The proof of the pudding is in its taste

How are your actions?
so many days of sobriety is very telling don't you think?
If you are not acting out and intimacy is fine so what's the problem? perhaps she feels you are choosing GYE over attention for her? (just trying to think like a female)

On the point that you are on the forum so many hours - what would happen if you begin to cut down a bit?

I hope to answer you soon on my thread, but I should be penalized for hijacking this heavyweight thread, sorry Gib120

k - sorry too

Gibbor doesn't mind.
He just likes helping people.

Mazal Tov, Gibbor, on reaching this wonderful milestone - one day at a time!

 

Mazel Tov!!

no problem. 

It's hard to give advice in a setting like this.  I don't know you, and I don't know your wife.  A rebbi once told me that everyone has problems.  Counceling should be considered when the problems affect your ability to live a normal life (I heard this a long time ago, so don't hold me to the exact wording).  Obviously, this is somewhat subjective, but I don't think it's that different from the idea of "my life has become unmanagable" (although perhaps this would apply before the stage of "unmanagable").

In this case it may (or may not) be worth it to satisfy your wife.  Maybe the therapist will say you don't need therapy, and your wife will be appeased.

I really don't know.  I'm just thinking out loud...

Keep us posted.

cordnoy wrote on 10 Jun 2016 05:34:

I'm bumpin this for 3 reasons

1. It's Gibbor's thread and such a hero's thread cannot hibernate for so long!!
2. It has to do with the 3 weeks
3. 
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Gibbor went thru such a situation, but of course each case is different.
The reality is that such a crisis needs the the right people (Rav, therapist, kalla teacher that knows how to deal with this). You barred your raw self to your wife, and although shocking, if she comes round after time, and with your recovery, it can be something that brings you 2 much closer
gibbor120 wrote:

Did some serious speed forumming today.  Probably won't be back on until after sukkos, so have a great yom tov everyone!

gibbor120 wrote:

You must have helped at least 1000 guys here literally, myself included. Dovs posts speak to me even if I don't consider myself an addict...

I finally put a link to Dov quotes in my signature - THANKS TO YOU BRO', cos I feel it's the first thing guys should read when they land on the forum. 
(Disregard the video button below it's only for this week)

And what about the few that don't login the forum?
Well... When is Artscroll publishing the Dov quote book?

"The Powerless Maggid Speaks"

"Tricyle Tours of the Addict Maggid"

"The Woodford Maggids 12 Steps (Hic!)" 

You made me smile

A recent post of mine inspired me to come up with this pithy saying:

It is the severity of the "obsession", not the severtity of the "transgression", that ultimately defines the level of "addiction".

I originally wrote this as a PM, but then realized that I should post in on my thread.  I sometimes forget the things that helped me get sober.  Here are a few ideas that may be helpful to others.

When I came to GYE, one of the first things I realized was that the "issur" isn't the problem per se.  Meaning, fantasizing about my wife, in my mind at least, was muttar, so why not.  I didn't realize that I was still feeding my lust, and as they say "the more you feed it, the more you need it".  I learned that I couldn't look at things in terms of muttar or assur, but in terms of, is this feeding my lust or not.  Once I lust, I loose control (I have a lust allergy), whether my wife is the object of my lust or some shiksa.  In terms of lust itself, it makes no difference.

In general, I found that low self-esteem and perfectionism were big problems for me.  I took myself too seriously.  I was too tense.  I assumed that being very exact about doing mitzvos was a positive thing.  I didn't realize that much of it was just my perfectionism.  I don't want to be bad (low self-esteem speaking), so let's try to be perfect, so I will never do anything bad (perfectionism).  That causes a lot of stress on both me and my wife.  Stress leads to acting out.  Especially when I upset my wife.  That type of stress, definitely leads to acting out.  I found Dr. Sorotzkin to be very helpful.

I also joined Dov's phone call, and did a first step inventory.  Being able to admit my faults out loud and not die from it helped me a lot.  I also learned to discuss my faults with my wife (not all acting out related).  It helped me to accept myself as I am, and I became more relaxed.  To my surprise, my wife also accepted me as I am, and now we had open communication which made us feel much closer. Paridoxically, as I accepted imperfection and faults, my self-esteem and confidence grew.

I learned from Dov the concept of living on G-d's terms.  In my own words, the third step is "kol mah deavid Rachmana letav avid".  Let Hashem run the show.  Now, instead of being on edge and getting angry because "I" need to learn and one of the kids is misbehaving. I was able to calmly say to myself, "what does Hashem want from me now"?  Obviously, to take care of my child.  The learning will have to wait.  I would read a book to my child and instead of yelling because "my" learning was interrupted, I just had a wonderful bonding moment and solved a chinuch issue at the same time.  This was a major attitude change for me, and a real game changer for my recovery.

Many times, I'd be tense because "I" need to make barchu.  "I" need to learn.  Focusing on what does Hashem "need" from me is a subtle but powerful attitude change.  (I don't claim to always do this.  Not even close.  But I'm aware of it, and even small changes, can make a big difference)

I became much calmer, and naturally, the urges to act out became less frequent and less intense.

It's good for me to review this once in a while, so thank you (and you know who you are) for motivating me to write this out.

I hope it helps someone. It definitely helped me!

Sure helped me.

Hope it helped the recipient as well.