Trying,

your timing on that was great. I just saw some standup comedy by Chris Rock (aka the funniest man alive) about half hour lunch breaks. I can't post the link here because it's on Youtube and we all know how that goes for some here, and because he doesn't exactly use the cleanest language, but it's sorta like

  You know how you got a real bad job? When they give you that half hour lunch break.
Nothing is worse to a grown man than a half hour lunch break. It's like why don't you give me a spoon and some apple sauce while you're at it?

By the time you go to the sandwich store, wait in line, order your sandwich, then get in another line to pay for it, 28 minutes have passed.....

Did you realize that even criminals in jail get an hour lunch break?
Like can I at least eat like a murderer?

I bet if I shot yo' a** I could finish this sandwich!

Ha! Thanks, Trying! Loved the holiday greeting!

A Neutron goes into a bar, and asks, "hey, how much for a beer?"

The Bartender says, "for you, no charge."

Bruce, glad u enjoyed. Don reely enjoy chris rok..he doesn have anythin to himself(if anything,chris tucker..)

Richard Pryor.

But he's dead. I said funniest comedian alive.

Ever see his standup where he talks about how the first black president will be too proud for Secret Service and will carry his own gun?

I guess Barak Hussein Obama didn't......

The South - You Gotta Love It



    Alabama
A group of   Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.  That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck."Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind.  He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter.  "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"


 

 Louisiana
A senior at   Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in   Louisiana ." When asked why, he replied, "He'd rather be in   Louisiana because everything happens in   Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world."



 Mississippi
The young man from   Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."



 North Carolina
A man in   North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.  Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back.  He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back.  I never did understand it neither."



 Tennessee
A   Tennessee   State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.  The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, "Bout whut?"



 Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.

The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch?  Don't you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep", he replied.  "That's why I dumpin it here, cause it says:  'Fine For Dumping Garbage'.."




You can say what you want about the South,
But you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North

Am i smelling an "IM BACK" by Uri?? Is my nose playing tricks on me??

Dedicated to Rage's nuns..


An old Jewish lady is sitting in a restaurant sipping tea.  At the next table there are 3 nuns discussing where to go for a vacation.  The 2nd nun says to Mother Superior "Let's go to Jerusalem."  Mother Superior says "No, too many Jews there."  The 3rd nun says to Mother Superior let's go to New York.  Mother Superior says "No, too many Jews there."  The 2nd nun again speaks and says let's go to Los Angeles.  Mother Superior says "No, too many Jews there."  The little Jewish old lady leans over and says with a Yiddish Accent:  "Vell, vhy don't you go to hell, there are no Jews there!!!

(guess they x spotted me playin chess wit uri in a corner someplace.. )

Classroom Humor

A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class. She presented each child in her class the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.
The insight of first graders may surprise you. Keep in mind that these are 6-year-olds and therefore innocent & honest. How soon they learn - and they learn from us.
1. Don't change horses ... until they stop running.

2. Strike while the ... bug is close.

3. It's always darkest before ... Daylight Saving Time.

4. Never underestimate the power of ... termites.

5. You can lead a horse to water but ... how?

6. Don't bite the hand that ... looks dirty.

7. No news is ... impossible.

8. A miss is as good as a ... Mr.

9. You can't teach an old dog new ... math

10. If you lie down with dogs you'll ... stink in the morning.

11. Love all, trust ... me.

12. The pen is mightier than the ... pig.

13. An idle mind is ... the best way to relax.

14. Where there's smoke there's ... pollution.

15. Happy the bride who ... gets all the presents.

16. A penny saved is ... not much.

17. Two's company, three's ... the Musketeers.

18. Don't put off till tomorrow what ... you put on to go to bed.

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry ... and you have to blow your nose.

20. There are none so blind as ... Stevie Wonder.

21. Children should be seen and not ... spanked or grounded.

22. If at first you don't succeed ... get new batteries.

23. You get out of something only what you ... see in the picture on the picture box.

24. Better late ... than pregnant!

These are reputedly real answers to questions on science tests.


When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

Water is composed of two gins, oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state.

When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.

Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.

Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

For fainting: Rub the person's chest, or, if it's a lady, rub her arm above the hand. Or put her head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.

Equator: a menagerie lion running around Earth through Africa.

Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot.

The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is so that there is something to hitch the meat to.

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain. The borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - A, E, I, O, and U.

lol!
the last two posts were hysterical chazzak.
thanks!

habib613 wrote on 22 Dec 2009 06:03:


Thank you so much. My pleasure. And thanks to all the closet comedians on this site.

7Up wrote on 01 Oct 2009 21:59:


You're worried about the Guard? What about the poor souls who dare to read these? If you don't have
any stomach disorders AND you fasted a couple days first, it might be safe. Otherwise....

And make sure you don't look at his avatar right after reading one.....


Dear Guard shlitoh,

Rachmonus!  Some of us do not have carpeting on the floor!

Not to mention the cost these days of going to an E.R. for stitches!!!

Letters from Little Girls to God


Dear God,
Thank you for the baby brother, but I prayed for a puppy.
Joyce

Dear God,
My father told me about being born, but that doesn't sound right. He was
kidding, right?
Marsha

Dear God,
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
Norma

Dear God,
Did you really mean, "Do unto others as they do unto you?" Because if you
did, then I'm going to fix my brother!
Darla

Dear God,
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday School they said you did it.
So I bet he stole your idea.
Sincerely,
Donna

Dear God,
I bet it is very hard for you to love all of the people in the whole world.
There are only four people in our whole family and I can never do it.
Nan

Dear God,
If we come back as something else, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton
because I hate her.
Love,
Denise

Dear God,
In Bible times did they really talk that fancy?
Jennifer

Dear God,
What does it mean you are a jealous God? I thought you had everything.
Jane

Dear God,
It rained for our whole vacation and my father was mad! He said some things
about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you won't hurt him
anyway.
Your friend (I'm not going to tell You my name.)

Letters from Little Boys to God


Dear God,
Why is Sunday School on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of
rest.
Tom L.

Dear God,
I went to this wedding on Sunday and they kissed right in the church! Is that O.K.?
Neil

Dear God,
If you watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show you my new shoes.
Mickey D.

Dear God,
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.
Bruce

Dear God,
If you give me a genie lamp like in Aladdin, I will give you anything you
want, except my money or my chess set.
Raphael

Dear God,
Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing
good in there now.
Greg

Dear God,
Please send Dennis Clark to another camp this summer.
Peter

Dear God,
You don't have to worry about me. I look both ways.
Dean

Dear God,
Are you really invisible or is that just a trick?
Doug

Dear God,
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair.
Sam

Dear God,
I am American. What are you?
Robert

Dear God,
If you didn't let the dinosaur become extinct, we wouldn't have this
country. You did the right thing.
Jonathan

Dear God,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other if they had their own rooms.
It works with my brother.
Larry

Dear God,
I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want you to know
that I am not saying that because you are God already.
Charles

Dear God,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on
Thursday. That was cool!
Eugene

7 reasons not to mess with children.


A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically i mpossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.


A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'


A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'


One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'


The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'


A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted,
'Cause your feet ain't empty.'


The children were lined up in the cafeteria of an elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The teacher made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'
It doesn't matter how many people you send this to, just remember if it made you laugh, your friends will laugh too.





Smile, and the world smiles with you!