A magician was driving down the road...
and turned into a drive way.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks

Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Get a new car for your spouse; it'll be a great trade.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.

My mind is like a steel trap: Rusty and illegal in 37 states.

Feeling tired?
There may just be too much blood in your caffeine system.

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

You have a face like a million dollars: All green and wrinkled.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.

Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.

What's the speed of dark?

I plan on living forever.
So far, so good.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

A person with dyslexia walks into a dar.

Light travels faster than sound. Thats why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

It's not hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Following the path of least resistance is what makes rivers and men crooked.

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

Most of us can keep a secret. It's the people we tell it to who can't.

I’d make a joke about vegan food, but it would be in bad taste.

What do you get if you throw a piano down a mine?

Finally figured out who Dr. Pepper is...