Jewish Humor
10 Things Jewish Men Know About Women
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A Serious Mistake
It seems that a Shlomo who volunteered for military service during World
War II had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to
Pensacola Air Base skipping boot camp. The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific. On his first day aboard he took off and single - handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeros. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft. he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down, too. Noting that his fuel was getting low, Shlomo descended, circled the air craft carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck. He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain. Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"
The captain turned around, bowed, and replied, "Vel You make one veelly
impartantt mistake!"......
Forget Something?
An older Jewish couple, Yaakov and Rivkah, decided that their memory was so bad that they would have to start writing things down in order to
remember them. One evening, Yaakov got up from studying and said to Rivkah was going to the kitchen and asked, "would you like anything while I'm there?"
Rivkah said, "Yes,...some ice cream." As Yaakov set off she said, "Write it down."
Yaakov shouted back as he was walking away, "I can remember ice cream."
Rivkah shouted, "I want strawberries on my ice cream... Write it down"
Yaakov kindly turning around said, "I can remember ice cream with strawberries."
Rivkah added, "But I also want whipped cream on the strawberries on top of the ice cream."
Yaakov took off without writing it down. He was gone for a while and when he came back, he was carrying a plate of roast beef and Mayo.
Rivkah says, "Now see what you've done? You forgot the toast!?"
Jewish Information Technology vs Jewish Business Technology
A Dovid, a Jewish Balloonist, is flying in his hot air balloon as he realizes he is lost. So Dovid reduces his balloon height . He spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says, "Yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet
above this field."
"You must work in Jewish Information Technology," Dovid responds.
"I do," replies the man. My name is Shlomo. I'm the head of that department. "How did you know?"
"Well," says Dovid, "Shlomo everything you said is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."
Then Shlomo says, "you must work in Jewish Business Technology."
"I do," replies Dovid, I'm the head of Jewish Business technology. "but how did you know?"
"Well," says Shlomo, "you don't know where you are, or where you're
going, but you expect me to be able to help you. You're in the same
position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
Creation of Yisroel
On the sixth day G-d turned to the Gabriel and said:
"Today I am going to create a land called Yisroel, it will be a land of
outstanding natural beauty. It shall have rolling hills and mountains full
of mountain goats, and eagles, beautiful sparkling clear ocean with wonderful abundance of sea life and high cliffs over-looking white sandy beaches with an."
G-d continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so as to make the
inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Yidden, and they
shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."
" asked Gabriel kindly interrupted, "But.. but.. don't.. don't you think you are being too generous to these Yidden?"
"Not really," replied G-d "just wait and see the neighbors I am going to
give them."
Your Husband, Yaakov's Needs Rest!
Sarah accompanied her husband Yaakov to the doctor's office. After Yaakov's checkup, the doctor called Sarah into his office alone.
He said, "Yaakov is suffering from a very severe disease, combined
with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, he will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly. make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim." If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think Yaakov will regain his health completely.
On the way home, Yaakov asked Sarah. "What did the doctor say?"
Sarah replied, "You're going to die,".
Another Twist To The Funeral Envelope Joke
An elderly gentleman, Binyomin Gold, quite well to do, realized that his life was turning down the final stretch, so he summoned the three friends that he trusted the most for some advice: one was a doctor Yaakov Stein, one a priest, Father O'Mally, and one an attorney Benny Green. "I've been thinking lately," he said to them, "that perhaps there is something to the ancient Egyptian belief that when we die, we take some things with us to the next world. So, I'm giving each of you an envelope with $1 million in it. At my funeral, I ask each of you to slip it into my casket so that I can use it on my journey to the next world."
They agreed.
A few weeks later, he died. At the funeral, each of the three went up to the casket, and each placed an envelope into the casket. Afterwards, the three were talking. Dr. Stein couldn't keep it in any longer. "I have a confession," he said. "This year has been quite bad for the clinic. My CAT scan machine broke, and I had to scrape to replace it. I took $800,000 out of the envelope to pay for it in the memory of Mr. gold, may he rest in peace.
Father O'Mally cringed, then added, "I must also confess. The contributions to the poor have been especially bad this year, and to provide them with food, I took $120,000 out and used it to feed and clothe them in his memory, G-d rest his soul."
Well Mr. Green was beside himself. "I am disgusted with the two of you. Our friend asked but one thing of us. He trusted us with his last request. How could you two break that trust and go against his wishes?"
Dr. Stein replies, "You expect us to believe that you, an attorney, of all people, didn't take anything out of your envelope?"
"I would never!" replied Mr. Green.
"In that envelope was a personal check for the FULL amount! signed by me!"
Baseball Fans In Heaven
Two buddies Yitzchok and Shmul were two of the biggest baseball fans in
America.
During their entire adult lives, they discussed baseball history in
the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season.
They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first
would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in
heaven.
One summer night, Yitzchok passed away in his sleep after watching the
Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights
later, his best buddy Shmul awoke to the sound of his voice from beyond.
"Yitzchok is that you?" Shmul asked.
"Of course it me," Yitzchok replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Shuml exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball
in heaven?"
"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you
want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first." said Shuml
"Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven," said Yitzchok.
"Oh, that is wonderful!" exclamed Shul. "So what could possibly be the bad news?"
"You're pitching tomorrow night."
MEIN FRUM ZAYDA
My Zayda was a very religious man. davened 3 timed a day. Laid taphillian
every day of his life ..
Well one night he heard a noise downstairs so he went down the stairs to
check it out..
He saw a burgler putting silverware in a big sack. Very
angry he approached the burglar..The burglar seeing my Zayda reached into the
sack, pulled out a knife and was about to stab my Zayda..
All of a sudden my Zayda screamed out "nisht mit the milichdic messer" (not
with the dairy knife)
The Perfect Rabbi
The results of a computerized survey indicate the perfect Rabbi preaches exactly fifteen minutes. He condemns sins but never upsets anyone. He works from 8:00 am until midnight and is also a janitor. He makes $50 a week, wears good clothes, buys good books, drives a good car, and gives about $50 weekly to the poor. He is 28 years old and has preached 30 years. He has a burning desire to work with teenagers and spends all of his time with senior citizens. The perfect Rabbi smiles all the time with a straight face because he has a sense of humor that keeps him seriously dedicated to his work. He makes 15 calls daily
on congregation families, shut-ins and the hospitalized, and is always in his office when needed.
A Change In Name
Yaakov was the oldest of 7 children, so he had to quit school and work to help support his younger brothers and sisters. He never learned to read. So, when he married and started a checking account, he signed his checks just, "XX".
He started his own business, which soon prospered. He soon was a very rich man. One day, he got a call from his bank. "Yaakov, I wanted to ask you about this check. We weren't sure you had really signed it. All these years, you've been signing your checks, 'XX'; this one is signed with three X's..."
Yaakov answered, "Since I've become so wealthy, my wife thought I ought to have a middle name!"
How Many Kosher Cookies Can You Eat?
A Schmulik from Chelm visited another town. A local man asked him: "How many cookies can you eat on an empty stomach?"
The Schmulik replied, "Oh, about five..."
The local guy replied, "No, you're wrong! You can only eat one. After that you stomach's not empty anymore!!"
The Schmulik returned to Chelm and asked Moshe, "How many cookies can you eat on an empty stomach?"
Moshe answered, "Two."
Schmulik told him, "It's too bad. If you had said, 'five', I would have had a great joke for you."
One Dollar
A one dollar bill met his old friend the 20 dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."
The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"
The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff, contribution to Shul pushke, contribution to church, congribution to 15th street beggar, pushke, 17th Ave acordian player, pushke..."
The Golden Cow
Shlomo came to Chelm with his very old skinny cow. The mayor of Chelm insisted he stay in his home during his visit. He made room in his barn for Shlomo's cow. Yaakov was a little worried about being in a strange town so he hid his gold in the straw close to his cow.
The next morning, the mayor walked into the barn to care for his animals. He noticed the gold in the straw. He figured out that this cow, unlike all other cows, gave gold instead of milk. He was very excited!! He called a special meeting of the Chelm Town Council and insisted that they buy the cow from the Shlomo. They collected money from all the citizens in town.
The mayor asked Shlomo if he would be willing to sell the cow. He offered double the usual price for a good milk cow. Shlomo started to protest that the cow wasn't worth that much, but the mayor misunderstood and increased his offer. The more the stranger protested, the more the mayor offered. Finally Shlomo agreed to sell.
The mayor gave the scrawny cow the best stall in his barn. He fed her the very best feed in town. The next morning, the mayor approached the cow to milk her. As he started, he was very surprised to find that the cow gave...milk! And not even very good milk!!
The mayor was annoyed. Shlomo had sold him a cow that gave gold, but all he had gotten was milk! He reported back to the Town Council. They were angry. When they told the townspeople, everyone was furious! They decided to track down Shlomo to recover their money.
They found the Shlomo in the next town. With everyone yelling at him all at once, he had no idea what was going on, but eventually, he figured it out. He turned to the mayor and asked, "Did you feed the cow?"
The mayor answered, "Of course we fed the cow! Do you think we don't know how to care for a cow?!!"
Shlomo answered, "Did you ever have a cow that gave gold before? Didn't you notice how scrawny she was when I came into town? There's only one way to get her to give gold... You have to stop feeding her! But, it took me weeks to teach her to not eat. This is what you have to do. Every day, feed her a little less. At the end of three weeks, you should be able to cut her down to eating nothing. The next day, milk her, and she will give gold again."
The Chelmites look at Shlomo, embarrassed about their previous anger. They return to Chelm and start the feeding regimen that shlom suggested. The cow got skinnier and skinnier, and the mayor of Chelm was very pleased. Until, one morning, on the very first day she would have gotten no food, the cow was found dead in her stall.
The people of Chelm were, of course, very disappointed. But they always looked back nostalgically on the day when, if only their cow hadn't died, they would have been the richest town in Poland...
It's Thursday
A rabbi, a priest, and a minister were talking one day. The priest told of an occasion when he was caught in a snowstorm so terrible that he couldn't see a foot in front of him. He was completely confused, unsure even of which direction he needed to walk. He prayed to G-d, and miraculously, while the storm continued for miles in every direction, he could clearly see his home 20 feet away.
The minister told a similar story. He had been out on a small boat when a hurricane struck. There were 40-foot high waves, and the boat was sure to capsize. He prayed to G-d, and, while the storm continued all around, for several feet in each direction, the sea calmed, and the minister was able to return safely to port.
The rabbi, too, had such a story. One Shabbos morning, on the way home from the shul, he saw a very thick wad of $100 bills lying on the sidewalk. Of course, since it was Shabbos, the rabbi wasn't able to touch the money. So he prayed to G-d, and everywhere, for miles in every direction, it was still Shabbat, but for 10 feet around him, it was Thursday.
