I just read your thread, nice stuff.

[a belated] Welcome to the GYE family, You seem to fit right in!

IGW, how are you doing?

--Elyah

Thanks for checking up on me.

Last week was a very difficul week. There were many moments that I was so close to falling but kept myself from that because of my shevua. In a sense, I was sort of waiting for Sunday, when the shevua was up. And, on Sunday morning, during shacharis, I was davening, pleading with God that I should be able to make it through the day. I tried sort of stepping outside of myself. Tried to just observe what I was feeling and desiring. That was helpful, in a sense.
But deep down I was getting myself ready to fall. And, eventually, I did. So, my streak ended at 9.

I realized last night that sunday was really my "test day." with the shevua expired, that was when I was really being tested--what would I do? Well, I didn't do the right thing. I failed that test. And, that upsets me. But, I realize that there will be a retest, and it will be next Sunday. And (at the risk of carrying the analogy a little too far) I know what will be on the test. I know the format of the test.
All I can do right now is to study for that exam.
So, like my finals, I'm reviewing my notes (GYE attitude, handbook, and the Big Book). Trying to get enough rest. Davening for help. And preparing myself for my next nisayon.

If I were me, I wouldn't worry too much about whether I had failed or succeeded. I also wouldn't build up some expectations for future nisyanos--might make some self-fulfilling prophecies.

What I would do is try to take a step back and look at what was going on leading up to the fall. Not just whether I was playing with questionable Google searches, but what was going on in life, in general. What might have been causing me stress or pain? How did I react to it? How could I react to it differently so that it won't hurt so much (or so I might even enjoy it)?

Just a few ideas,

Keep on trucking,

--Elyah

Elya, I understand your point about the self-fulfilling prophesy. I guess my point is that, lemaaseh, I'm going to be having taavehs as soon as my shevuah is up. And, between the time that it finishes and the time that I renew it will be a very treacherous time. I'm just trying to be honest with myself, and to prepare myself.

ImGonnaWin wrote on 16 May 2012 14:59:


Why?

And do you not have any taivahs at all during your shavua?

--Elyah

IGW,

When you make a vow for a limited time, you need to also make a vow to renew your first vow before the time is up. Been there, done that.

MT

MT- Sounds like a good plan. I'm not sure why I didn't think of that (actually, I know why--my addicted side doesn't like the idea of not having an opening)
Elya- That terse comment of yours was very powerful. I need to rethink what I'm doing and what my goals are. I need to focus on the here and now, not the future.

Glad that was helpful.

--Elyah

(In a bit of a pessimistic mood today...)

Has my life really become unmanageable?

I do well in my studies. My learning is good. Could I be better in both? Absolutely. Is my addiction the cause of my failure to push higher? Maybe. But even if my addiction is the culprit--so what? My life really isn't unmanageable. I am getting along fine without it. In fact, I have more trouble getting to sleep, more trouble getting out of bed, more trouble focusing, more trouble with everything, it seems, when I am without it.

I am externally driven, I guess. I recognize that socially, religiously, this is not a desireable activity. But, internally, I just don't have the push. I don't have the drive. I have not hit anywhere near rock bottom. I have not endangered any relationships. When I look inside, for real determination, real inspirtation, to continue this fight... well, I have nothing.

Dear IGW,

Regarding your question:

ImGonnaWin wrote on 20 May 2012 20:05:


I'll let you speak for yourself. Here are a few choice quotes from somebody special:

ImGonnaWin wrote on 04 Apr 2012 14:11:

ImGonnaWin wrote on 06 Apr 2012 01:35:


ImGonnaWin wrote on 09 Apr 2012 06:22:


ImGonnaWin wrote on 12 Apr 2012 18:28:

ImGonnaWin wrote on 18 Apr 2012 16:43:


ImGonnaWin wrote on 25 Apr 2012 22:29:

ImGonnaWin wrote on 10 May 2012 16:19:


It's very easy to forget where we came from. After I was in recovery for a while, I started thinking that I don't really have a problem. I forgot--the only reason I was improving was because of recovery.

Hatzlacha,
Elyah

Elyah, excellent compilation. IGW sounds just like me, my struggles exactly. Nice reminder of where I'll be the moment I drop the ball on this recovery thing.
I'm gonna daven so hard...only so one hour later I can be engorssed for hours in the internet filth. I'll check out the news...so that few hours later I can re-emerge into the world with 1000 dirty pictures uploaded to my brain. I'll only look for a minute at this girl's blog...only so that two or three masturbating escapades later I can be on the verge of tears for my wasted life and total lack of control over how I spend my waking hours.
Thank G-d Al-mighty for keeping me sober yesterday. I am willing to stay sober today. Please G-d.

IGW, how are you doing?

--Elyah

Oh G-d, I hope I didn't overdo it there!

--Elyah

He's around the forum, I think. But he may have nothing to add...