Hello all.
My name is ... ya right. As I said in my intro thread, I'm 21 and been suffering since I was 12, with no more than a 1 month break while I was in Israel (at least not that I remember). I'm currently 6 days in and strong! (I think, and I'll get to that.) Whew, beginning aren't easy. I find it very easy to wake up each day and say, "Today is just one day." I find it easy to ask Hashem when I Daven to help me just for today. But, the fact of the matter is, when I'm 'in the moment,' I totally forget all that, and I don't know how to get hold of myself then. Thinking of this wonderful community definitely helps, thinking about the small $ Neder I took on for Tammuz helps, but I've been slipping,  and I'm only 6 days in 
It's really scary to see people on the chart who have already had their 90 days and have slipped and are starting over. Not to Chas V'Shalom put them down, but it scares me because I think that once I hit 90, iy"H, I'll be good to go, but obviously it's a lifelong journey.

I said I'd get back to why I only think I'm 6 days in...but I want to know if this is the more graphic thread, or are we supposed to keep it clean on this thread? I'm still obviously a Newbie, so if someone can let me know the boundaries of this thread, please do!

Anyway, the new site preview looks cool and I CAN'T WAIT for the new live chatroom to open up!!

OK...so I think the 'rules' for the 90 day journey are a bit vague. It seems like a fall is intentional and a slip is accidental. But there are more situations than just these 2 extremes. For example, not looking at porn, but looking at pictures where the women have some clothing on, or going into chatrooms, or intentionally starting the act but stopping before it's completely over. Are slips and falls defined subjectively by everyone as they apply individually? Or, are the rules as defined as they seem to be: a fall is only when someone intentionally looks at actual porn or intentionally does the act completely?

hi
i just started a forum "am i almost there?" with the same question in mind, i didnt ask it as well as you did hope someone can clarify this for us

Glad I'm not alone

It's been about 14 days since I had a complete fall. Whew! I'll explain. I went a week without going all the way, but with talking in chatrooms and looking at immodest  pictures and some. touching. After reading that this is still considered a fall, I started my journey over again. At a great time, too, as I was heading up to camp that day. Going to camp was great for me, it kept my day and mind busy, so I didn't think much about the addiction. But ignoring it is definitely not the right answer. The last few days have brought Hirhurim, and as it's been 2 weeks since I last fell completely, I feel like I'm bugging out. I have so much bottled up in me, and I just can't take it!  I Daven every day to Hashem to take control of my struggle because I know I can't do it alone, and I ask just please help me for today. How do I hold off and keep up the battle!?

Hi,

I think first step is honesty with yourself.

Posting helps, reading the post for sure, the chart helps, indeed the 12 steps, perhaps join a live group or just the on-line group. But I must admit, I didn't join any group - I wanted to do it on my own and I still want to make it on my own. The first steps are hard, but hey it's great to breathe some fresh air! I guess the real question is what triggers your pain?

I wish you all the best!

Please don't be offended by anything I wrote, I too am struggling day by day. The people here will give far more  advice!

Yehoshua

Yehoshua - thanks for the words of encouragement, and I wish you much Hatzlacha in your battle as well!

I'd like to discuss something you mentioned - finding what my triggers are. I don't really understand this idea... I haven't had any 1 kind of emotion when I have fallen in the past. Sometimes I could be happy, others depressed, and sometimes even lonely. But, I haven't noticed any 1 specifc feeling every time I have fallen. I think I honestly do it for the pleasure. I know it feels good, and once the idea pops in my head, I already know I've lost.

I'm back home now, and I'd like to discuss the last 2 weeks since I posted last. The Hirhurim I mentioned got worse and worse, and I fell...on Motzai Tisha B'Av. RIGHT AFTER TISHA B'AV!!?? I couldn't believe it. But, I started again and increased my Tefillos even more. A few days later I fell again at night and again the next day. 2 days in a row!? What was happening to me?? A few more good days, and then I went home after camp. Home, back to my computer.

I had a filter on my computer, but I honestly knew it didn't block certain sites, that although didn't have porn, had enough other things to get me going in the wrong direction. Monday, bam. Tuesday, bam. Twice. Oh, Hashem help me!
And then today...I said no way would I fall today. I wouldn't let it go 3 days in a row. But, I was put to the ultimate test today. Something was wrong with my computer - I think the filter program was messing up the internet. So, I spent sometime on the phone with the computer technicians, and in the end, they did something which removed the filter. I won't say what they did so that no one has the Tayvah to go ahead and do it. Of course, I was stupid and didn't get a filter back on right away. My Yetzer Harah saw the opportunity and said how can I possibly let this free internet go? And he was right. I'm tearing up as I write this, but on this 3rd day in a row, I fell 3 times.

It feels good to get this all out. Im Yirtzah Hashem I will get a filter on first thing tomorrow morning. I will have to up my Davening even more than ever before. But, I'm losing it. I just experienced about a month of very good behavior, and now I'm back to where I was. Yes, I know the month was great, and Hashem must be very proud and happy, but it's very hard to think like that.

Wishing all a good and clean night.....sigh.

Hi Geshmock,

Yes, the times when you were good are yours to keep, all those zechusim are waiting for you in Shomayim.

So don't keep beating yourself up over the falls, The YH loves when you get depressed about it becuse it makes it easier for him to get you to do it again.

Get that filter back in right away, then get back in the truck and start trucking again!!!

All the best,

Gevura!

kabalah sefarim discuss the FACT that the months of tammuz and av are the most difficult for our fight with this yetzer, we're almost done with thes months KOT

Oy another bad day. But I'm not letting it get me depressed. I spent more time learning today than I have the past few days, and I got out of the house for 3 hours. Less than a week till I'm back in Yeshiva/school.
The filter gabbai hasn't responded to my email...I can't use K9 because it slowed up my computer a lot when I had it. Any other filter suggestions?

Thanks for the Chizzuk,
A good and clean night to all.

Another fall. This is crazy!!!! I guess if there's something positive to take from it - I thought about GYE before I fell. But that wasn't enough.
Someone please help me get a filter back on!!!

At least Shabbos is coming and B"H, Bli Ayin Harah, I will be free from porn for the 25 hours of the Holy Shabbos. May Hashem give me and all of us the strength not to fall over Shabbos and may it be a starting point for a better future.

Gut Vuch to all!!

BARUCH HASHEM, I did not fall on Shabbos!!

May this really be a Gut Vuch for us all ~ Let's add 7 days to our journey!

HockShmockGeshmock wrote on 26 Aug 2011 02:52:


I have found that K9 does not play well with certain antivirus software. I don't know what you use now, but try Microsoft Security Essentials, it works well, gets along with K9, and best of all it's free!!

A Gut Voch,

Gevura!

Wow. Welcome back...to me. It's been over a month (!?) since I last posted. I can't imagine that's ever a good sign. A few weeks of no filter. A few good days. A few bad days. Elul, Oh Holy Elul, but... fall after fall. Finally~ the week of Rosh Hashana!! I could do this. 5 clean days going into RH! But, no. Erev Rosh Hashana - a fall!! I simply cannot be alone. It's crazy. People complain about the 3 day Yom Tov, but you know what it gave me? Chazaka!! Back on track...till just now. Looong story but I had the password to my filter... and I was alone again. But that was it. It pushed me back here. I'm disgusted. I feel terrible. And this feeling, this feeling of repulse and remorse that I always feel immediately after a fall, I hope it stays with me forever. It's time for change. My filter is back on. I must write on the forum DAILY. I must get a sponsor. I must read and reread the handbooks. I must join a phone group, and if things don't get better, a live group/therapist will be next.
I'm sick and tired of this. Hashem, PLEASE help me overcome this. In the spirit of Teshuva this week, may this be the last fall I ever have, and may we ALL merit to have clean days for the rest of our lives!

Geshmock,

This is what I did.

The very second you get an urge to look at something, CLAP!

Clap your hands together.  If the urge is still there, clap again.  Harder.

Still there?  Clap again.  Still there?  Clap!

Eventually, one of three things will happen:

The urge will pass.  You win!

Someone will come into the room and say "What is all that noise?  Are you okay?"
You will makeup some silly excuse for all that clapping, and you will be too embarrassed to continue sitting at the computer.  You win!

Or, your hands will hurt so much from all that clapping, that you won't be able to use them for the aveirah..... .....and you win!

I'm up to 14 days, and with this technique, I know I'll get to 90.

By the way, after the first few days, you won't feel that overwhelming urge to go look, as often as you do now.  It will still be there, but it will be less intense and less often.

Also - go to a mikvah, preferably a COLD one.  You can walk in slowly if you want to, but eventually force yourself to toivel completely into the cold mikvah.  A cold mikvah has vast spiritual benefits, specifically related to this aveirah, that are too complex to explain in this forum.  (Ask any mekubal, he'll tell you the same)

Try to stay under the water for a few seconds , making sure that no part of your body is touching the floor or walls.

Get yourself to a mikvah as often as possible, but at the very least every erev shabbos and yom tov.  Natural lakes as well as the ocean are also kosher mikvaos.

You can do it!  I believe in you!