I know those pangs well. Early phase of withdrawal is almost physically painful. This is my greatest motivation not to slip. I never want to go through that death struggle again. It's easier to be clean.

It gets easier. The cleaner you stay, the stricter your shmiras eynayim and guarding your mind, the better you're going to feel.

ImGonnaWin wrote on 26 Apr 2012 17:36:


Has giving up the right to these images to HaShem helped you any? Maybe its Him calling you for a morning chat?

A number of things:
Still going strong. At 7 days right now. My method of keeping with wireless card out of my room has been working so far. I have officially renewed my commitment to another week of doing that. With some siyata dishmaya, I hope I can be as successful this week as I was last week.

I spoke to that "familiar voice" (Andre) from shlomo's call earlier today. It was a good conversation we had. It felt very good to open up to a friend. For me to realize that he too is struggling from the same thing I am. Hopefully, we can partner up (maybe not as official partners, but you get the idea) and be mechazek each other and really do amazing things here.

I also called Shlomo up, just to tell him that I spoke to this guy and to sort of check in. It was a nice conversation and Shlomo really gave me some good chizuk.

These desires aren't going away. I feel like I'm getting hungrier. I was in the library earlier today, working on my thesis. And, I just couldnt focus. Even right now, Baruch Hashem there's a guy sitting near me--otherwise I don't think I could keep away from trying to get around this filter.

Andre had recommended that I speak to my rebbi. It's something I've tried to do on numerous occassions, but always got too scared to do anything. I think I'm going to have a meeting with my rebbi sometime this week. I will do my best to build my strength to be able to talk to him.

Someone- I'm not sure if I understand your point. Do you mind elaborating?
Alex, thanks for your encouragement.

Yesterday and today were hard for me. Very hard. I was able to push through yesterday, but not today. I brought the internet back to my room. I know I said I wouldn't, but I felt weak. I had been resisting for so long, my defenses just couldn't handle it anymore.

But-
I made it to 11 days. They were 11 great days. 11 clean days. 11 days that I have. 11 days that I will never lose. I've shown myself, and you, and You, that I can make it passed 3 days. I made it to 11.

Normally, when I have a fall, I look back on what led up to the fall, pretend to come to some sort of resolution, but never really commit in a serious way.
Mah sheeyn ken this time. This resolution about the internet out of my room will be a double fence TaPhSiC shvuah. For now, it will be from now until sunday. And, I'll decide to renew it again for a week.

I'm going to spend some time right now to decide what the "before", "after if i did the before," and the "after if I didn't do the before" are going to be.

I also need to figure out how to combat this immense feeling of temptation. There has got to be a way to ease it in some manner (I guess this is the point of the 12 steps, right? Good thing that I am on the night calls).

Based on many years of failing, I now realize that perhaps the best way (for me) to avoid those strong feelings of temptation is to keep the mind free fom those feelings as soon as they start up. It's like a snake's poison (or a cancer ch"v) which enters as a tiny molecule, but slowly but surely mushrooms and takes over the entire body and spirit.

The Ohr Hachaim advises that when an evil thought enters the mind, one should not try to logically defeat it, because the 'thought' will eventually turn into a 'feeling'. Therefore, it is wiser not to dwell on the thought, and move on to other more constructive thoughts.

Yes, easier said than done - but nevertheless do-able be'ezrat Hashem.

MT

See also Tanya Kadisho, ch. 27-29.

Obormottel- please forgive my ignorance. Is that Tanya or is it another sefer?

I'm sorry I was just being obersmart.
Yes, I mean Sefer shel Beinonim, the Tanya.
He adresses obtrusive thoughts of sexual nature and says that some people's only hope of reprieve is to ask G-d for mercy and have Him remove those thoughts.

Obormottel- thanks. I'll check it out.

I'm having some major hirhurim right now. I took a taphsic shvua from sunday until sunday and honestly it's the only thing that's keeping me clean right now.

I need to find some way to reach out and connect to someone else right now.

So Taphsik is working if its keeping u sober.
Posting here is a way of reaching out, too. Write out what is so difficult right.
But if that's not enough , daven for help, and just like a merciful father, Hashem will remove the obsession.
You can also private send me your number and your time zone, and ill give u a ring, bE"H.
Mottel

A thought that's been on my mind, lately--
During the night calls, were reading the beginning of Bill's Story. And, if you've read Bill's Story, you've seen how difficult it is to read. Bill continues to sink deeper and deeper into his addiction.
It is so frustrating for me to read this. I want to skip to the end, already! I want to get to the resolution. I want to read about the skills. I want to learn what I need to do. I'm wondering to myself, am I even getting anything out of this?
But, I realized last night- that's not what this is about. This is a process. I need to build my way through it. I need to hit rock bottom (while still on top, as the handbook says). Read about rock bottom. Experience rock bottom. Once I am there, then I can move on.

This past tisha bav (I realize this is not inyanei deyoma, but it's what's on my mind...), I remember sitting on the floor and thinking how frustrated I was. There are so many reasons we talk about why the churban happened, there are so many things we need to fix. And I remember sitting there, and all I wanted to do was to just get up and start fixing things.
But, that's not what the day is about. Tisha bav is about the experience of the loss. We need to really experience the loss fully and competely. It is only after that point that we can really see what needs to be done and fix it.

That's what Bill's Story is for me. It's the story of my personal churban. The story of my tragic loss. Only once I can fully experience this loss I can recognize how to fix it.

To pull this back to more timely topics, the same thing can be said with sefira. I would love to jump from yetzias mitzrayim to shavuos. And, I many times feel after the chag that I am ready for kabbalas haTorah right then and there.
In truth, however, I am not. Sefira, too, is a process. We need to work our way through. Work our way up.

It's now day 32 of the Omer. Nearing the home stretch. I'm looking back and remembering where I was only 32 days ago. It's not so many posts before this one, where I was pleading for help from you. I am growing. I am gaining insight from the calls. This forum is inspiring me.
I am far from perfect in controlling my lust, but I see myself taking steps. With your help, and with the some serious siyata dishmaya, I believe that I can continue in my progress.

IGW,
your words about wanting to get to the end and be done already resonate with me, and i imagine with many others. it is a common feeling. you wrote beautifully how the slow simple steps are so much more effective than the blazing pie-in-the-sky actions.
thank you and keep up your good work

Hi IGW.

If we think we've just got a 'little problem' or a bit of a 'bad habit,' then that's about as much effort we'll make in recovery--to stop some sort of little 'bad habit.'

So, in order to take this seriously and make all the necessary effort, we've got to appreciate that we've got a really serious sickness (if, in fact, we do).

That's actually the first step in recovery--to realize we're sick, and to realize exactly how sick we are, and to really take it to heart. Without that, we can't really get all that much further.

--Elyah

Thanks guys.

Last night was a very slippy night for me. I was stupid and putting myself in very dangerous situations.
The slips are making everything worse. I get all of these hirhurim flooding into my head. Thinking to myself what would have been had I taken the next steps to actually act out.
Slips feel worse than falls. At least with a fall, I can tell myself that at least I had some pleasure. With a slip, though, all I feel is the acute craving for pleasure.

What a tiyereh mensch! You're going to be fine. You are suffering well. This is Tikun. You are doing it! You are a warrior and will prevail with G-d's help.

When things get intense, what sometimes works for me is to just shut down all the thinking and worrying and struggling, and put my head in my hands and close my eyes and just talk, sometimes cry and drool and snark (snark? What is this? a verb? To snark?...oh well...) just ask/beg Hashem to fix this for me. I just give up. sometimes He answers in revealed ways. sometimes the answers aren't so revealed, but I usually get past the crazies.

You can do this. Easy does it. and just take one day, maximum, at a time. I'd suggest shortening up your horizon.

Hatzlocho