Presenting GYE's official happy pick-me-up thread!!!!!  

Pictures that will make you smile ;D and laugh  :D        

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Some funny quotes    

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh man....I could be eating a slow learner."

"I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!" -Homer J. Simpson

"I do not like broccoli. And I haven't liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. And I'm President of the United States and I'm not going to eat any more broccoli." -George Bush.

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the heck she is."

"The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with."

"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.' "

"On my first day in New York a guy asked me if I knew where Central Park was. When I told him I didn't he said, 'Do you mind if I mug you here?'."

A joke    

1)A young Jewish man was visiting a psychiatrist, hoping to cure his eating and sleeping disorder. "Every thought I have turns to my mother," he told the psychiatrist. "As soon as I fall asleep and begin to dream, everyone in my dream turns into my mother. I wake up so upset that all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast."

The psychiatrist replied, "What, just one piece of toast for a big boy like you?"


Feel free to add anything that will pick the oylam up!

Check this thread out
Mostly frum jokes,if you're into that kind o' stuff

rehab-my-site.com/guardureyes/forum/index.php?topic=565.0

uri!
i think this one wins best thread!
you're amazing!
i was laughing my head off from that pidgion! ;D

Cant beat this site
www.despair.com

Check out the demotivator posters!

My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

The statement below is true.
The statement above is false. 

Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of Woodford.

Great posts that Guard had....

In Memoriam

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.  They put his left leg in.  And then the trouble started.

I may be schizophrenic,
but at least I have each other.

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

2 The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt or a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed...Skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

These responses were given by the Kids.

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
- Alan, age 10

(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
- Kristen, age 10


WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
- Camille, age 10

(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)


HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. ..(wat a logic, future MITian)
- Derrick, age 8


WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

(1) Both don't want any more kids.
- Lori, age 8


WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
- Martin, age 10 (Who said boys do not have brains)


WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-Craig, age 9


IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)


HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

(1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
- Kelvin, age 8

Oh oh.

Me thinketh Guardeth has hijackedeth this thread :-\

A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and said, "Mummy, why is my name Petal?"  The mother replied, "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head."

The next baby walked up and asked, "Mummy, why is my name Rose?" She replied, "Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head."

The last baby walked up to her and said, "BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRASSAM TASSM POONNFFFIINRTY."

The mother replied, "Please be quiet, Refrigerator."


There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.


Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice-cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa. Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born... Couldn't walk for a year.”


A blonde, a red head and a brunette sign up with a tourist group and chartered a double-decker bus to go to London. There are only two seats left on the bottom of the bus and only one seat in the top of the bus available when they board.  They decided to take turns riding in the top and flipped a coin to see who got the first turn.  The blonde won the toss. A couple of hours later, it's the red head's turn, so she walks up the stairs… and sees the blonde sitting there scared half to death.  She's clutching the seat in front of her so hard that her knuckles are white. "What's goin' on?" the red head asks.  We're havin' a grand old time down below."  The blonde replies, "Yeah, but you've got a driver."


An elderly married couple who were childhood sweethearts and had
settled down in their old neighborhood, are celebrating their fiftieth
wedding anniversary. They walk down the street to their old school.
There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they'd shared and where he
had carved, "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, an armored car drives by and a bag of money
falls out of the armored car practically at their feet. Sally quickly
picks it up, but they don't know what to do with it so they take it
home. There, she counts the money, and it's fifty thousand dollars.
The husband says, "We've got to give it back."

She says, "Finders keepers." And she puts the money back in the bag and
hides it up in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood
looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon
me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored
car yesterday?"

She says, "No."

The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says,
"Tell us the story from the beginning."

The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school
yesterday –"

The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "Let's get out of here."


With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.
'May I see the new baby?' I asked.
'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can chat for a while first.'
Thirty minutes passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'  
'No, not yet,' she said.
After another short while had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'
'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, OKAY?!!’


To: My Bank

Dear Sirs,
One of my checks was returned marked "insufficient funds".
In view of the current developments in the banking market, I must ask of you – does that refer to me or to you?
Yours Faithfully,

John Doe


Why are New Yorkers always depressed?

The light at the end of their tunnel is New Jersey.

SHE WAS SO BLONDE...

... she tripped over a cordless phone.
... she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box
because it said "concentrate"
... she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to
make up her mind.
... she got stabbed in a shoot-out.
... she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and
"DON'T WALK".
... she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
... she sent me a fax with a stamp on it
... she tried to drown a fish.
... she thought a quarterback was a refund.
... she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
... if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get
change back.
... they had to burn the school down to get her out of 3d
grade.
... under "education" on her job application, she put
"Hooked On Phonics".
... she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
... at the bottom of the application where it says "sign
here" she put "Sagittarius".
... she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
... it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
... if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.
... she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train
... she sold the car for gas money.
... when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she
went home and got 16 friends.
... when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the
home, she moved.
... when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that
said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home.

Ok, Guard...
You got me LOLling alright!
So, this is what you're always so busy with...

An  elderly man in Miami calls  his son in New  York and  says, "I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are divorcing.  Forty-five  years of misery is enough."  "Pop,  what are you talking about?" the son screams.  "We're  sick of each other and "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,"  the old man says.  I'm  sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and  tell her too." and he hangs up.  Frantic,  the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're  getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."  She  calls her father immediately and screams at him, "You are NOT getting  divorced!  Don't  do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll  both be there tomorrow.  Until  then, don't do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs  up..  The  old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.  "Okay,"  he says, "They're both coming for Passover and  paying their own airfares."

This post is not for the women   (UNLESS THEY HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR AND CAN HANDLE IT!!)


When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

 David Bissonette


The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want?

 Dumas


I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

 Sigmund Freud


'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'

 Anonymous


'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'

Sam Kinison


'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'

 James Holt McGavra


Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

 Patrick Murra


The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....

 Nash


You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

 Anonymous


My wife and I were happy for twenty years Then we met.

 Henny Youngman


A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

 Rodney Dangerfield


A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

 Anonymous


First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

 Anonymous

Guard, we're discussing medication for problems like yours over on the depression / "Ive lost my mind" thread.

Go lie on the couch, the doctor will be in in a minute.