DAY1
Since meeting with my dr. and taking a careful and serious inventory of the past few weeks,i have decided to start my 90 days now,today on  a fast day.I now have a sponsor,and  know that without support I will continue to fail.I have learned much and know that there is still much to learn and do to get healthy.I realize that shooting for 100% perfection is a pipe dream.I am a human with faults, the difference is that I know that Hashem isn't asking me to be perfect,he is asking me to simply be the real me. have posted here before a saying or rather an idea that someone on GUE  sent me.Instead of escaping reality I want to live in reality.That means tearing the walls and barriers I have put up between me and everyone in my life including mysef.So once again I will now start a new 90 days.I really don't care if I fall 100 times(I hope not)I will never ever let the y'h take over my life.I will fight,crawl,scratch,do whatever it takes to gain control of my life.No pain no gain

That's a true soldier!! That's a real battle cry!! The Yetzer Hara is shaking in fear. Once you have resolved to yourself NEVER to give up no matter what, he already knows the game is lost and will start to leave you alone!

It's the start of DAY2 and I have already faced a normal trigger,a big one,without letting it get to me at all.Wow thats a biggy for me.we are soon entering the 6 wk period of shovim.This is a time I really want to use properly to get myself in a position to be holy.I know it is possible to erase 30+ years of a  porn filled mind.It is indeed quite difficult ,but doable.I daven that Hshem gives me and all of us the koach to erase of minds and fill them with avas and yiras shamyim thoughts.I hate the fact that these filthy thoughts and ideas of defiling myself play such a huge role in my life. I learned today that just as a jew has a burning love deep in himslef, he needs a deep hatred for the y'h as well. I need to reverse my energy and point to the side of kedusha. Please if anyone knows of some really great thing to do for the shovim period let me know.

Keep up the good work! In line with what you write about love and hating the Yetzer Hara, see Chizuk e-mail #339 on this page (scroll down).

And about the images in our head, see this page  :D

Starting DAY3
Yesterday was a huge day of growth for me.I learned from a post by GUe that I can harness hate in a productive way.I will use all of my self hate and direct it towards the y'h.I now know that every second that I am onvolved with doing something the Y"H wants me to do,I am giving the sitr achar power to destroy the lives of yidden all over the world.B"H the oposite is true.Each and every act of making our selves holy saves lives and ads kedusha to the world.It feels great to finally find a proper place to dump the internal hate and do it in a positive way as well.What  a bracha!!I have decades of built up self hate from all the times I have acted out,now I know how to deal with it in a kosher way.Just knowing that all the times the goyim have killed ,tortured and maimed our beautiful brothers,sisters,parents all of klal yisroel,he had the power from the y'h.I am not at al trying to explain the way hashem runs the world,but saying that the energy we creat by our actions has an effect on the entire world.So now to get myself worked up to really hate the y'h I think of all the destruction the y'h has  done. .We all must direct our utter hate and digust with the y'h.We cab never kill it just put it in its place with Hashems help.So for rambling,I hope it made some sense.

you are inspiring! The YH is getting scared.

Yes he is and i am getting help from above.For instance I was online in a room for recovery on a nonjewish site and was rejected b/c of my directness.Its funny obviously I was trying to get around acting out but in "KOSHER" way,but was stopped.B"H ! I will learn how to prevent these things.

DAY 4
Well B'H I am going into this Shabbos with 4 days clean.This past wk has been a tremendous learning experience.I hope with Hashem's help to take on one or two or even more new things during the shovavim period.Id anyone has any suggestions please et me know.

Shovavim is a time to work on the Yesod- the foundation. Don't take on too many new things until the foundation is solid. Work on guarding your eyes more each day. That's the cement of the foundation!

DAY 8
Wow what a huge eye opening response fro GUe re' shovavim.It is  true about guarding my eyes.I have learned from a really in depth meeting with my dr.that building a strong foundation is the key to recovery.I was quite busy trying to overcome the y'h and wipe the past clean.It just is not possible.One only recovers from an illness.We were not created to overcome the y'h,we were created to live our lives with the y'h ,and separate from us.We just need to lenr how to recover from the set backs or avaros.Than only than will we have a strong foundation to build on.So now my sleeves are rolled up and I am ready to start doing some serious manual  labor.To me saying I am i recovery puts  me in a place where  only Hahsem can  heal me.When I try to overcome I am saying its only me ,not Hashem who can overcome .When I use the word recovery it takes on the meaning of seeking and asking for help from above.

Guard is right we have to conquer the y"h through the eyes
i will also try to be myself mechazik in this aspect

BATTLE CRY!!!
Those little white balls, set in the sockets of our skulls and attached to our brains with some microscopic nerves are our ticket to everything good and everything bad. Are we going to let these white balls bring us down to the deepest depths of Gehinom, or will we USE these little white balls to reach the KISAY HAKAVOD ITSELF???

Ok so now I am starting DAY 9. Hopefully I have learned from the past to ask for a and get help when I feel i am getting close to acting out.The amount of help that hashem sends is amazing.The hard part is opening my eyes to see it.After so many years of being an island ,and checking out of reality its kind of hard to open up to people,even my wife and family.I know I need to slow down andr elax,not take what I have accomplished as too little or not enough. I need to be patient and just let Hashem take over.It is so hard trying to get to the real me,trying to know myself.I ttruly hate this illness and what it has cuased me to do and miss out on in my life and my family's life as well.But as my Dr. explained this is the path Hashem has chosen for me to go on, in order to have a healthy and close relationship with Hashem.No other human was given my tikkun,just me.Now it is up to me to live the life that Hashem created me to live.

Who is your doctor? He sounds like he really knows what he's doing and I want to put him up on the site for others to be helped as well. If you don't want to post it here, can you send me a message or e-mail at eyes.guard@gmail.com? Thank you and keep up the great work!

I will ask him if it is ok.