I originally wrote this as a PM, but then realized that I should post in on my thread.  I sometimes forget the things that helped me get sober.  Here are a few ideas that may be helpful to others.

When I came to GYE, one of the first things I realized was that the "issur" isn't the problem per se.  Meaning, fantasizing about my wife, in my mind at least, was muttar, so why not.  I didn't realize that I was still feeding my lust, and as they say "the more you feed it, the more you need it".  I learned that I couldn't look at things in terms of muttar or assur, but in terms of, is this feeding my lust or not.  Once I lust, I loose control (I have a lust allergy), whether my wife is the object of my lust or some shiksa.  In terms of lust itself, it makes no difference.

In general, I found that low self-esteem and perfectionism were big problems for me.  I took myself too seriously.  I was too tense.  I assumed that being very exact about doing mitzvos was a positive thing.  I didn't realize that much of it was just my perfectionism.  I don't want to be bad (low self-esteem speaking), so let's try to be perfect, so I will never do anything bad (perfectionism).  That causes a lot of stress on both me and my wife.  Stress leads to acting out.  Especially when I upset my wife.  That type of stress, definitely leads to acting out.  I found Dr. Sorotzkin to be very helpful.

I also joined Dov's phone call, and did a first step inventory.  Being able to admit my faults out loud and not die from it helped me a lot.  I also learned to discuss my faults with my wife (not all acting out related).  It helped me to accept myself as I am, and I became more relaxed.  To my surprise, my wife also accepted me as I am, and now we had open communication which made us feel much closer. Paridoxically, as I accepted imperfection and faults, my self-esteem and confidence grew.

I learned from Dov the concept of living on G-d's terms.  In my own words, the third step is "kol mah deavid Rachmana letav avid".  Let Hashem run the show.  Now, instead of being on edge and getting angry because "I" need to learn and one of the kids is misbehaving. I was able to calmly say to myself, "what does Hashem want from me now"?  Obviously, to take care of my child.  The learning will have to wait.  I would read a book to my child and instead of yelling because "my" learning was interrupted, I just had a wonderful bonding moment and solved a chinuch issue at the same time.  This was a major attitude change for me, and a real game changer for my recovery.

Many times, I'd be tense because "I" need to make barchu.  "I" need to learn.  Focusing on what does Hashem "need" from me is a subtle but powerful attitude change.  (I don't claim to always do this.  Not even close.  But I'm aware of it, and even small changes, can make a big difference)

I became much calmer, and naturally, the urges to act out became less frequent and less intense.

It's good for me to review this once in a while, so thank you (and you know who you are) for motivating me to write this out.

I hope it helps someone. It definitely helped me!

It should be locked at 120.

Thanks.  Let me give a better example.  I am running late.  It's my fault because I was lazy getting up.  I don't want to be late for shul, so I drive like a nut to get there on time.  I cut someone off and make a chillul Hashem.   Clearly, in that example,  Hashem wanted me to drive like a mentch.  The fact that I'm late is my fault and not an excuse to drive that way.

Yes, sometimes it is unclear.  But, in my case, I think a lot of it had to do with "my" need to feel that I'm good and not bad.  Not necessarily what Hashem wants from me.

Look at your actions. Are they consistent?  You rush to daven or learn, but then do you waste time when you learn.  Ultimately, it's an honesty thing. Are your actions consistent with someone who cares about what the shulchan aruch says?  What about when you don't feel like it? Do you make excuses? 

It is just something you have to know about yourself.  I think we lie to ourselves a lot.  I know I do.

Shlomo24 wrote on 10 Feb 2017 00:46:

And yours at 24?
You must be kidding

Shlomo24 wrote on 10 Feb 2017 00:46:

And yours at 24?
You must be kidding