Wow, Ano, you really have a great talent for putting things well.  While I'm much closer to dentures than to braces, the image is still quite vivid.  Veering a few steps off the derech is only going off the derech if you stay there.  I probably shouldn't be surprised that I'm weaving a little bit.

You're right that we need this board.  I think I allowed myself to forget that.  I am a bit obsessive (OK, I'm a LOT obsessive), and I tend to try to do things in an all or nothing fashion.  If I can't read all the posts on the board then I will read none of them.  This is one of a number of cases where that approach is counter-productive.  I have to find an involvement level here that will keep up the chizuk and will be sustainable with my family, shul, work, etc.

At any rate, I need to sign off and do some chores before the chag sets in.  I'm going to stay the night at the local Chabad rabbi's home, and I have to get everything in order here before I go.

I am also an all or nothing kind of person. One of the most common misconceptions about Judaism is that it's an all or nothing religion. Of course, it doesn't work like that. The way bechira works into the picture is that each person has a different "all", and no one is expected to give more than their "all". May every member here have a year of successfully giving their all to every endeavor they undertake. My goal this year is to have a completely clean year, so that next yom kippur I can confess to something else :D

Ano Nymous wrote on 29 Sep 2009 12:22:


I share that goal with you.  But let's remember our short-term goals: one day at a time, with other slightly longer-term goals - for now, staying clean until Sukkos.

Kedusha wrote on 29 Sep 2009 13:57:


Of course one should only focus on the short term goals. However, it's still nice to have some long term ones to go along with it. Obviously, there is nothing I can do right now about yesterday or tomorrow, but it is always nice to look back and see how far you've come. Guard, do you see anything wrong with having long term goals?

Gaze to the sky, but ... watch your step.

Part of me would love to set long term goals, but I don't feel especially ready for that quite yet.  Having just fallen not terribly long ago, I feel that I really need to focus on the day by day.  Each day right now is difficult enough on its own, though not nearly so difficult as the first 90 day fight.  I can definitely feel the effects of the previous clean streak, and that is a very good thing.

I'll post later about Yom Kippur; it was an interesting day for me, with various challenges (apart from the obvious difficulties of fasting).

Ano Nymous wrote on 29 Sep 2009 14:42:


I didn't say that there was anything wrong with long term goals, as long as we don't lose focus of the shorter term goals.

So Yom Kippur was very good for me, overall.  The davening was energetic, and that is always a plus for me to help me get involved.  The odd thing was an issue that kept coming up, and it wasn't my struggle with lust.  It was quite crowded, and space was at a premium.  I found myself repeated becoming angry at people who were not being careful about how much space they took up.  I had to do teshuva for my anger several times through the services.  By Neilah though, I had pretty much gotten the anger under control.  Still, to have to struggle with that on Yom Kippur was not what I was expecting.  Of course, Hashem orchestrates all kinds of things just to make us come face to face with our various issues. 

I guess I need to deal with anger in addition to my lust addiction.  So it goes on the list.  Happily, I have been able to stay clean since my fall last week.  It shook me pretty hard to have fallen, and I find that urge, while not as strong as when I began my first 90 day journey, is still pretty formidable at times.  More than once, I have found myself at the point where I am crying out to Hashem.  I am faster to cry out than before, but I probably still need to be quicker on that draw.

I'm going to wrap it up now.  My allergies began attacking with a vengeance last night, and the benedryl is kicking in; I'm feeling a little loopy.  Maybe, bli neder, I will post later this evening.

I'm still holding clean for a full week now.

Big news is that after a month away from home and family, I'm heading home this evening.  Baruch Hashem!

I hate being away from my family, and being away for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur isn't any fun either.

By the way, I tried emailing Boruch a few days ago.  Does anyone know if he is away right now or something?  I had some questions about his group.

You can do it Ben!
It's so much easier to pick yourself up and avoid falling back into "the routine" when you have a long clean streak behind you. Keep up the great work, and I'll try to keep up mine :D

It's a deal, Ano!  A good Shabbos and Yontif.

The first two days of Succos went fairly well for me.  I didn't have to fight too many purity battles regarding my eye or my thoughts (and that is surely a good thing).  Today has been more of a struggle, and that mostly between my ears.  The saving thing for today has been a lot of pressure relating to a high profile project I am programming.  It hasn't kept my mind completely where it belongs, but it certainly helps.

A gut (and clean!) Mo'ed to all!

Anger and lust addiction are closer related than they seem... It is all related to living too much in the "self" (which we all do). I highly suggest joining Duvid Chaim's 12-Step group, starting a new cycle on Rosh Chodesh Cheshvan...

Keep up the great work and the inspiring posts... We love to hear from you!

I just emailed Duvid for a little more info.  Before I make the commitment, I want to make sure I am actually able to be on the call for the whole meeting.

I made email contact with Duvid yesterday, and I have decided that I will try to make the plunge and commit myself to his group.  This will pose some real challenges just in the logistics.  For instance: I get 30 minutes for lunch and the group meeting lasts an hour.  That's probably the biggest problem I can see right now, but perhaps phone calls with a mentor may help me to get through whatever I miss.

Baruch Hashem, I am still clean.  Every day has its challenge it seems, whether from within or without, and I still long to improve my response.  I am hopeful from all I've read that the 12 step program will provide me with the tools I need to effect some deeper internal changes.  In the meantime I have been working to exhaustion every day with about 4 hours sleep a night the last three nights in a row.  This will have to change shortly or I am going to drop; I am not one of those fortunate few who can get by on cat naps...