Going to start with all the good needles scattered throughout the haystack of the Depressed Person's Chill Spot.
Here goes.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

If a mute kid swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Man to psychiatrist: Everyone, without exception, thinks that I'm a liar.
Psychiatrist: I find that difficult to believe!

Kid calls up school principal.
Kid: "Hi, my son is sick today. He won't be able to come to school".
Principal: "Who is this?"
Kid: "It's my father".

Shampoo instructions can be really bad for folks with OCD:
Lather, Rinse, Repeat.
Uh oh.

A Stanford Medical research group advertised for participants in a
study of obsessive-compulsive disorder.
They were looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this
disorder.
The response was gratifying; they got 3,879 responses one hour after
the ad came out.
All from the same person.

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for
speeding rolled down his window.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'

An 87 year old guy gets pulled over by the cops for doing 96 in a 65MPH zone.
The 87 year old guy begs the cop to let him go before he forgets were he was heading.

SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . . Not --------- in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . .. Having a driver's license..
At age 35 success is . . . .having money.
At age 50 success is . . . Having money.
At age 70 success is . .. . Having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . .. Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . .. Not --------- in your pants.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it is physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human, because even though it is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale can not swallow a human; it is physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

Nine-year-old Robert returns from school one day filled with excitement.
"Daddy," he exclaims. "Today I was chosen to have a part in the annual school production. I will be playing the role of a Jewish husband."
"Go back to them," declares the angry father, "and tell them that you want a speaking part."

Why did God make woman last?
He didn't want someone telling him what to do.

There's a dropout named Bobby and a super genius named Greg sitting on a bench waiting on a bus. The genius gets bored, leans over to the dropout and says, "Hey, I'll tell you what, I'll ask you a question and if you don't know the answer you have to give me five bucks. If you ask me a question and I don't know the answer I have to give you 50 bucks."
The dropout says, "Alright, man."
The genius asks the dropout, "What is the Pythagorian Theory?"
The dropout replies, "I don't know." and hands the genius five bucks.
"Okay," the dropout says, "What has three legs going up a hill and four legs going down?"
The genius thinks real hard and finally gives up. He hands the dropout 50 bucks then asks, "So, what is the answer?"
The dropout says, "I don't know." and hands the genius five bucks.

A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it," I'm sorry, but my caseload is so tremendous that I'm not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. I'll have to get back to you then." He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I do for you?"
"Nothing," replied the man. "I'm here to hook up your phone."

A well known anti-Semite, walks into a bar and is about to order a drink
When he sees a guy close by with kippa, tzitzis, and payos. He doesn't have
to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish. So he shouts over to the bartender so everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that Jew over there.
Soon after the drinks have been handed out, he notices that the Jewish guy is smiling, and waves to him and says, "Thank you."
This infuriates him and in a loud voice, he once again orders drinks for
everyone except the Jew. But as before, this does not seem to worry the Jewish guy who continues to smile, and again says, "Thank you." So Peter says to the barman, "What's the matter with that Jew? I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar except him, and all he does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?
"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate...
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered..
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."
"Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.
"You'll really love my place.
"The grass is almost a foot high .

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why in the world did you buy 6 cartons of milk?!"
He replied, "They had eggs."

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice-cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa. Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born... Couldn't walk for a year.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When a chemist dies, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

The phone rings at the circus director. "Hello, I'm a talking horse and would like to appear in your circus."
"That's surely a joke," he says and hangs up. A moment later the phone rings again and he hears the same sentence. At once he hangs up. As the phone rings once more, the circus director picks up again and hears the same voice: "Please do not hang up again, it's so hard to dial the number with my hoof."

Rachel decides to do some shopping at and manages to persuade her husband Moishe to join her. After 2 hours of looking around one women's clothes store after another, Rachel suddenly realises that Moishe is no longer with her. So she calls him on his cell phone to see 'what's what.'
"So where are you?" she angrily asks Moishe. "I thought we were shopping together."
"Don't get broyges, darling," replies Moishe. "Do you remember the jewellery shop by the escalator in the middle of the mall, the one we spent time in last year and where we saw a lovely gold necklace for you but which was just a little bit too expensive for us to buy and where I said I would get it for you one day?"
"Yes, of course I do, darling" replies Rachel excitedly. "Why do you ask?"
"Well I'm in the Cafe next door to that jewellery store eating an ice cream."

Understanding Yeshiva Signs

(Please supplement)
As you all know, lawyers were invented by the Jews. After all, we were the first ones to see things in a word (or lack thereof), letter, or vowelization. In fact, those playing the "Blame the Jews Game" also decided to blame us for deforestation (that's the fact that too many trees are being cut down to make shtenders, seforim, and paper- See The Yeshiva Writing Gemach's calculation on how many trees' worth of paper is used every day by Yeshivos all over) , because we were the ones who forced them to include a 15 page legal document with everything that is sold to the public. So, an outsider who enters one of our Yeshivos may have difficulty understanding some of the signs. So this article is intended to clarify some of them.

"GEMACH"- Contrary to popular belief, this does not mean "Please Take" or even "Please Use This to Litter Our Beis Medrash". It actually means "Please Borrow", and in some cases you may have to sign the item out. And in the long run, it means "Please return, eventually". And possibly "Use only in emergencies, and provide your own non-emergencies."

"Please do not remove"- This means please do not be the one to remove the sign. Rather, wait for someone else to remove the sign, even though the sign says not to.

"Please do not bring coffee cups into the Beis Medrash under any circumstances" - I have no idea what this one means, being that I have never seen anyone doing anything different when they read this sign.


"והמבין יבין" - Self explanatory.

"Do not write on this sign" - This is לאפוקי every other sign in Yeshiva, on which you will see comments, hagaos, questions, and answers, written by all the bochurim in the Yeshiva. This notice is not always a deterrent.

"It is dangerous and a fire hazard to cook in the dormitories. Any utensils will be confiscated." - Self explanatory. A bochur is not expected to be capable of cooking without burning down the building. Therefore, if you are an exception, please hide your utensils when not using them.

Martin Lewis converts and becomes a priest.
He give his first Mass in front of a number of high ranking priests who came for the occasion. At the end of the new priest's sermon, a cardinal goes up to congratulate him. "Pastor Lewis," he said, "That was very well done, you were just perfect. But next time, please don't start your sermon with, "Fellow Goyim..."

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher.
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !!
No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge, show him your BADGE........ ! !"


A man dies and his 3 best friends, Shlomo, Patrick and Peter are looking at his body in the coffin.
Patrick says, "He was such a good friend to me that I don't want him to go to his maker empty handed." He then throws $200 in $20 bills into the coffin.
Peter says, "I agree, so I'll match that," and he also throws $200 in bills into the coffin.
Shlomo says, "What cheap-skates you both are. I'm ashamed to know you. I'm going to give him $1,000."
Shlomo then writes out a check for $1,400, throws it in and takes the $400 in change out of the coffin.

The Sunday school lesson had just finished and the rabbi asked if the children had any questions. Little David quickly raised his hand.
"Yes, David? What question would you like to ask me?"
"I have four questions to ask you, Rabbi. Is it true that after the children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, they then received the Ten Commandments?"
"Yes, David."
"And the children of Israel also defeated the Philistines?"
"Yes, David, that's also true."
"And the children of Israel also fought the Romans and fought the Egyptians and built the Temple?"
"Again you are correct, David."
"So my last question is, Rabbi, what were the grown-ups doing all this time?"

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding at the Hilton. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Lexus) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. To their surprise, there stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Although Jewish, they did not want to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, no matter what their religion. So the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their car and soon they were driving along delivering toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had a bad accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

The mind-numbing question is: Who was the survivor?
Scroll down for the answer...
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The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

Women: stop reading here. This is the end of the joke.
Men: keep on scrolling...
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So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident.

By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen.

Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage!
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

An Israeli is on vacation and is visiting a zoo in the States when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The Israeli runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
himpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the Israeli brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter says to the Israeli: 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'
The Israeli replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right..'
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'
The Israeli replies, serve in the Israeli army and I vote for the Likud.'
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the Israeli buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
RIGHT-WING ISRAELI ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.' The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued and WON!
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless,that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy
and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires.'
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

Bill Gates decides to organize an enormous session of recruitment for a chairman for Microsoft Europe. The 5,000 candidates are all assembled in a large room. One of the candidates is Maurice Cohen, a little Parisian Jewish Tunisian. Bill Gates thanks all the candidates for coming and asks that all those who do not know the programming language JAVA PLUS to rise and leave. 2,000 people rise and leave the room.
But Maurice Cohen says to himself, "I don't know this language, but vat haff I got to lose if I stay? I'll give it a try."
Bill Gates then asks all remaining candidates who have never had experience of team management of more than 100 people to rise and leave. 2,000 people rise and leave the room.
But Maurice Cohen says to himself, "Oy, I never managed anyvun but myself, but vat haff I got to lose if I stay? What can happen to me?" So he stays.
Bill Gates then asks all remaining candidates who don't have degrees in People Management to rise and leave. 500 people rise and leave the room.
But Maurice Cohen says to himself, "Oy Vay, I left school at 15 so I never vent to university, but vat haff I got to lose if I stay?" So he stays in the room.
Bill Gates finally asks all the remaining candidates who don't speak Serbo-Croat to rise and leave. 498 people rise and leave the room.
But Maurice Cohen says to himself, "Oy Vay Zmir, I don't speak Serbo-Croat, but vat the hell! Haff I got anything to lose?" So he stays in the room and finds himself alone with one other candidate - everyone else has gone.
Bill Gates joins them and says, "Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo-Croat, so I'd now like to hear you both have a little conversation in that language." Calmly, Maurice Cohen turns to the other candidate and says to him, "Ma nishtana halaila hazeh mikol halelot."
The other candidate answers, "Shebechol halelot anu ochlin hamatz umatza."


A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Dev jokes:

What is a dying programmer's last program?

Goodbye, world!

Algorithm: A word used by programmers when they don't want to explain how their code works.

Your mama's so FAT she can't save files bigger than 4GB.

A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep.
A full one, in case he gets thirsty, and an empty one, in case he doesn't.

If Bill Gates had a dime for every time Windows crashed ... Oh wait, he does.

why do python programmers wear glasses?

Because they can't C.

Today I learned that changing random stuff until your program works is "hacky" and a "bad coding practice" but if you do it fast enough it's "Machine Learning" and pays 4x your current salary.

How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. It's a hardware problem.

How do you tell HTML from HTML5?
- Try it out in Internet Explorer
- Did it work?
- No?
- It's HTML5.

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."
The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.

Q - What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?
A - A puppy stops whining after it grows up.

Q - Who was the first liberal Democrat?
A -Christopher Columbus. He left not knowing where he was going,got there not knowing where he was,left there not knowing where he'd been and did it all on borrowed money.

Q- How many liberals does it take to change a light Bulb?
A- At least ten, as they will need to have a discussion about whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb they still may not change it to keep from alienating those who might use other forms of light.

A-None. Liberals wouldn't actually change the light bulb, but they would show compassion for it by talking a lot about how terrible it is in the dark and more funding is needed to improve dim, 60 watt bulbs up to bright and productive 100 watt bulbs.




The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait."

"Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?"


Chicken Surprise

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise'.

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband.. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'

The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'

'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck

As the plane settled down at JFK airport, the voice of the Captain came on:
"Please remain seated with your seatbelt fastened until this plane is at a complete standstill and the seat belt signs have been turned off."
"To those of you standing in the aisles, we wish you a Happy Chanukah."
"To those who have remained in their seats, we wish you a Merry Christmas."

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

A kid wrote this letter:
Dear God,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other if they had their own rooms.
It works with my brother.
Larry

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted,
'Cause your feet ain't empty.'

One cratzmech, as all the goyim filed into church for services, there was a santa in full gear standing near the door. In his hands was a hat which
said CHARITY on it in
large letters.
6 feet away from him on the other side of the door, was a chossid in full gear, who likewise had a hat in his hands which said CHARITY on it.
On by one, the goyim would get to the door, look at the chossid in amazement, and drop money into the santa's hat.
Finally one man approached the chossid and explained to him gently "Sir, I respect you and your religion, but in all honesty I must tell you, if your looking for people to give you charity - this is definitely not the place!"
The chossid chuckled, turned to the santa and said "Shmeel!! Herst? Ehr zoogt far enz vee zoy tsee machin buisness!!" (Shmeel, do you hear? This guy is telling US how to do business!!) :D

An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "They're getting divorced!," she shouts. "I'll take care of this." She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says. "They're coming for Sukkos and paying their own airfares."

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up and tell me, what do you see?"
Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets around them, it's quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life."

And Holmes said: "Watson, you fool, it means that somebody stole our tent."

I can't see an end. I have no control and I don't think there's an escape. I don't even have a home anymore. Think its time for a new keyboard ⌨️ .

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Title (check one):
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42 ways to look frum:
1. Play with the beard..... The more you twirl it the better.
2. Do the 'Thumb Dip' (The lower you dip, the frummer you look).
3. Whenever quoting a Gemara in order to paskin, never quote from a Mesechta that has anything to do with the subject. For example: If the question is: What bracha do I make on Apple Sauce? Do NOT quote from Mesechta Brachos (that's too logical), quote something from Gittin. Always say, "I heard Rav Feinstein say," even if you weren't alive when he was.
4. Always quote 'The Rosh Yeshiva'. Everyone will obviously know who you're talking about.
5. Whenever you're quoting someone to prove that you are right in an argument, always quote a name that is an acronym (i. e. Rashi, Ramban, etc). You can even use your own name, it won't make a difference! Frum thinking clearly states that, "if someone is commonly referred to by an acronym, he must be right!"
6 ***DO NOT do this!!! This is NOT frumm!!!*** Bring up a siddur when called up for an aliyah, and say the brachos on the Torah from it. VERY not frumm.
7. Have tons of children.
8. When davening with a minyan, remember its very important to say out loud the first three (some hold four) words out loud, and then mumble the rest quietly.
9. "I don't hold by that Rav."
10. Always call your children by their first TWO names. i. e. Sara Yehudis, Yisroel Meyer, Pesach Yehuda, Noach Areyah, Shlomo HaMelech, etc. How many REAL frummies do you know with only one first name?
11. Put Hebrew dates on everything, and stop using civil dates altogether.
12. In the supermarket, peer into you neighbors basket and say, "You eat that type of cheese?"
13. Translate everything you say, everytime you say it. i. e. Chazal-our sages. This will demean your listener as uneducated and suggest that he can't remember the translation from one time to the next.
14. ***Do NOT do this!!! This is NOT frumm!!*** Sing that uppity NCSY benching tune.
15. Mussar is completely assur. (G-d forbid you should spiritually become closer to G-d).
16. You should not wear a tie during Shabbos Mincha.
17. Got to do that hat slanted ever so-slighty backwards thing for the full gangsta-frumma look.
18. Go 'coast to coast' without showering, changing your clothes or shaving, until you truly look like a caveman.
19. Never say "Thank You," instead say, "Shkoiyach" - Remember it's only one word.
20. Go to bars dressed in your hats and jackets, drink, stare at teenage girls, and claim do be doing kiruv.
21. When learning, make sure to have as many Sfarim open as possible. Many poskim hold you should have out: 2 Mesechtas of Gemara, a chumash, a chelek of Shulchan Oruch, a Ritva, and a sefer written by an achron that nobody knows.
22. Bow REALLY deep at the beginning of Shemona Esrei.
23. Who needs kavanah when davening? Just scrunch up your face, purse your lips, shut your eyes tight, bang one fist into your palm, and whisper the words loud enough to disturb your neighbor. Only then will Hashem hear your supplications.
24. The answer to any question: Mamash, takka, im yirtzeh hashem, bli neder, canina hora, lo aleynu, Chas v'sholom!
25. Your wife (Or you, depending on your gender), must wear a robe Shabbos night.
26. When you're engaged, you have a chiyuv to set up your friends too. You might not have anybody in mind for your friends before you're engaged, but once you are, you obtain a special power that makes it possible to sense a good shidduch when you see one.
27. Daven a really fast Shemoneh Esrei so that you can be the first one to say out loud "Ya'aleh V'yavo" for Rosh Chodesh and other such inserts for special days in the calendar in order to remind others that are davening to remember to say these special paragraphs even though they already heard the klop on the bima and even though this burst of self-righteousness may mess up their concentration.
28. Make sure to get engaged after only three dates, but make sure the baby comes no sooner and no later than nine months from the wedding.
29. Make sure to always look miserable, because G-d forbid, people might think that you are taking some form of pleasure in this world.
30. On Shabbos, take off your hat and jacket after Hamotzi and put it back on right before bentching.
31. Separate your trash for milchig and fleishig.
32. On the days when you make it to minyan, make sure that your friends who didn't, know all about it.
33. After you get engaged, married, have a kid, etc.. .go around to everyone else and say "Im yirtze hashem by you," even if they are 70 years old or under the age of 12.
34. If someone's name is "Doniel" or "Gavriel," pronounce it "gavri-kel" "doni-kel" in order that you shouldn't say G-d's name in vain.
35. Daven with your eyes closed and your finger holding open the page - DO NOT LOOK IN THE SIDDUR. IT IS VERY NOT FRUM TO HAVE TO LOOK!
36. Put mezuzas on the doors of your minivan and tell everyone "It's the latest chumrah, but most people don't follow it.
37. Ban any fiction books in your house aside from those ridiculous 'frum novels' which are neither frum nor novels.
38. Call a single man at the age of 32 a 'boy', as in "I have a wonderful *32 year old boy for you!"
39. Be extremely frightened by ANY kind of dog (even a poodle with a head the size of a golfball) and immediately cross to the street when you are within 2 miles of those beasts.
40. Dress your children in matching outfits, girls get dresses, boys get vests and pants made out of same material (i. e. purple tafeta, blue velvet, plaid wool), do this until the oldest is 19.
41. The non invitation...... Never directly invite anyone to your house for a meal. It is better to tell them to call you when they would like to come. Doing this will yotze you the mitzva of hachnasas orchim, and it puts the pressure on to the other person to call you. When they never actually call you, because for some strange reason, they didn't think that you gave them a real invitation, come over to them in shul 2 years later and ask them why they never called you. Make sure to look insulted.
42. Never wash your tallis.

yes.

My neighbor is a 90 year old with Alzheimer's, I see him every morning and he asks me If I've seen his wife.
Every day I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago.
I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question.

But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.

My parents raised me as an only child, which really annoyed my younger brother.

Thanks to gye, I turned my life around.

A complete 360.

tzaddikvikam13 wrote on 07 Jan 2025 04:36:

Im not convinced he has Alzheimers...

Speaking of Alzheimer's, someone told me he thinks he has a shtikel Alzheimer's, he remembers when and where he got married and to whom, he doesn't remember why.

I'll never forget my Granddad's last words to me just before he died. "Are you still holding the ladder?"

How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?

What do fairytales and constructive criticism have in common?