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I just don't want this nisayon. There's a gemara in brachos, hey amud beis: Rabi Chiya bar Aba is sick, and Rabi Yochanan goes to visit him. Rabi Yochanan asks him: chavivin alayich yisurin? Do you want these pains? Rabi Chiya bar aba responded: lo hen vlo scharan- I don't want the pains and I dont want the reward for getting through the pains.
SO many times I've davened pleading to just remove the yisurin of addiction. I don't want the schar. I don't care about the schar. I just want to be free. I remember once, on maariv of Yom Kippur, I just started weeping. Begging. Not for kapara. I deserve whatever punishment gets meted out. I want to just not have this addiction anymore. I just want to be normal. To be free.
When I think about this, it sort of seems like really my point is that I don't want to work for it. That, essentially, was what Rabi Chiya bar Aba said. He wanted to bail out and not do the work. But, I guess, I don't have the option here. I don't have a rabi yochanan here to just release me. I need to work through this. There's no alternative. I can pretend that I will find an easy way out where I dont have to work. I will pretend that my filter is rabi yochanan. That once I've set it up, I can act as though I have no problems, and go onto the computer even when I know that Im feeling desires for p. I believe that I can scan the web for images or movies that are permissible with my filter but are inappropriate. But, this is all a lie.
The filter is not Rabi Yochanan. The filter cannot save me. As I have seen a few days ago, and then late last night-- I am an addict. No matter what external boundaries I put up, the fight begins and ends with me. With what's in my head.

I have to run to the airport now. Going back to my life that exists outside of pesach and vacation.
I pray (and ask you to also have in mind in your tefilos) that I should be able to internalize this. To realize that I need to step up to the plate and be responsible for protecting myself. That I cannot rely on filters or any other "easy ways out"

When you feel the pain, what do you do? What do you think you could do?

Forgive the direct question. You read my posts, my ups and downs, so you know who I am and what I do - and in most cases it work , but sometimes it doesn't :'(). But i am still here, honestly. And they can't take that away from me - as the song goes...

All the best to you on you journey to sobriety. Wellcome brother!!!

Earlier today I was reading through some posts on the website here when a friend of mine walked into the room. Instinctively, I quickly pressed cntl W, closing the window before he saw what I was doing (hopefully, I will reach a point when I am comfortable enough with myself and my progress that I won't feel as ashamed. But for now, I think I'm still going to keep this as "Eye.nonymous" as possible). When I realized what I had just done--closing the window before he saw it-- I started laughing. The last time that he walked into the room and I closed the window, it was because I was looking at "shmutz." Baruch Hashem that I have found this place, and that I am spending time on the computer in ways that help me heal, as opposed to hurting me.

Today is day 2. And hopefully, I'll be closing up shop in a few hours and securing another clean day.
It's good for me to be back into a schedule (Albeit, a super busy one). I look forward to a busy, efficient, and, most important, clean week.

One day at a time.

Counting with you bro

Frustration is all I am feeling right now. Frustration with my will (or lack there of). Frustration with my self-awareness (again, lack there of). Frustration with my inability to even make it onto the 90 day chart.

Last night I allowed myself to enter into conditions that I should not have. I know that I shouldn't have. I know that it wasn't safe. And, I know that I deluded myself into believing that it was safe.
I started to slip, and I tried getting to this site to post something, but, for whatever reason, the internet connection just wasn't letting me on. So, I continued looking around. By the rules, I think what I was dealing with at first was only a slip. But, I was not sure--I was voluntarily putting myself into situations where there was a good chance that pictures would come up, even if I closed the window as soon as I saw them.
Eventually, as with most slips, I just decided that this should turn into a fall. By no means was this the worst fall that I've ever had. I have gone much much lower than I did last night. So, I guess that's something to focus on-- some growth for me, at least. But, a fall is still a fall. So, I reset the count.

Last night, after the fall, during maariv amida, I spent some time daveing and reflecting on what I need to be doing. I did the same thing this morning at shacharit.
The first level of mesilas yesharim is zehirus. I need to work on that. My actions need to be calculated. I should be doing things (read: going on the internet) unless I have a clear and proper purpose to be doing so.

I have to run, but I'll likely be back later today to post again. Until then, here's to a new count, a new day, and a new opporunity to succeed

Yes. An alarm needs to go off in your head whenever you catch yourself purposelessly surfing, or perusing a pop magazine, or looking at a television or a video case, or a newspaper. Your addict will be looking for his fix. Starve him.

You are working hard. i beg you to stop worrying about what day number you are on. You are describing things you're learning that are such chizuk for me. Just keep at it. Each little insight will add to the next. Soon you will understand how deep down the INTENTION to be a clean eved has to really be, and that we have to see the truth of what our deepest intention really is with our own "eyes". Do I really intend to be clean before Hashem? Or do I really intend to keep making with the drama--fall, crawl; fall,crawl. Davening definitely shows the path to our deepest intentions. Last Shabbos people were talking about Rebbe encounters. Somebody made the point that when the Rebbe looked at you it felt like he was looking right through you, and you really wanted to be really clean.

Last week I was on a cruise control. After you get a little sobriety under your belt, you'll see it gets pretty easy to stay clean and figure you have the yetzer under control. It's a well-known trick of the yh, which for some reason I refuse to believe is happening to ME. So I just wasn't paying much attention to the yetzer. I got awakened really early by somebody, a neighbor, and I snapped something at him. I tried to make amends, but it didn't fly. It bothered me all day. I caught up with him at his house late that night and mended the fence.

Every day there's so much I refuse to learn, because I'm doing just great, and who needs any more of this recovery stuff. Oy!

You're doing great. Keep learning. The count will start adding up really fast. But just go one little piece at a time. maybe ask for help just till mid-day.

Keep On Truckin

It looks like you're working at it and that's what really counts. Keep chipping away at this litle shtikle at a time, and you will undoubtedly succeed.
Good shabbos,
Mottel

I had a bad night on saturday night. I was so happy with myself going into shabbas, I just totally dropped my guard, I guess. It was a rather weird fall-- It wasn't really a pleasurable experience. I think that because of the filter, I wasn't able to get the real fix I wanted, you know? I just sort of had to take whatever I could find. A very frustating experience for an addict.

Either way, I made a major decision for me after that fall. My wireless internet card is external to my computer. So, I unplugged the card and made a quasi-oath that I wasn't going to plug the card into my computer (or even have the card) while in my room until this coming sunday. I've made this type of statement to myself before, but never for such an extended period of time, and I have hardly been successful at keeping it out of my room. However, this time, I looked at it as a type of taphsic shvuah. By considering it as such, I sort of elevated my decision to keep the card out of my room to something more serious.

So far, it has been going well. Baruch Hashem I have had enough self control to keep the card out of my room. I made this decision to last until this coming sunday. My goal is to renew this decision for another week this coming sunday. me'at me'at, I hope to get somewhere.

Also, I joined the famous phone conferences this week. Shlomo's night meetings. Still the beginning, but I plan to put forth effort to really get something out of them.

It's a good feeling to know that I am taking major steps here. I pray that I continue to feel good, through my success in overcoming this yetzer harah.

ImGonnaWin wrote on 25 Apr 2012 22:29:


Indeed!
Sounds like you're back in a good place.
Shteig on!

Still going strong, baruch Hashem. But, i miss it. I miss the pictures, the videos. I can't seem to shake this feeling that I'm missing out on so much...
It shows up in my mind, randomly. This morning, while learning, images and videos just popped in my head. I want to go back to it. It hurts to be away. I know these are "yetzer hara hunger pains," but that doesn't make it any less difficult to handle.
I'm not sure what to do about that...

In other news, last night, during Shlomo's phone conference, I heard a familiar voice. A guy i grew up with, used to learn with, still see almost daily. He was on the call. And, it sounded like he's somewhat of a veteran. And, it just sort of hit me. How many people are walking around with double lives? And, it also got me to start thinking a lot about GYE in general. I used to feel like i was the only frum person really suffering from this. But, being here, being on those phone calls, knowing that my friend also suffers from this-- I realize that I'm not alone. And that's a comforting feeling