I saw an amazing piece in the aznayim latorah this past shabbos.  It's about Viduy.  In parshas vaera [שמות ט':כ"ז], during the makkah of ברד Paroh says "I have sinned this time, Hashem is the tzaddik and me and my nation are rishoim".

The aznayim latorah comments that any viduy, even from fear of punishment, makes an impression in shomayim.  Paroh's admission was completely out of fear.  He would not give in for another 3 makkos!  Yet, the medrash says that because of Parohs admission - the mitzrim were zocheh to kevurah.

If this is what an insincere confession of a rasha who only confessed under duress can do, IMAGINE what our confession, which is not forced by anyone, and is painful and embarrasing, and comes from a longing to do what's right and come close to Hashem - does! WOW!

thanks for that!

thats a beautiful vort Gibbor, thanks for sharing!

I'm adding a quote from Elyah and my response on the topic of self-esteem:

Eye.nonymous wrote on 26 Jan 2012 19:12:


gibbor120 wrote on 26 Jan 2012 19:37:

Rabbi Frand has a nice piece this week about why we need others in order to grow.

www.torah.org/learning/ravfrand/5772/bo.html

Gibbor,
the exchange with Elya was great, thanks for making it easily accessible.
I never saw it this way, but it is the Truth: whenever I start a new (job, project, learning cycle) my end goal always is to excell to the point of being THE greatest at it. But it is not ambition (which would have been healthy), because it is unrealistic and untrue. And how disappointed do I get, when I don't excell so greatly, even though I may meet with a certain measure of success.
And if I can't find an area where I can imagine being greater than others, than I need to invent something where I can be Numero Uno. If I can't be the best talmid chochom, then by golly I'll be the best drinker of vodka. And if I can't be the best chazan, you can count on me to be the loudest while singing niggunim. And if I'm not the best at what I do professionally, then I'll be the most obnoxious professional in my field. Doesn't really matter what, so long as people associate me with "most, best, ...est".
And of course when I fail even at that, I always have my secret pleasure to be "best" in: I truly am the best masturbator and porn-viewer that I ever known.
So thanks so much for shedding a light on this cockroach in my soul. That should chase him back in the far corner...just for today.
I think I am the best on this forum at accepting the truth about myself. 

gibbor120 wrote on 05 Jan 2012 15:25:



YOOZ DIDN'T EXPECT ME TO POP IN HERE TOO!!!!  RIGHT??


HEH !!  HEH !!

obormottel wrote on 26 Jan 2012 23:46:

The best way to chase away a cockroach is to turn on the light (read: Admit the truth).  Hmmmm.... Maybe I'll change my motto.

Ahhh, there's no place like home.  I haven't been here in a while, but a good buddy convinced me to post a recent email conversation we had.  It is somewhat edited.

gibbor120:
Well I posted about some of my step 4 stuff on one of the private sections for phone call stuff.  One of the things I posted about was some of my jealousies.  I'd like to share som of it with you. 

[I detailed some jealousies, including one specific one about how my wife is so popular and has so many friends.]

After doing the 4th step, I definitely feel less jealous especially since I do have more friends because of GYE.  I am also more willing to discuss my weaknesses.  Before GYE, I would not dream of saying I have low self-esteem or that I am jealous of my wife.  That would be utterly humiliating for me.  The funny thing is the more I am able to admit it - the freer I am of it.  I thought that admitting some of my fears/weaknesses to my wife was very scary for me.  When I did, I was shocked that it did not deminish my value in her eyes.

I think it just goes with being a perfectionist.  Low self-esteem makes me try and be perfect, or at the very least portray a perfect image.  I think when my wife found out about my problem and I had to admit the embarrasing truth, I became more able to admit other embarrassing things about myself.  Although that did not happen until after I found GYE.  All dov's posts about admitting the truth about ourselves to others, really had an impact on me.  I think it is the foundation of recovery.  I really thought it was good to keep all my negative thoughts to myslef and not share them.  That may be true for some, but it is not true for me.  It's much healthier for me to let my thougths out.

Since doing my 4th step I don't feel the jealousy quite as much.  I can't say that I am free of it, but it doesn't eat me up the way it used to.  I am much more able to see that Hashem has a plan for all of us and gives us the tools we need for our mission.  My mission is different and I have the tools I need.

ZS:
- i wonder if your wife's friends (or my wife's friends for that matter) are all people who she considers really good friends. i suspect they are merely friends with whom she'll get a ride with, discuss shopping, clothing, cooking, school stuff and other relatively low-level issues. i would not be surprised if she has only a few really good close friends with whom she would discuss heavy issues. same for my wife. she has many friends but her really really close friends are probably 2 as far as i can see.

- admitting weaknesses paradox. very intriguing phenomina. i wonder what would happen if Jack the Ripper came along and admitted that he murdered 30 people in the last couple years... i know that is an extreme extrapolation but it illustrates the point. admitting weaknesses is not blanche carte to say "oh well i knocked over 2 old ladies on the way to work and did not wait to see if they need help cause i am weak and sometimes irresponsible". so how far does it go? i dunno if i am being clear on this idea

gibbor120:
Yes, I have been trying to call people just to say hi as you know.  I think that is good even if it's not the "deep stuff".  It keeps relationships going and when I really need to talk, I have a network so to speak.

Yes, my wife also has 2 friends that she really considers her "best friends" who she can discuss anything with.

As far as your Jack the Ripper piont.  Allow me to do some thinking "out loud" (read- rambling). These ideas may be only half baked.

I think something dov has said a couple of times may be a good tzu shtell (see, I know some yiddish ).  He was talking about when people share their first step inventory.  He said that he sometimes gets the feeling that the person is simply 'bragging' about the shmutzy stuff he's done.

I think it depends on the person's attitude.  Admitting is about hachnooh.  It's about facing reality, which is really quite sobering.  In our minds, we rationalize and never quite see ourselves clearly.  Somehow spelling out the facts to someone else helps us see the reality of who we are/what we've done and FACE it.  Admitting the truth about ourselves is not supposed to excuse the behavior, it's supposed to make us face it and take responsibility for it.

There are really 3 ways we can look at our bad deeds.  1- rationalize them and not deal with them at all. 2- get down on ourselves and feel like we are worthless.  3- Accept responsibility for what we've done and face it.  Your Jack the Ripper case - seem to be "1" - some form of rationalization. "I can't help it".

So what does "face it" mean.  This is where some sort of action appears to be in order, but admitting it seems to help even if we don't do anything about it. 

All I can say is, that my experience has been so far that whatever I have been able to admit, I have become freer of as a result.  Even though I may not have done any action at all.  It seems that admitting itself is an action somehow.  Maybe it allows me to see how silly and childish it is and therefore I can let go of it more.  As long as it is in my head, I can rationalize it (reaction #1).  Once I spell it out - it just seems plain silly.  On the other hand spelling it out seems to allow me to "accept" it (meaning I don't get depressed over it - reaction #2).

I'm not sure I really understand it, but it doesn't really matter.  It seems to work, at least for me (and millions of other people).  Maybe there's something in the big book that addresses it.

Dov has also quoted someone (R Elimelech maybe) to say that everyone should have a friend that they can tell anything to, even their most embarrasing secrets.  I think you showed me something to that effect in a sefer about yehuda and his "adulamite" friend.

Sorry for another megillah. I hope I made some sense.

ZS:
very good analysis of the Ripper you got there. and also a very important point about the need (or lack of need) to "understand" how this idea works. as long as it works that is the main thing. very well put. i think you should consider posting it as well so others can benefit as well.

gibbor120:
You got it - friend .

VERY WORTH READING!  I JUST TYPED IT FROM A SEFER I JUST BOUGHT!


To summarize in English to the best of my ability (if you can read the hebrew, don't be lazy!):

I heard from a wise man that one of the pleasures of this world is friendship.  Many times a person is lacking this pleasure.  One of the reasons for this is that a person looks at himself in a negative light and views himself as very low - lacking anything positive.  Since he feels that way, he is afraid to make friends lest they uncover his true self (which he views as very lowly).  Therefore he doesn't make friends and lacks that pleasure.

But, since he still wants that pleasure, that desire pushes him to connect in a hidden way through forbidden gazing.  In this way he feels connected to people.  And he fills, as it were, in an imaginary way his desire for friendship (even though this relationship is totally imaginary and has no reality whatsoever).

Therefore, the first thing he must fix is to elevate his value by looking at himself in a positive light, and in this way he will remove his fear to make friends and he won't need to look for pleasure in forbidden pastures.

Good stuff. The last line about building self-esteem as a prerequisit to connecting to other people I don't agree with because it may never happen. What I'm saying is one shouldn;t wait to make friends until he starts seeing himself in a positive light.
But connecting to other people as a way of self-guarding from istaklus ro'o (viewing inapproprite stuff) - that is gold.
Thanks for posting it.

Wow that really hits home hard for me. Where is it from?

OM, I was actually thinking the same thing, but I wanted to quote the sefer exactly.  I have to come out of my comfort zone to make friends first.  I'm still not sure about the self-esteem thing although I posted about it recently. 

I think the main thing is getting out of our own head, connecting to others, doing for others, and not worrying about our selves.  I think the self-esteem comes indirectly.  I don't think that "thinking positive thougts" about ourselves really helps much.  It just keeps us inside our own head.

Gevura ShebYesod wrote on 01 Feb 2012 22:05:

It hit home for me too!  That's why I posted it.  It's called עלי עין and it's on shmiras aynayim.  It was an impulse buy, I thought I might find some good stuff in it.  So far I have found a couple of gems!  Another good sefer is אשא עיני.  I posted about it several months ago - when I probably had less than 100 posts . see here www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=4313.msg114761#msg114761 .

Line from Arutz Sheva




I thought it was appropriate for addiction as well.