Make sure not to put your real name on the cover when you publish your jokebook or we'll all know who you are

simchastorah wrote on 13 Jan 2025 21:15:

Who said I didn't publish a joke book?

Anyone who figures out which joke book I published gets a free copy.

There should be a better way to start the day than by waking up in the morning.

First woman in space: "Houston, we have a problem".
"What?"
"Never mind."
"Whats the problem?"
"Nothing."
"Please tell us."
"I'm fine."

Teacher asks the class does anyone have a story with a moral. 
A boy puts up his hand
Teacher: Yes Jimmy go ahead
Jimmy: I had 6 chick eggs but only 3 of them hatched
Teacher: what's the moral of the story
Jimmy: Don't count you eggs before they hatch
Teacher: Well Done Jimmy, excellent, Does anyone else have a story with a moral, oh yes David at the back please go ahead...

David:  My grandad fought in WW2. He shot 75 German soldiers and when he ran out of bullets he killed another 20 with they bayonet.  Then then Bayonet could stuck in the last one so he killed another 20 with the butt  of his rifle.
Teacher: Sorry David, what is the moral of that story
David: NEVER EVER MESS WITH MY GRANDAD!!

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale." Intrigued, he walks in. "So what have you done with your life?" he asks the dog.
"I've led a very full life,” says the dog. I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then | served my country in iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home." The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog's owner, "Why on earth would you wart to get rid of an incredible dog like that?" The owner says, "Because he's a liar! He never did any of that!

If there was an award for laziness I'd
probably send somebody else to pick it up for me.

Well said.

Booze is the answer, but now I can't remember the question.

Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That’s so cute!
Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn’t sure when she was gave me the mirror. I mean, you don’t think it’s too fluffy looking?
Woman 1: Oh no! No, it’s perfect. I’d love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I’m pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts – that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman 1: Oh – that’s funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms – see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Man 1: Haircut?
Man 2: Yeah.

Due to recent budget cuts and downsizing, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

Giving up porn is really easy.
I've done it a thousand times.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?