Wow Eden,

You're in a tough spot (at home) but you're in the RIGHT PLACE (here).  You're bombarded with stimulus and cannot simply move to the North Pole.  Nor is that the answer.  I think it may help to think of the solution in 2 parts: the first is learning immediate short term techniques for staying clean and the second is working towards long term self fulfillment so that you do not look for it in the wrong places.  Both can be done simultaneously.  Read the GYE Handbook and Attitudes.  There are many techniques for step one and attitudes that will assist in step 2.  But to really work on step 2, you need to make it yours.  It has to be a customized path, to fit your own personality, strengths, and (positive) interests.  It starts by thinking about the big questions like what is life (really) all about?  Why am I here?  What is my role?  What should my goals be?  Where am I relative to them?  And finally, what's the next step that I can take TODAY to move towards them?

Eden wrote on 18 Aug 2009 00:36:
 
Dear Eden,
Thanks for your deep and heartfelt posts. Ditto to what aaron4 wrote (who I miss!).
My experience was that I needed the face-to-face meetings for the reason your brother seems to be implying: There is a "cushion" that virtuality - even by phone - provided me. In fact, you know how the archeologists show how many cultures all over the world have a "flood"story? Well, many addicts tells the same story. They seem to get a jump-start from getting caught. (Some do not need it at all, though.) I believe that inviting (in their cases unintentionally!! :o) an objective, other, real person into my little world, brings the real me face-to-face with the fake me much more effectively than I ever could on my own. And they need to be forced into the same room in some way, you know. I don't know how old you are, but this idea reminds me of the two captain Kirks, (or the two Dr Whos) from different time dimensions - if they ever met face to face the unerverse would rip apart! (Oy Gevalt! Help!!) Anyway, getting caught, or inviting other - safe - people into our world usually rips that wacky universe apart. And that's good. It seems to be necessary for many of us. Those who really do need it can get it the easy way, or the hard way...
Anyhoo, the SA white book sounds pretty much up your alley (though I now gain more from the big book of AA, myself), and know nothing about SLA or any other group out there. I'm straight SA, I guess.
Love and happy Chodesh to you and yours, reb Eden!
Dov
PS. Incidentally, getting caught helped me but it wasn't until about a year later that I got the help I really needed when i started going to meetings out of my own desperation and surrender. It wasn't pretty, but it worked and is working so far with Hashem's help. 
 

day 4,

Thank you Dov and Aaron4 for your posts,
 
 About the benefits of getting caught, i have been caught in my past, and indeed it was a major source of motivation to change.
      The shame imprints deeply.
 I plan to join a weekly phone conference, and i will look up meetings in my area. My brother agreed to join me for support.

Hey Eden,

Wanting to wish you a gut voch!

Struggle

Your story is amazing and inspiring! I have many of your problems and would like to ask you whether you have considered stopping the use of facebook? Personally, I still have an account, but my whitelist filter does not include facebook. Why? Because I have had triggers from there that lead me to fall. In addition to that it uses up much more time than I would like and quite frankly: I would rather do something else than stay on the computer because of a pseudo-"social"-networking site 

Ask HaShem for help, He will not deny it to you!

KUTGW!

May you all have great and blessed weeks as well,
    In the lust industry, of the yetzer harah district.
    A voice addresses the committee.
  Hello, thank you all for coming. I'm going to tell you how our product works.
 
  Subject A likes to watch porn, great, but that's not what you've come to hear about.
  I'm going to tell you how we addict him to the product, so that he can't stop coming.
  It starts with the first abuse.
  We catapult him into a state of sorrow, so that hopefully, he'll get so swamped by the emotion that he won't think about his situation.
  He won't accept his situation and realize that he needs help, advice, support.
  Now the kids slept off or shook off the sorrow, and he's happy again.
  He's sworn not to use it again, but don't worry guys he's still in our grasp.
  You see, he's afraid of being labeled an "addict," because he's always scorned those addicts and considered himself better than them.
  To be one? Can't be.
  So there go, fellows.
  This boys pride will keep him from accepting the necessary support.
  He will convince himself that he just needs to try a little harder, he will convince himself he doesn't need help.
  Till, he falls again.
  And he falls into sorrow.
  And the whole process starts all over again.
  This boy, gentlemen, is now stuck in what i like to call a pattern of destruction.
  All it costs is some sorrow, and pride.
  If your convinced, please make out your checks to addictions inc.
  Thank You.

 
 
 

In response to your qeury, Someone,

I thank you for your support,
Honestly and gratefully, i do not struggle with facebook. I'm not really sure what i would do with facebook as i only have like 9 friends, and i made myself inaccessible in searches.
You can still add it to your whitelist manually though right?
You are all amazing!

Thank You!

Amazing and so true story you posted! Applies to me all the way down to the last comma! Just saved it on my computer, thats how good I thought it was!

Yes, I could add facebook to my whitelist. If I would have the password! I learned from other peoples experiences here that having the password for your own filter is like having an open Internet.  My problem with facebook was that whenever I did not want to work, I was on it. I had around 150 "friends" (maybe 10 of them I can count as real, serious, loving friends) and the girl I love was also there. I was obsessed with visiting her page, trying to find out things.... a real online stalker. Apart from that I also went to other peoples pages and was just generally quickly immersed for an hour-two.

Sounds like this was a year ago, doesn't it? As you probably know, I installed the filter yesterday.... and feel liberated. No compulsive checking of facebook, can concentrate on my work and actually do not even miss it that much.

Of course this doesn't apply to you, but I sort of assumed that sort of situation, hence my question   All the better if you can use it the way you do!

KUTGW!

/SO

day 9,
Thank you for your feedback,

Someone, i am very flattered that you appreciated my writing, it speaks to your character.
  I suppose love can change the rules a bit.
  Good luck with that, love can be difficult.

A friend came over today and we ended up watching a movie, a martial arts movie, no "scenes" or anything. I'm not happy about it because i know it's a slippery slope with the media. That's why i'm writing, because i remember the days i wasted away watching petty Movies and TV shows.
I am afraid of a relapse, this morning i felt the desire to watch TV, i recognized the escapist yearning, and it's tenacity scared me.
I am not going to restart my day count because this was not a fall to lust. 
But it was a fall, and it's was because i spent too much time with a friend that isn't religious.
I guess it's time i tell my friend that i don't watch movies anymore; i can assume he will be irritated, but i think its a necessity.
Any thoughts?

A thought that i shared with my accountability partner,

On why marriage is not a cure for porn addiction.
  The loneliness issue,
it could be that our loneliness is related to why we seek out porn.
However, a long term relationship is not the cure for loneliness; one has to work had and struggle for harmony and love in marriage as well.
Therefore despite what american media will tell you, cloud 9 level passion does not last, and when one comes down i suppose that lust will be waiting for you.

I'm not married, so everything i just wrote was based on conjecture.
Please critique as i don't want to mislead my partner.

day 8
and for all other media day 1

gevaldigggggggggggggggggggggg!!!!!

K

U

T

G

AND HARD

WORK!!!

Eden, not only do you strike me as an honest person, but also as a thinker. You write out your thoughts beautifully here on the forum, and you present them in a way that everyone has what to gain from them. It's a pleasure reading through your posts.

I'm sure that your connection with your accountability partner has helped you in strengthening yourself on on your journey; we all have so much to learn from you.

Continue inspiring us!

2B