Gevura Shebyesod wrote:


aaah, that is the secret of recovery. We need to constantly work, but we never get any stronger. As dov says, I'm as powerless over lust today as I ever was.

I don't think I realized that when I chose my avatar as a GYE seedling.

I realized that the article was edited a bit. I would like to post the original. I bolded the major parts that are missing in the GYE edited version. I see some other minor changes too.

Here is the kli rishon version:

My journey from lust addiction to recovery with the help of Guard Your Eyes (GYE).

I grew up in a Modern Orthodox home. During my childhood, I spent many hours in front of a television and watching movies which exposed me to a constant barrage of sensual images.

In high school, I was able to access to movies of a very explicit nature, and I had become obsessed with them. My mind was filled with thousands of indecent images (to put it mildly), and I was spending most of my time either watching or fantasizing about them.

My body may have been in shiur, in the beis medrash, or davening, but my mind was not. From the outside, no one knew that anything was wrong. I was considered a model student. I have since learned that this is very common, perhaps even the norm rather than the exception, for lust addicts.

I attended a good yeshiva in Israel and got into learning. For the first time, I seriously tried to stop being metamei my mind and body. I knew that what I was doing was wrong and I wanted to stop, but I could not. The learning helped somewhat, but try as I might, I could not rid myself of this obsession. Despite my best efforts, I was slowly getting worse.

I came back to learn in a fine yeshiva in America, and for a time, starting fresh in a new yeshiva seemed to help. But again, my respite was short lived, and in a relatively short amount of time, I was back to my old ways.

I reached the age of shidduchim and thought that getting married would solve my problem. I have found this to be a very common misconception. I married a fine Bais Yaakov girl, and for a short while, I was leading the normal life of an avreich. Again, this was short lived. Slowly but surely, I was being drawn more and more to images and fantasies.

Not too long after our marriage, we got a computer with Internet. Needless to say, things got much worse. I now had access to endless images and video. When I had the opportunity - I would often be in front of the screen. There were ups and downs. At times, I was able to focus on my learning and be clean for a couple of months, but invariably I would fall back. I was up and down like a yo-yo, and had been for years.

I entered the working world, which gave me more opportunities to sit in front of a screen. At first, I was afraid to look for anything indecent for fear of being caught. Over time, I became less and less fearful. On a slow day at work, I could spend hours looking at thousands of images.

I was progressively getting worse. I was taking bigger and bigger risks both at home and at work. I figured I would get caught eventually. There was no way I could hide forever. After hiding for over 20 years, and for over a decade of marriage, one night, my wife caught me.

That moment and the days that followed were the most painful moments I have ever had to endure. My world came crashing down, as did my wife's. I was in a daze and my wife did not know what to do with herself.

Deep down, I think I wanted to be caught. There were many times that I wished that there was someone I could talk to. I knew from years of failure, that I could not get out alone, but I was too ashamed to ever speak with anyone about it. Now at least I had someone to share my struggle with. Now, maybe I could get help.

My wife called our Rav and we met with him both individually and together. He gave us words of encouragement and assured my wife that I was indeed the ben torah that she thought she had married. He told her that my problem did not stem from a lack of love for her, nor was it an indication that she was undesirable in any way. His advice was that we needed to make gedarim and we needed to talk.

Talking wasn't always easy, but it was necessary for our relationship to recover from a major blow, and for me to recover from my addiction. She didn't understand how I could have fooled her for so long. How could she be sure I wasn't just fooling her again? It was very painful for me to have lost her trust. I knew that I had to be completely honest with my wife. I could not bear to lose her trust again.

For the next two years, I managed to stay 'sober' (a term borrowed from AA). Some times were easier and some more difficult. I knew with certainty that I did not want to go back down the path I had been all too familiar with. There was simply too much at stake. It is true that I was sober, but my sobriety was largely based on fear. I was on shaky ground.

One day, quite by accident (read: hashgocho pratis), I found Guard Your Eyes (www.guardyoureyes.com). One of the first things I found there is a handbook of tools and attitudes. I found it to be very enlightening and I shared my newfound knowlege with my wife. We both began to understand what I was dealing with at a much deeper level. It was was a catalyst for new discussion and understanding between us.

One of the most important lessons that I learned was that lust was not the problem, it was the solution. I always thought that I had a teiva problem. I tried to stop using sheer will power and making kabbalos - what I'd call the standard teshuva model. The real problem was a living problem. Life was just not bearable (for reasons I will not go into here) and my solution was to use lust as my drug to numb the pain. I needed a different model for change. I needed to address the root of the problem.

I had a start, but I was still very confused. Did I need to see a therapist, perhaps join a 12 step program? I joined the anonymous forum where I could open up and ask questions to the GYE community. There were so many people there just like me. There were people from every age and background, all with different stories, and yet, in a way, all with the same story. They were all so supportive and encouraging. I had a new family. One that loved and accepted me unconditionally.

I made some friends on the forum. I called a few on the phone and even met one in person. After much thought, I finally decided to join one of the anonymous 12 step phone conferences. It was uncomfortable for me, and even more uncomfortable for my wife. I was sharing my darkest secrets with, for the most part, complete strangers. But, it was something I felt I had to do.

Openly sharing with others was the single most powerful step I took towards recovery. I began to accept myself, and life became more bearable. There was a father in heaven who loved me despite my flaws. I was not defined by my imperfections.

Although it was difficult for my wife, she couldn't help but notice the tangible results. It wasn't simply that I had stopped doing aveiros. I was becoming a differnt person, a calmer, more patient, and more giving person. Guard your eyes had given me the tools, and a wonderful network of people, upon which to build a strong foundation of recovery.

Chaza"l tell us that Tisha B'av will one day become a yom tov. One day, we will recognize that everything, even a catastrophe the magnatude of churban habayis was a blessing. The day my wife caught me was my personal Tisha B'av. It was a time of shame, sadness, and intense pain. With a lot of bitter tears, hard work, and help from GYE, it has become a yom tov. It has been a catalyst for growth and a closeness to my wife that I could not have dreamed of. As my wife herself said "I would never have asked for this, but I feel so much closer as a result." Life has never been sweeter.

GYE has tools for every person. Whether you just need some chizzuk in shmiras aynayim, or you are a full blown addict. The tools for success are there for you to take. There is no need to suffer any longer.

Mazel tov!!!!!!


May Hashem grant you continued hatzlacha


(music starts playing)
siman tov umazel tov umazel.....

Thank you all for your well wishes, as well as continued support and encouragement! I truly could not be where I am today without your help!

hic



[my way of joining the simcha]

Mazel Tov indeed! Also your story is very inspiring.

Hatzlacha to us all!

Sure is. Your post is so precious. I think I will start a "gibbor120 Quotes" thread!

Great quote from today's chizzuk email:

Lamed Vavnik wrote:

I had a thought recently. Even a murderer has someone who loves him. His mother. She will say how nice he is. It's really not his fault. He has a good heart...

We can understand that. It's the nature of the love of a mother.

Why do we have such a hard time believing that Hashem loves us? He certainly loves us much more than any human being... and hopefully we never murdered anyone.

Oh, sadly not so, my friend. Many poor guys with this problem have already watched Jewish videos about their sperm being considered like dead babies and about how many tens of thousands of Neshomos will be gathered at their funerals to complain about their sperm-wasting that 'killed them' and all their potential future generations.

They are already poisoned and do indeed see themselves as murderers, quite literally.

It's sad.

well they are in luck. Hashem loves murderers too

DISCLAIMER: NOT CONDONING MURDER (I have to legally protect myself )

Fashionably late to your party

Mazal Tov on four years of recovery.

I've learned a lot from you.

Wishing you continued hatzlacha and growth.

It keeps getting better, doesn't it!?

Thanks for stopping in. I was starting to think that your invitation got lost in the mail .

Dov wrote:


I have to agree here (not that Dov really needs my apporoval ). I've seen booklets and leaflets around advertising 'Shmiras Habris', and telling everyone how what they're doing is creating thousands of demons, who are going to attack them. Remedies include things like saying the arizal's krias shema, and others things of a similar nature. But, in my humble opinion, does that ever help anyone stop? It just makes them feel really really guilty next time they fall. "Oh my goodness! I just created hundreds and hundreds of demons! I'm a massive Rasha!" Not really helpful- personal experience...

Those very "helpful" guilty feelings will likely send the poor fellow right back to soothing himself... and then he will feel really guilty... so in order to feel better he will... Well I think you get the picture .