i was thinking recently how i keep seeing in gye stories 

"WHEN I WAS 13"
'when i was 15' I first discovered porn,i see it over and over again,

heres my question;

 how can we build the next generation ?
what were mistakes that can be avoided ?
what advice can we offer singles in shidduchim?
what advice can we give for marriage?
what can the bnos yisorel learn?
what can be improved?   

would love to hear your thoughts?

Its fascinating how I had that exact same thought last night on the way to Maariv.
While I don't necessarily have any of the answers the one thing that I can say for sure , is that the the list of things that I always Daven for, just got a little bit longer - Please Hash-m keep my Children and the rest of Klal Yisroel from slipping into this at a young age when they have no way to help themselves.

aneinihashem wrote on 16 Jun 2023 15:37:

how can we build the next generation ?
We can't build the generation but each of us can build ourselves and our families with more love and openness. 

what were mistakes that can be avoided ?
one big mistake is not giving kids proper education on this topic and an open door to come to discuss things whenever needed

what advice can we offer singles in shidduchim?
Be honest with yourself if you're ready for shidduchim and if you're not sure, reach out for help. 
When we stray after our eyes, we connect back to all the bad images of the past and thereby reawaken unrealistic expectations. But the human brain is very elastic, it quickly learns and adapts. The sooner we learn to guard our eyes properly, the quicker the fantasies and expectations from the past will fade away.

what advice can we give for marriage?
Our job in life is to learn how to change our motivations and switch over from selfish inward thinking to outward thinking. We need to learn to develop a real love and concern for the other person, a love built on giving.

what can the bnos yisorel learn?
I'll focus on the men's side... 

what can be improved?   
is this still a question??

I think 99.9% of people will say sexual education can help, I would also say we should start our homes initially with a healthy relationship with technology, because technology is not going anywhere, and we have to have a healthy relationship with it filters, not getting addicted to it,
A lot has to do with the way we as parents handle stress when stress comes up, do we run away or do we embrace it?

another question I was asking is if The topic of “ what to do if/when you catch your husband, watching porn,” should that be included as a standard in every kallah class?
would it help the marriages in terms of having someone he can speak to and it may help a woman understand a man’s sexual needs a little better? Or will it just make the woman scared? 

Philosophizin' beats workin' any day of the week!

[Wonder if Grant will put that in his rantin's.]

cordnoy wrote on 16 Jun 2023 16:36:

This may actually be the most important one liner on this site...

Great topic.

Generalized education for all adults in the community that at minimum they need to filter their internet.  No kid growing up in a shomer shabbos household should find this stuff accidentally.  It needs to be mentioned somewhat regularly as a basic halacha, not just a chumra.  Obviously, limiting screen time for kids in general will help as well.

The topic needs to absolutley be addressed very directly in chassan/kallah classes as well.  Don't ask the chassan if he has problems in this area - he won't admit to it.  Just state matter of factly that a lot of bochurim struggle with this area and believe that once they get married, these problems will end.  If I now strugge to not masturbate for long periods, it will be easier when married because I can have real sex and at most will only have to abstain for a 12 day niddah period each month.

These problems don't end simply by getting married, you have to do something about it. The Yetzer Hara changes.  So if a bachur can keep it clean for 20 days (but not 30), the Yetzer hara will increase during your married times to make that even hard to deal with.  Reiterate filters, reiterate turning away from looking at women on the street, and how to behave with you kallah both during tuma and tahora times.  Many of those who struggle as bochurim are at a good point for wanting to not bring their porn/masturbation habits into their marriage so they are probably more willing to hear the message at this time, even if they could not come to stop before hand.  Obviously, the earlier the better, but the need to safeguard your home is probably best heard at this time when the are willing to make their efforts.  [Even reluctant bochurim who keep some type of porn habit are likely to come to terms with it at this time if they are truly aware of how addictive this is.]

The kallahs need to hear similar messages.  All guys will have these urges and filtering the internet in their married homes is going to be absolutely necessary.  THe need for all types of safeguards is also imperative.  Women aren't really aware of how men react here, and they bleive that these problems won't affect their ben-torah chassan who is so careful wth learning, davening, etc.  It really can affect any one of us.

It is unfortunate that porn/masturbation is viewed as normal, especially for teenagers, in the culture at large.  It is so easy for this stuff to be truly addictive and efforts to combat the problem have to be addressed early on.

@mrsman i agree with you 1000% that kallahs should be taught what to do if you catch husband and how to react and support him. 
(yes the wives can be upset an hurt. 1000% valid, no its not ok for a guy to watch p&m) but the kallah classes approach is only about niddah and not being nervous for intimacy and wedding night,(which is of course important) instead of teaching how to protect themselves  teach how to be more of a giver, and how to step up to the plate when needed  of course everything in a normal and healthy balanced way. but they would never tell them that their husband may make a mistake  because it would scare them, 

Of course.



And the other point is that the kallahs should understand the need to filter the internet devices as soon as they are married.  There are far fewer females who would be attracted to this stuff (not non-zero, I'm aware there is also a women's forum), and many wouldn't even contemplate the need to pay for a good filtering service.  They think "I'm not interested in this and my chassan would not be interested in this, why should I pay for this extra service when neither of us go on those terrrible sites."  It is certainly faulty thinking.



The chassan and kallah classes are good opportunities for people to be reintroduced to sexuality issues that many may not be aware of as no parent or rebbe has ever discussed these issues in detail in high school or yeshiva.  The full gamut of issues should be discussed as these people are now going to face sexuality soon and they all have to hear the importance of dealing with these issues, as they do come up far more frequently than people are willing to admit.

aneinihashem wrote on 01 Sep 2023 15:27:

ummmm..... no.