Every day of their vacation, these two guys rented a boat and fished. One day they caught thirty fish.
Joe said, "Moe, mark this spot so that we can come back here tomorrow!"
The next day when they were driving to rent the boat, Joe asked, "Moe, did you mark that spot?"
Moe replied, "Yep. I painted a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat!" Joe growled.
"You old fool! What if we don't get the same boat today?"

During Marine Basic Training Camp a Captain received information that the mother of one of the recruits had passed away. The Captain calls Sergeant Black into his office and tells him, "When you line up the troops this morning you need to inform Private Jones that his mother died."
"Yes Sir!" says Black. That morning as the men were lined up Black bellows out, "Hup, hey, ho, ho. Jones your mother died." Jones falls over with a heart attack.
month later the Captain calls Black into his office and says, "Black, you need to tell Private Smith his mother died. But this time use some tact. I don't want to lose another good recruit.
"Yes Sir!" Black answers.
This time when the men are lined up Black yells out, "Okay. All you men with living mothers take one step forward - NOT SO FAST, SMITH!"

A girl was driving when she saw the flash of a traffic camera. She figured that her picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though she knew that she was not speeding.
Just to be sure, she went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
Now she began to think that this was quite funny, so she drove even slower as she passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed. She tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while she rolled past at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, she got five tickets for driving without a seat belt.

A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone when it comes to pure strength.
He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workers at the job site. After several minutes of ranting, the older worker had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is and challenge me to a strength competition," he said. "I will bet an entire week's pay that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man. Let's see what you got," the young boaster replied.
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said,
"All right, hop in."

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them
suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to
be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and
follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, and then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line,
"Okay, he's dead."

A bear walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
The bartender, amazed that this bear can actually talk, gives him a beer.
The bear says, "What do I owe you?"
The bartender stops and thinks for a moment.
"Even though this bear is smart," thinks the bartender, "he probably hasn’t been in many bars."
So the bartender says, "That'll be twenty dollars."
The bear forks over the money and starts drinking his beer.
After a few minutes, the bartender can't restrain his curiosity, so he walks back over to the bear and tries to strike up a conversation.
"You know, we don't get many bears in this bar."
The bear looks up from his beer and says, "Well, at twenty bucks a beer, I'm not surprised."

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every day. One day, when he came to, he motioned her to come nearer. He whispered, eyes full of tears: "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When our house burnt down, you were there. When my health started failing, you were by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?", she gently asked.
"I think you are bad luck", he said.

Three men, an Italian, a Frenchman, and a Jew, were condemned to be executed. Their captors told them that they had the right to have a final meal before the execution. They asked the Frenchman what he wanted.
"Give me the best French wine and French bread," he requested.
So they gave it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him. Next it was the Italian's turn.
"Give me a great big plate of pasta," said the Italian.
So they brought it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him. Now it was the Jew's turn.
"I want a big bowl of strawberries, " said the Jew.
"Strawberries!!! They aren't even in season!"
"No? OK, so I'll wait..."

A black man and a white man were arguing if God was black or white.
The black insisted that God is black, while the white argued that God is white.
Finally, they made up that they would just ask him.
They scream out together, "God, are you black or white"?
A voice thunders from the heavens, "I Am what I Am".
The black man said, "You see, he's black.
The white man says, "No, he's white".
The black man says, "How do you know that he's white?"
The white man says, "Because if He were black, He would have said, 'I Is what I Is'".

I love pressing F5. It is so refreshing.

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."
The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."
The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."
Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.
The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth, then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."

@TzaddikVikam13
Yasher Koach
for your daily boosts!

TSome of history's greatest replies come from people we don't usually associate with great wit.
In the decades prior to World War II, Mohandas 'Mahatma' Gandhi led a massive campaign of civil disobedience designed to help colonial India win its independence from the British Empire. In 1931, shortly after being named Time magazine's 'Man of the Year,' Gandhi traveled to London to meet with British authorities. The entire nation was curious to learn more about this little brown man, as many called him. Constantly swarmed by press and photographers, Gandhi was peppered with questions wherever he went.
One day a reporter yelled out, What do you think of Western civilization?
It was a defining moment, and Gandhi's reply instantly transformed him from an object of curiosity into a celebrity.
In his heavy Indian accent, he answered, I think it would be a good idea.

The warden, addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot, said, I would like to know two things. First: Why did you revolt? Second: How did you get out of your cell?
One of the three men stepped forward, "Warden, we rebelled because the food is awful."
"I see. And what did you use to break the bars?", The warden asked.
Replied the spokesman, "French Toast"