Not to brag, but I defeated my local chess champion in just 5 moves.

Finally those highschool karate lessons came in handy

tzaddikvikam13 wrote on 10 Jan 2025 07:02:

Depends if you’d get offended.

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of
natural causes.

.

Whats the difference between a wife and a cleaning lady?

I know someone who always leaves maariv after shmoneh esrei.
Lo aleinu.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a
little wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want to be with your
friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do
now.

Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things.'

While I was watching my kids one afternoon, I heard them screaming at each other at the top of their lungs, trying to outshout each other.
I quickly intervened and separated them.
I then pulled my son aside and asked him, "Chaim, why were you fighting with you're sister?"
He looks at me and answers innocently, "We weren't fighting.
"We were playing Mommy and Totty."

To the person who stole my anti-depressant pills: I hope you're happy now.

Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

What do you call 4 Mexicans in quicksand?

Quatro Sinko.

Whats worse than raining cats and dogs?

Shimon meets Levi and asks him, "Why is your nose so red?"
Levi tells him, "Because I was smelling a brose".
Shimon asks, "A brose? What's a brose? You mean a rose?
"Levi, there's no 'B' in rose!"
Levi answers, "Well there was a bee in that one."

The main function of the little toe is to make sure all the furniture in your house is in the right place.