be holy, you bring to light some fundamental points that post-addicts must realize. I myself have gone 6 months completely clean with very few test along the way.  And after that I fell.  I have learned from my own mistakes what needs to be in place after "escaping" the claws of the y"h.  

Firstly, the fact that you were able to go back to it so quickly is a sign that your brain is not rewired.  I read that it can take up to three years to rewire ones brain.  I have learned this lesson the hard way.  My ultimate down fall came at a very similar experience as yours, where I had access to open internet suddenly one day and the curiosity got the better of me, and  I was gone.  It is then that I realized that my brain has not really been rewired, some of the associations have been suppressed all those months but have not been erased.  So the first issue is that just because one thinks he is are cured, he is not.  We should realize and understand this.

Second issue is related to the first and that is the life of a baal teshuvah is different than the life beforehand.  A few weeks ago, I was invited to a neighbor's get together for the birth of their daughter (I think it is called a simchat bat, but I am not holding in these things).  These neighbors of mine have a different level of observance of mine and their event was co-ed.  I walked in to say mazel tov, and I saw men and women intermingled throughout this house.  Besides the fact that I was mortified by the site, I realized this is not a place for me.  It wasn't that I felt aroused by being there (B"H, I have greatly worked on myself in this area over the past few years), but I felt it was not appropriate for me to enter even to just say mazel tov.  So I am sure that this neighbor of mine will be insulted or whatever, but those are the sacrifices in life.  So we need to be extremely careful what we do, where we go, etc.  As a policy I do not go to certain places.  I even stay away from shopping centers if possible.  To what extreme a person decides to take upon himself is personal.  But the point is that a baal teshuva has to make  changes to life. He cannot think that life is back to normal again.  This is a fundamental mistake I made. I felt "cured" and my guard was down and before I knew it, i slowly made its way back into me.  

Third point: We need to not only make physical changes to our lives but perhaps more importantly we need to strive for heightened levels of kedusha.  As many on this forum pointed out סור מרע is not enough, you need עשה טוב.  This means begin building ones kedusha all around.  It starts by controlling one's body, which means not only controlling the movement of our hands which by now, for some, has been second nature.  It means working on the איסור of מקשה עצמו לדעת through the mind. It means knowing how to react when it happens accidentally.  I do not want to go into detail about how to do this as not to create חלישות הדעת.  But one must realize there are איסורים involved.  Then one works on הירהורים, and it keeps going.  I wish not to elaborate any longer. But the point is to grow in ruchniyus in general and kedusha specifically. Again, this is personalized.  One may feel he wants to work on his focus on gashmiyus in general.  Everyone is different.  But the principle is the same.  But it is really what be holy summed up by stating, "what do i want out of life? to be a prisoner of my body or a servant of hashem?".  Doing this, is not only by the power of refrain, but of through the power of positive growth.

The fourth and final point I would like to comment here is a less well-known yetzer hara called the yetzer hara of milestones.  There is a catch-22 many of us here on the forum are faced with.  We all encourage ourselves to strive for the top of the ladder of 90 days.  This is great as it helps us stayed focus.  But when a person hits a milestone in life, there is little voice telling him, "you did it! great!  You are the best!  Now you could go back and do a little of that bad stuff again."  We must realize that milestones in life are not the end but rather a beginning. When a person falls from his milestone (as I did), he did not mess up the past but the potential for the future.  But the whole y"h of milestone makes us look at the past not at the future.  We hit a point and look back at our accomplishments and forget our future ahead of us.  We forget the milestone's purpose was to enable us properly for the future.

thank you yakov that was truly a great post.you really explained a lot of the thoughts that i have been having lately. our past goals and future aspirations.
  the darchei musar explains that a rusha who looks for gashmias is always mivatil what he had before and is never happy -(as was the case of haman) while a tzadik no matter what never forgets his past but always build on it for the future. like we say who is happy? the one who is happy with his lot. this really hit me hard- when it comes to this aveira , we search for new ways and things forgetting so past while being mivatel the superficial enjoyment we had before. ie no one is happy with one scene or the new gadgets we are always looking for more and the previous fades away. in torah we are always building- so i fell, get up and become better. more torah, more kedushe- trying to make that real connection. the ata in a bracha is a fully lit runway connecting us to hashem in the darkest of night! we are happy with what we have accomplished but never reject who we were yesterday because of who was have become today, we just learn from our mistakes. things take time and work and nothing is instant. but the battle must go on and your chizzuk and everyone here makes us all strive for "the real life".
p.s. as i was falling i was thinking about everyone here and that was so much important to me than my own false desires. the thought of having to face the forum the day after was overwelming.

Ykv, that was a truly amazing post, full of very important yesodot. You will help a lot of people by writing that. Thank you.

yakov- what was going thru ur mind when u walked into the house? disgust or lust? interesting how alike they sound...

ykv, that was a great post. I remember asking during my 90 days: what do I do when I get there? When I got there, I realized the answer. It is exactly as you posted. When you reach a milestone you need to keep building. After 90, the YH tried to tell me what you wrote. "Just a little to celebrate...". The illogic of it made it immediately recognizable as the YH, so I told him to get the fudge out, and he did :D
I'm glad you posted this information so clearly, as it is very important.

YKV, thank you for that post.  You make a lot of important points, two of which I must immediately take to heart.  I tend to obsess on milestones, and have to be very careful not to think I've arrived.  Closely related to that is your first point that it can take a long time for the brain to be rewired.  I strongly suspect, given the amount of time I have been immersed in my aveira, that I will need only more vigilence as I pass each milestone.  Yasher koach!

I'm a nothing. i feel like i will never be happy.i fear that i married someone that will never be able to understand my needs,and i need more.my eyes control me.i have not fallen but i feel alone again.sorry for the depressing post.

I knew I would get more posts like this today. Today has just been the worst day ever.

Did you see the announcement I made today here? Have a look

As far as your wife, Elya just sent someone an e-mail today that I think could give you some perspective... Tell me that Hashem is not thinking about you!

Here it is below (in response to someone who claims his wife is not there for him enough):

I lived with this exact situation for over 25 years. I was obsessed with sex.  I made jokes about it, innuendos, always spoke about it and manipulated my wife into being together more often than she wanted.  I asked almost every night I could. That's because love meant sex and I could never understand that sex is about mutual admiration, and it's not the most important thing in our lives.

Treat her nicely always.  Show her you can be affectionate and not expect sex.  Then the miracles will happen.  I promise.  If not, only your marriage counselor knows for sure.

Elya

be holy, firstly, your honesty with yourself is amazing.  People are often times too ashamed to admit such feelings.  For me to give advice with perhaps be insensitive as I am sure I do not understand your situation. But I, nevertheless feel your pain.  We are listening to you.  We are crying for you.  We have you with us in our prayers, and we hope Hashem helps you find for yourself a healthy path out of this. 

i'm falling. but have not fallen. purim was ok. i was looking for that high but was in the wrong company to get there. how messed up is the mind when it comes to love and affection? we can do this - we must become holy till pesach then hashem will free us! i am just feeling a little down i guess in some weird way i miss my old ways- but i know this is coming from an addict and will not give in. the high of being off the drug is over and now life seams so bland and almost boring sometime. i'm posting my thoughts because i'm sure others are also thinking this and i'm looking for help. a guttin shabbos to all!

Below are the words of a very Holy Yid. I am sure his words will give you great comfort and inspiration in these trying times.



Be Holy, this shabbos is shabbos Para.  Shabbos Parah is a time of taharah, purification.  This does not only mean purification from physical tumah but spiritual tumah (They are in fact linked as the mefarshim elaborated in the beginning of chukas).  The Haftorah is all about spiritual purification that Hashem will bring upon us.  We all have impure aspects about ourselves that we do not like.  We should daven to Hashem to remove it from our midst.  Look into yourself and ask yourself what would YOU like to remove.  Daven to Hashem on this special shabbos.  Show him you REALLY want it removed.

I would like to make a very important suggestion.  It would be advisable to learn and recite the entire haftara with either RaDaK or Metzudas (or artscroll if you need). Feel the words and cry for purity as you say it.  Upon reciting the words, "והסירותי את לב האבן מבשרכם ונתתי את לב בשר" cry yourself away.  Feel it!  Say it over and over again with sincere emotion.  Keep saying until you feel it. 

The אבן is one of the names if the Yetzer Hara as this pasuk testifies (succah 51a).  I hope at a later time to go into detail about the seven names of the yetzer hara as it will give us great insight into his seven paths that he comes against us.

Be Holy, you should have a wonderful and PURE shabbos.

After shabbos, you can begin working on internal and eternal FREEDOM that you desire so much.

be holy - i've been there - around days 65-70. i'm now in therapy again to try to find out how to 'have a more satisfying meaningful' life and NOT a sensual, exciting, pleasure-for-a-second stimulating life.rabbi twerski's answer to me on that day was the 'religious' answer. but there's also an emotional component - which is of course also a religious answer. but rabbi twerski is really the only (that's a lie - i dont really know if he's the ONLY) orthodox rabbi who looks at the emotional/psychological side to a person's life, and how it contributes to his 'religious' life. jack

See these links:
www.guardureyes.com/GUE/FAQ/FAQ36.asp
www.guardureyes.com/GUE/RTwerski/Void.asp

Be Holy, I thought this might be interesting for you...

Rabbi Moss from Australia

Question of the Week:

I am open to being set up with girls and have been on a few blind dates. But it's going nowhere. I'm just not attracted to the girls I'm set up with. Are there no good-looking girls around?

Answer:

You remind me of an old friend of mine. A few years back we were walking down a main street in Brooklyn talking about the dating scene. He complained, "Every girl I am set up with I find unattractive."

Then he nodded towards a girl across the road and said, "Why can't someone introduce me to someone like her?"

At that moment the girl crossed the street and walked straight past us.

"Oh," my friend whispered, "I did go out with her!"

We can be so kind in our judgment of strangers on the street, while being so harsh on the person we are dating. If she doesn't knock our socks off with her dazzling beauty, then we go into ultra-critic mode, waiting to pounce on any little flaw that we can find and say, "She's not for me."

I'm sure you have had the experience of meeting someone who at first didn't seem attractive, but as their personality unfolded their beauty emerged and you became attracted. Equally, we have all met someone who at first struck you by their beauty, but as you got to know them better an ugly side of their personality surfaces, and their beauty is soured.

A person is a multi-layered being, a soul as well as a body. These layers overlap and influence each other. An inner charm can spill over into outer beauty. An attractive inside makes someone more attractive on the outside too. Allow someone to share their whole being and you may surprise yourself and find that a deeper attraction develops after all.

Of course you need to be attracted to your wife. But she doesn't have to knock your socks off. (And by the way, she doesn't have to pick them up after you either). Better find someone who leaves your socks right where they are, but draws your heart closer and closer as her inner self is revealed.

View your date as a soul, not just a body. Then you will find beauty is not to be found across the street, but sitting right in front of you.

Good Shabbos,
Rabbi Moss

To subscribe email rabbimoss@nefesh.com.au

Thank GUE!! That was a great read.

Excellent! Excellent! Thank-you!