Day 5- Today went pretty well... I was thinking a lot about what Rav Miller discusses in day 4 of "Windows Of The Soul"...that we are a holy nation, and keeping our eyes in check should be done to keep ourselves holy- like we are meant to be. This has made Shmiras Einayim a lot easier for me to deal with, because I no longer view it as "combating lust"...I see it as keeping myself holy because that is what Hashem created me for. Like many people have said on the forum, its not about wanting lust and running away from it...its about never wanting lust because it repulses you. A person should not be thinking to himself "I really want to fantasize about this woman, but I wont because its against my morals", he should rather be thinking "That is absolutely disgusting to me."
I like this approach a lot especially since it means that I wont be running my entire life....I wont be walking with my head down everywhere I go until Im 90 and my libido has sputtered out. Hashem will have transformed me into a different person, a person who despises lust because it goes against the very grain of my essence- holiness.


Day 6-Shabbos was amazing. Baruch Hashem, not many struggles with lust except for a few inappropriately dressed "tznius" women- or, 'Closet Zonahs' as I like to call them. When I would spot them in the distance, my head went down and I kept thinking "Their mode of dress is disgusting. I will not contaminate my holy Neshama, my gift from Hashem, with the filth that these women represent."

Like Kutan so beautifully said, I need to "despise lust, without any price... even for free... even if they'd pay me....", and I beg Hashem that he leads me to that holy state.

Much love to you all.

Dear Will,

You're doing great!

Day 8- As soon as you get a bit too cocky and think "Hey, I'm doing it!", Hashem gives you a fatherly pat on the back with a serious nisayon and says "Chill." Thats what happened to me today...I was doing great with the few errands I had to run, in a semi crowded Israeli mall, keeping my head down and looking away immediately upon inappropriateness...I was thinking "Yetzer Hara, bow down to your king." Then, for reasons I cannot elaborate on, I was forced to go to the airport and surprise an arriving friend. Surprising at the airport means waiting at the arrival hall and watching every single person that comes out of customs. I was doing well for a while...keeping my eyes in check. But after 45 minutes of this...my eyes became a bit "loose". I looked twice at a few women. Very upsetting. I basically ate treif a few times while I was casually waiting at the airport! Sometimes, says R' Tzadok, Hashem gives a person a nisayon that he cannot handle just to see how he recovers. Does he get depressed when he falls, staying on the ground and thinking "this is impossible"? Or does he jump right back onto the horse? Baruch Hashem, He has given me the strength to continue with this struggle right where I left off.

Will,
Your posts are REAL!
You are doing GREAT!
Remember that its a process...
Also, all this lofty talk by Kutan (and I presume others) about despising lust does not mean that we have reached the level where we ALWAYS feel this way. Situations will pop up, such as where we are exposed to very old stimuli that has a long term track record of getting us, where the lust will flare up again, and we then need to come on to the hand to hand combat methods that you started talking about... brute self control, aided by "aitzos".

And please keep posting. Your journey is an inspiration to me, and with Uri off line, I'm looking for a new role model!

kutan

Day 9-Today...Im in the middle of learning a sweet daf of Gemara...My chavrusa and I are throwing out questions, finding answers, formulating different mehalchim. There is no room for the Yetzer Hara in mind. Or so I think... We get stuck on a piece, brainstorming for a few minutes...
"I got it!" shouts my chavrusa. I look at him. He smiles and begins to build his case with his signature hand motions.

Just then, the Yetzer Hara hit...it was a surprise attack- completely out of nowhere. He had gotten past my defenses and was staring me in the eye...alone, at first.
"Hey Will" says the Y"H, a troubling grin on his face.
"Get out of here" I shoot back.
He smiles..."Im going Im going...but uh...I just thought I should tell you that uhh...your neder expired yesterday...y'know, the one you had against intentionallly looking at 'exciting things' and acting out. Well, its over...which means that technically, you can do whatever you want now...and it wont cost you a thing. Anyway, I'll uhh...I'll leave now." He began walking towards the end of my mind, disappearing behind a recess.
My face goes white. I was doing so well that I had forgotten to renew the neder before it expired.
"Oh no." I think..."This Yetzer Hara is too powerful for me to battle without a tangible ally (my neder)."
I frantically look around for Menachem, the guy I make my nedarim with. He's nowhere in the beis. Panic-stricken, I nervously look for the Yetzer Hara...he's nowhere to be found...I calm down a bit...He just planted the idea and left.
"Ok, no biggie" I think to myself. I exhale. "He's gone for now...I can make it through the rest of this daf, and then Ill call Menachem to schedule an emergency neder session."
Slightly more calm, I look back at my chavrusa. He's still going at it, clarifying his mehalech and pointing excitedly all over the daf and its neighbor. I try to put my mind back into it entirely. Im just finding the place, when suddenly....
BOOM. The Yetzer Hara comes racing out into my conscious, fully dressed in his battle gear. But this time he's not alone...an entire army flanks his right and left...an army of memories. Every image I ever tried to forget, every fantasy I ever had...they were there, and advancing. "Oh no...I fell for it!" I yell "...THE RETREATING ATTAAAACK!!!" I run for cover, falling back into battle stance...looking desperately for backup...but no...all of my defenses are too distant to utilize.
The Yetzer Hara and his army were getting closer and closer...their spears forming an impenetrable wall, threatening every area of my exposed neshama. They were not letting up. I look at the massive army and its general...there is no hope. Caught off guard with no defenses, it was shooting fish in a teacup- and I was the fish.
"Im done for" I think..."his army is too powerful."
I slowly put down my weapons. "It was a good streak...but nothing lasts..." I think sadly. The Yetzer Hara is smiling...victory is his, yet again. I begin scheming for my acting out, the Yetzer Hara being very helpful...
and just then it hit me. "Thats it! Nothing lasts...nothing lasts...NOTHING LASTS!!! All of these memories that are threatening my neshama...all of these 'pleasures' that are promising me happiness...they DONT LAST! Why in the world should I even think about giving in to such fake fulfillment?"
And thats when I heard the air sirens...a formation of thousands of planes coming out of nowhere. I squinted towards them...they were friendly! They were allies! They were sent by Hashem himself! I watched as the air strike flew in low, letting loose a barrage of missiles, assaulting the Yetzer Hara's army. Memory by memory, each one was blown up...any temptation that I had as a result of them were obliterated along with them. With newfound courage, I scrambled for my weapons and began running towards the Yetzer Hara, "GET OUT OF HERE!!" I screamed. The Y"H looked at me, dumbstruck,and ran in the opposite direction. My body relaxes. "Whew...that was close."
I looked back up at the planes just in time to see them get back in formation...and disappear into the horizons of my mind. I looked up. "Thank You Hashem...thank You."

"And THATS exactly what Rashi was hinting to over here, and now it all makes sense!! Gevaldig!" finished my chavrusa.
"Uh, WOW! Good thinking!" I quickly said. We both looked back into our gemara's...I sneak a peak at my watch. That was the longest 30 seconds of my life.

G
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wow.

are you related to someone called Ben Moshe?

kutan
PS: your quote line is great!

kutan shel hachabura
Sr. Member

Posts: 300

HI CAN I PLEASE SPEAK TO MR. CHABURA

YES KATTAN YES THATS HIM

I KNOW HIM AS MR CHABUREAH

I WILL HOLD

THANKS

MUSIC...

MORE MUSIC....

"UHH DE OPPERATIR" YOISH

WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE DOESN'T ANSWER PHONES?

OH! GUE !!

FARSHTAY SHOIN ALLES

THANKS FOR YOUR HELP

ACE!!

Who knows what that stands for?

Will, just a tip. Next time this happens, you could make a neder on the spot, just for the day, not to act out (without menachem).

??? I GIVE UP  ???

Will,
I really enjoyed your narrative. It made me smile. Thank You.
I wish you continued success in the war. Your an excellent general.
  With strong allies

ACE stands for Another Chizuk E-mail!

guardureyes wrote on 25 Aug 2009 21:23:


Mr. B.
I think he was referring to your 'telephone' monologue.

You know his 'poll' in todays email? Well, I suggested he focus on the humor here... send out snippets from this guy Mr. B and friends. When word of mouth spreads, the email roster will swell for sure.

BTW, I'm dedicating the 300 post milestone to you, Mr. B.
Without you to bounce around with today, what WOULD i have done?
(shudder).
No business today, the world is sleeping.

No telemarketing calls, even, from India, trying to sell me whatnot.

Well, maybe one or two.

k

Thank you guys for such support!
Guard- Usually I find it easier to actually pay the money when I know I owe it to a friend (krum, I know)...but you're right, the one day neder is definitely a good emergency maneuver.
Kutan- Who's Ben Moshe?

Day 10- I feel good about yesterdays victory, but it also put me down. I realize now that I am just a "dry drunk", or contextually, a "clean lust-a-holic". I never thought that I was free from the lust, but it is a bit saddening to see how weak my defenses are without my "tangible ally". Ive decided to begin Cheshbon HaNefesh and really give my neshama a scrubbing. This battle cannot be won with constant skirmish...lust needs to be repulsive to me, completely unthinkable. Its a lifelong goal...but I need to get a foothold.

Hashem...help me.

Good for you!
Tell me,
what method of cheshbon hanefesh are you planning to do?
Ive tried a nightly perusal of my day with a notebook to write down observations for improvement. I stopped because i kept missing nights because i don't get to sleep at a uniform hour.
I think i'm going to start again, tonight.
Thank you for the inspiration!
With Success!