1. there are no DEAD batteries, only powerless ones

2. you count the steps going to the second floor and there are only 11 steps. You call a contractor...

3. You kid runs in saying he fell, you say "fell shmell"

4. You tell your friend that you called because you 'Just wanted to say hi' and hang up

5. sometimes you feel that now you are 'Just Having Fun'

6. every Gerrer chusid gets surreptitious looks, 'maybe he is the heiliger Guard'...

7. when you meet someone new you tell them "hi and welcome, you should be getting the official welcome package soon..."

8. passing roadkill is a meaningful experience

9. if someone says the Bardichever lived 200 years ago, you say 'nuh uh, he lives in Kentucky and drives a big truck and sells ice cream

10. you are at a bris and you hear the baby is named 'Dov' and you go over to the baal simcha and say that is a beautiful name, he asks "why so?" and you say ummmm, well you see, it's a long story, not for now and change the subject

11. you go in to meet an adam gadol and he asks you how things are going, you say "Baruch HaTatty"

12. you are at the grocery and you stop at the 7up and start grinning

carry on folks, if we get to 90 then we can be on the chart

13. you keep wanting to borrow your kid's tricycle

14. you visit the Grand Canyon and while standing at the edge you tell your wife, 'you know, i don't care which lav suicide is, i don't want to do it for other reasons'

15. you go to a boxing match and you keep yelling 'surrender to win!'

16. you are listening to the radio and they say 'now a word from our sponsor' and you wonder what their addiction is

17. If you substitute 'Keep on Truckin' for 'Yasher Koach'

18. If you walk out in a huff from any simcha where Woodford isn't served

19. If you ask Kraus for the super-possum Zanvil Shtreimel

20. If you check the name badges of the hospital orderlies for the name 'Khalid'

21. When you start calling your friend "Hershel" Harry

22. when you start trying to go back and modify something you just said and look for the 'modify' button

23. when you frantically search for the pictures of Amadinnerjacket in the Hamelech megila

24. on Shabbos at shul when all the gabbaim are away you volunteer to stand in because you are the filter gabbai

25. in the mikva someone says 'the filter is off' and you run out like a man possessed

26. Instead of saying "I've got to get to the bottom of this," you say "I've got to hit bottom while still on top."

27. If you're hearing a shiur on the issur of looking at women, you ask "Where does the the "Three second rule" fit into this discussion?"

Kedusha wrote on 07 Mar 2011 19:38:


;D ;D ;D
Best one so Far!!

28. If u see billy's half sister

Just say:
She may be a problem. But she is not MY problem

29. terra cotta garden accessories make you smile because 'cotta' is almost like KOT

30. you submit your proposal with the words last edit: by Kedusha on Mar. 7, 2011 at 2:37pm proudly displayed across the bottom

[Moderator's note:  ;)]

31. you go over to  K-9 police units and ask if they are really the filter gabbai

32. at a wedding if you need something from the other side of the mechitza you start looking for some 7up

33. you only use law firms that advertise about how they cover 'slips and falls'

34. you only use Right Guard

ou were doing fine until 29, you should have stopped there. You definately didn't need to include #30.

you would probably display it across the top...
you know how it is, you can't please everybody
i will put a new one up just for you

35. Me3 submits proposals with the words last edit: by Kedusha on Mar. 7, 2011 at 2:37pm proudly displayed across the top

ok this is not a joke

i walk into a chasunah and say

hmmmmm

who is from the forum here??

bardichev wrote on 07 Mar 2011 21:47:


Common - really?

36. When you hear the word "Kosher," you assume that Internet filters are the topic of discussion.

37. You stand in front of Buckingham palace shocked and start screaming "Hear O' Addicts Guard is the Guard, Guard is one, d'ya hear me for cryin' out loud..." until you are unceremoniously escorted away.