the anger can be really challenging.  I triggered the outburst of two nights ago with what I thought was an innocent comment.  Only afterwords did I realize how what I said was a trigger for her.  Keeping positive all the time is difficult for me, but I have to work on it to keep the marriage and the family on an even keel.

Ben

I just thought I should tell you, you are quite an inspiration to me. i don't have a quarter of the things going on in my life that you do, and I'm struggling.  And here you are fighting away in spite of everything.

Have a wonderful happy uplifting Shabbos.

Avraham Avinu was a Ger too... Sounds like Hashem is testing you with the 10 nisyonsos of Avraham Avinu!

1) Finding Hashem
2) Becoming Jewish
3) Keeping the Mitzvos
4) Beating Lust
5) Keeping your family happy
6) Staying cool and trusting Hashem at all times...

I'm sure there are more, but we get the picture.

WOW.

Wow, I feel a little embarrassed by the accolades.  I personally would rather have much less going on and be a little more ordinary (whatever ordinary may be).  All I am really conscious of is that I have so far to go.

Thankfully, I can say this Shabbos was another step or two further on the road.  It was overall a good day.  I had a few struggles with thoughts, but after a while I got involved enough in the davening, the shiurim, etc., that I was not dwelling so much on things I shouldn't be. 

Gut woch to all.

Hey Ben,

I'm new at this site, but your story after nine months of being clean and only 1 fall was really motivating for me. I understand, and as well as everyone here i'm sure also understand, how difficult it is. You courage to keep on going and focusing on the victory has got me motivated as well. So I wanted to say thank you. I know it may not mean much now, but your victory against your struggle is an inspiration.

Struggla21

Thank you, Striggla21,

The day after is always the most difficult, as many here can attest.  The most important result of this has been that I used the fall to motivate myself to join one of the 12 steps groups.  I'm still struggling, but I have hope now that real change will be effected by Hashem.  I still have a lot of the same issues about which I have written and I feel quite fatigued most of the time.  As a result, I am not posting so much, but I am spending at least 30 minutes a day, four days a week on a phone conference with Duvid Chaim's group.

This has been very good for me.

So happy to hear you're on the calls!