Rage ATM wrote on 27 Nov 2009 03:41:


She's the one who poisoned Snow White :o :o :o

Don't get me started on Hillary, (N)Obama, etc. etc.


I guarantee you I am among the most conservative on this here forum.

still can't believe you're really liberal rage. _{They're all stupid}
Or is it just the part of you that likes to be different no matter what it takes? 

That is NOT what today's liberals think. You're thinkin like a republican, man.  :)The democratic party is all for big government and huge spending and telling u what to do with our money...

Q – What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?
A -A puppy stops whining after it grows up.

Q – Who was the first liberal Democrat?
A -Christopher Columbus. He left not knowing where he was going,got there not knowing where he was,left there not knowing where he’d been and did it all on borrowed money.

Q- How many liberals does it take to change a light Bulb?
A- At least ten, as they will need to have a discussion about whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb they still may not change it to keep from alienating those who might use other forms of light.

A-None. Liberals wouldn’t actually change the light bulb, but they would show compassion for it by talking a lot about how terrible it is in the dark and more funding is needed to improve dim, 60 watt bulbs up to bright and productive 100 watt bulbs.

A- Let George Bush fix it! It’s his fault it’s dark anyway!

Q: How do you confuse a liberal?
A: You don’t, they are born that way

Q: If Hillary, Bill,obama and all the liberals are on a sinking ship, who gets saved?
A: We do.

Q: How much does a Liberal cost?
A: Nothing, Liberals have no values.

sorry...
i saw this and couldn't resist...

New Tuesday Evening Classes for Men

All are welcome - Open to men only

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants.  The course lasts for 4 weeks and topics covered in this course include:
Week One of Evening Classes for Men

1) TOILET ROLLS - DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?

Roundtable discussion

2) DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKETS AND FLOOR

Practising with hamper (pictures and graphics)

3) DISHES & CUTLERY;
DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?

Debate among a panel of experts

4) HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS

Step by step guide with slide presentation

5) LOSS OF VIRILITY

Losing the remote control to your significant other

- Help line and support groups

6) LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS

Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming

- Open forum

Week Two - Evening Classes for Men

7) EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?

Group discussion and role play

8) HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH

PowerPoint Presentation

9) REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST

Real life testimonial from the one man who did

10) IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?

Driving simulation

11) LIVING WITH ADULTS;
BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER

Online class and role playing

12) HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION Relaxation exercises,

meditation and breathing techniques

13) REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN you're GOING TO BE LATE

Bring your calendar or PDA to class

14) GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME

Individual counsellors available
Δ
Week 3 Evening Classes for Men - Repeat of  week 1
Week 4 Evening Classes for Men - Repeat of week 2

   בעהי"ת

   Yonaty and Mehadrin Min Hamehadrin Min Hamehadrin are pleased to introduce:

   The Chumra of the Week Club

   • Are you concerned that people don't notice and appreciate your yiras shomayim?
   • Do you sometimes get the feeling that your neighbor is observing more chumras than you?
   • Have you ever noticed someone looking at your tefillin during shacharis as though there were something wrong with them?
   • Do people occasionally hesitate when you extend them an invitation to eat at your home, or ask what hashgachos you rely on?
   • Has anyone ever said to you in surprise: "Oh, are you maikel?"

   If you have ever been faced by any of these mortifying scenarios, The Chumra of the Week Club (CWC) is for you!

   CWC is a new concept in real, authentic, ostentatous Yiddishkeit. Never again will you be upstaged! Never again will you be at a loss for a chumra! We supply you weekly with the very best in conspicuous yiras shomayim! (Please note that due to lack of demand for "bein adam l'chaveyro" chumras, all CWC chumras are "bein adam lamakom".)
   Special Introductory Offer (limited time only): Join now and immediately receive three free chumras from our database (from the categories of your choice) as our introductory gift to you. Thereafter, each Friday you will receive full source material for a new, exciting, additional chumra which you can immediately put into use. Within a short time you will have amassed a chumra list that will amaze your friends and make you the envy of your kollel or shul.
   Guarantee: We absolutely GUARANTEE all our chumras to be of the highest quality! Our full-time staff is busy combing the Bar Ilan CD ROM for the most obscure strictures. (Note that with Super-frum and Over-the-top membership you can receive even more obscure and personalized chumras - guaranteed to dumfound both friend and foe.)
   Return Policy: If you are not delighted with any chumra you receive from us, you may return it for exchange within 7 days of receipt - no questions asked. Simply state the reason for the return (to help us serve you better in future), and the category from which you wish to receive your replacement chumra.
   Reasons for return may include (but are not limited to):
   • You are already observing a chumra of equal or greater stringency. (Unlikely, as our chumras are hand-picked for uniqueness and stringency.)
   • You know someone who is already observing the same chumra.
   • The chumra is not noticeable enough.
   • The chumra does not inconvenience other people
   • Keeping the chumra would involve personal hardship
   Accompanying Factsheet: Our chumras come from a wide range of lesser-known achronim, including: the "Pi Ha'ason," and the "Shtus Vehevel." Each chumra comes complete with a fully annotated fact sheet that includes:
   • A photocopy of the source material
   • A list of justifications for your chumra
   • Suggestions on how to introduce the chumra into casual conversation
   • Member feedback and success stories
   Don't suffer any longer! Don't sit back as others beat you in the race to the top! Join CWC today and benefit from the special introductory offer! Start your own personal database of show-stopping chumras by completing the form overleaf and mailing it to us with your payment TODAY!
   בעהי"ת
   CWC – MEMBERSHIP APPLICATION FORM
   Please complete form and send, with your cheque, to The Chumra of the Week Club, c/o Yonaty Design and Publishing, 12/13 Shalom Bonayich, Netivot 87804, Israel.
   Title (check one):
   □ Harav
   □ Harav Hagaon
   □ Harav Hatzaddik
   □ Hagaon Hatzaddik
   □ Kvod Kodsho
   □ Moreinu Verabeinu
   □ Adoneinu Moreinu Verabeinu
   □ Hamara De'asra
   □ G'dol Hador
   □ Other (please specify): __________________
   Name ___________ ben ___________ ben ___________ ben ___________
   (You must be able to supply genealogical data for the past four generations to be eligible for CWC).
   Surname: _______________
   Address: ___________________________________________________________
   Phone: ____________ email: __________________
   MEMBERSHIP TYPE
   Indicate the level of membership you wish to purchase (check one):
   □ Regular (one new, eye-popping stringency per week - $500 p/a)
   □ Super-frum (same as Regular PLUS one super-unusual chumra every six months - $650 p/a)
   □ Over-the-top (same as Super-frum PLUS an annual chumra tailor-made for you, and guaranteed to be totally unique - $950 p/a.)
   PERSONAL INFO
   To help us custom-tailor your personal chumra selection, please circle the following, as applicable:
   1) Litvak / Chassidic / Sephardic
   2) FBB / BT
   3) Type of coat worn (check one):
   □ short - single breasted
   □ short - double-breasted
   □ knee-length - Two buttons on back? ( YES / NO )
   □ ankle-length
   □ drags on floor
   Years in kollel _______ Current occupation: _____________________________
   SPECIAL OFFER
   Yes, please rush me my three introductory chumras by return post! (Check three categories below from which you would like to receive your free chumras):
   □ Food - Fleishigs
   □ Food - Milchigs
   □ Davening
   □ Clothing
   □ Tefillin and Tzitzis
   □ Miscellaneous

(Once posted somewhere.)

Well at least we stopped the politics business.

This thread is supposed to help people avoid feeling depressed, remember?

Chazak,

I laughed so hard you almost made me drop my Shimusha Rabbah Tefillin!

On a more serious note, I have nothing against Chumros, and practice a few myself.  However, much more important than Chumros is to follow the Shulchan Aruch, especially in areas of Halacha that make up the entire foundation of our Yiddishkeit.  Once we've done that, any Chumros are icing on the cake.

    Subject: 60 ways to appear frummer

    1. Shave your wife's Head.
   
    2. Play with the beard..... The more you twirl it the better.
   
    3. Do the 'Thumb Dip' (The lower you dip, the frummer you look).
   
    4. Whenever quoting a Gemara in order to paskin, never quote from a Mesechta that has anything to do with the subject. For example: If the question is: What bracha do I make on Apple Sauce? Do NOT quote from Mesechta Brachos (that?s too logical), quote something from Gittin! Always say, "I heard Rav Feinstein say," even if you weren't alive when he was.
   
    5. Always quote 'The Rosh Yeshiva'. Everyone will obviously know who you're talking about!
   
    6. Whenever you're quoting someone to prove that you are right in an argument, always quote a name that is an acronym (i. e. Rashi, Ramban, etc). Heck, you can even use your own name, it won't make a difference! Frum thinking clearly states that, "if someone is commonly referred to by an acronym, he must be right!"
   
    7 ***DO NOT do this!!! This is NOT frumm!!!*** Bring up a siddur when called up for an aliyah, and say the brachos on the Torah from it. VERY not frumm.
   
    8. Have tons of children.
   
    9. When davening with a minyan, remember its very important to say out loud the first three (some hold four) words out loud, and then mumble the rest quietly.
   
    10. "I don't hold by that Rav."
   
    11. Always call your children by their first TWO names. i. e. Sara Yehudis, Yisroel Meyer, Pesach Yehuda, Noach Areyah, Shlomo HaMelech, etc. How many REAL frummies do you know with only one first name?
   
    12. Put Hebrew dates on everything, and stop using civil dates altogether.
   
    13. In the supermarket, peer into you neighbors basket and say, "You eat that type of cheese?"
   
    14. Translate everything you say, everytime you say it. i. e. Chazal-our sages. This will demean your listener as uneducated and suggest that he can't remember the translation from one time to the next.
   
    15. ***Do NOT do this!!! This is NOT frumm!!*** Sing that uppity NCSY benching tune.
   
    16. Must speak in that annoying Brooklyn accent.
   
    17. Meditation is completely assur. (G-d forbid you should spiritually become closer to G-d).
   
    18. You should not wear a tie during Shabbos Mincha.
   
    19. Girls Only: Get the Bob/Bais Yaakov haircut at 18, so everyone will know you're ready to get married.
   
    20. Learn Gemara and layn out loud along with the ba'al koreh, because maybe he'll pronounce a kamatz as a patach and that pseudo-Sefardi Modern-Orthodox sheigetz with the small black beanie who stands next to him reading from a Chumash won't catch it because he's busy talking about real estate throughout the layning.
   
    21. Got to do that hat slanted ever so-slighty backwards thing for the full gangsta-frumma look.
   
    22. Go 'coast to coast' without showering, changing your clothes or shaving, until you truly look like a caveman.
   
    23. ***Do NOT do the following*** Wear shirt with stripes. Bobby pins and especially those shiny metallic clips. Tweed jackets or non-black hats.
   
    24. Never say "Thank You," instead say, "Shkoiyach" - Remember it's only one word.
   
    25. Pssshhhhh.
   
    26. Videotape your wedding even though nobody on either side of the family owns a television.
   
    27. Go to bars dressed in your hats and jackets, drink, stare at teenage girls, and claim do be doing kiruv.
   
    28. You must go to the Hilton or any other expensive-type hotel on your first date.
   
    29. Bikur Cholim is for wimps, wusses, and girly-men.
   
    30. When learning, make sure to have as many Sfarim open as possible. Many poskim hold you should have out: 2 Mesechtas of Gemara, a chumash, a chelek of Shulchan Oruch, a Ritva, and a sefer written by an achron that nobody knows.
   
    31. Bow REALLY deep at the beginning of Shemona Esrei.
   
    32. For the ladies, if he doesn't ask to marry you until he asks all the stupid petty questions like "what is your name," he's off limits, unless his father is a jeweler who makes big fat diamond rings.
   
    33. Whenever a friend gets married, stop looking at her in the face. Now that she is married, you must always look at her stomach to see if it's getting any bigger, because now that she is married, she will be getting pregnant any day. After a few months and no belly, talk to everyone you know about her.
   
    34. Who needs kavanah when davening? Just scrunch up your face, purse your lips, shut your eyes tight, bang one fist into your palm, whisper the words loud enough to disturb your neighbor, let your spit be liberated from the confines of your lips, and get that really, really constipated look on your face. Only then will the Big Guy hear your supplications.
   
    35. The answer to any question: Mamash, takka, im yirtzeh hashem, bli neder, canina hora, lo aleynu, Chas veSholom!
   
    36. Your wife (Or you, depending on your gender), must wear a frummy robe Shabbos night.
   
    37. When the Bais Hamikdash is built (G-d willing soon), you must dedicate something in honor of a dead relative or a family simcha. i. e. "This Misbeach was built in the memory of so and so," or "This Korban Tamid was sponsored by the sisterhood in honour of Shmuel David's Bar Mitzvah."
   
    38. When you're engaged, you have a chiyuv to set up your friends too. You might not have anybody in mind for your friends before you're engaged, but once you are, you obtain a special power that makes it possible to sense a good shidduch when you see one.
   
    39. Have a really expensive gold watch that, if pawned, would buy crates of sepharim in Israel.
   
    40. Daven a really fast Shemoneh Esrei so that you can be the first one to say Out loud "Ya'aleh V'yavo" for Rosh Chodesh and other such inserts for special days in the calendar in order to remind others that are davening to remember to say these special paragraphs even though they already heard the klop on the bima and even though this burst of self-righteousness may mess up their concentration.
   
    41. Make sure to get engaged after only three dates, but make sure the baby comes no sooner and no later than nine months from the wedding.
   
    42. Make sure to always look miserable, because G-d forbid, people might think that you are taking some form of pleasure in this world.
   
    43. On Shabbos, Take off your jacket after Hamotzi and put it back on right before bentching.
   
    44. Separate your trash for milchig and fleishig.
   
    45. On the days when you make it to minyan, make sure that your friends who didn't, know all about it.
   
    46. The only pop albums you own are Billy Joel.
   
    47. Go into Baskin Robbins when there are other Jews there and say really loud, "I wish I could eat here," just so people know that you keep Cholov Yisrael. Then leave.
   
    48. After you get engaged, married, have a kid, etc.. .go around to everyone else and say "Im yirtze hashem by you," even if they are 70 years old or under the age of 12.
   
    49. If someone?s name is "Doniel" or "Gavriel," pronounce it "gavri-kel" "doni-kel" in order that you shouldn't say G-d's name in vain.
   
    50. Download mincha, maariv, and bentching onto your palm pilot and stop randomly in heavily populated jewish areas to daven from it.
   
    51. Daven with your eyes closed and your finger holding open the page - DO NOT LOOK IN THE SIDDUR. IT IS VERY NOT FRUM TO HAVE TO LOOK!
   
    52. Wear one of the new Hatzoloh walkie-talkies that have the secret service type earphones. Keep the power off but constantly concentrate on what everyone thinks is an important message.
   
    53. Put mezuzas on the doors of your minivan and tell everyone "It's the latest chumrah, but most people don't follow it."
   
    54. Use the term "Please G-d" in your conversations - anywhere "G-d willing" can possibly be added.
   
    55. Ban any fiction books in your house aside from those ridiculous 'frum novels' which are neither frum nor novels.
   
    56. Call a single man at the age of 32 a 'boy', as in "I have a wonderful
    32 year old boy for you!"
   
    57. Be extremely frightened by ANY kind of dog (even a poodle with a head the size of a golfball) and immediately cross to the street when you are within 2 miles of these beasts.
   
    58. Dress your (13) children in matching outfits, girls get dresses, boys get vests and pants made out of same material (i. e. purple tafeta, blue velvet, plaid wool), do this until the oldest is 19.
   
    59. The non invitation...... Never directly invite anyone to your house for a meal. It is better to tell them to call you when they would like to come. Doing this will yotze you the mitzva of  hachnasas orchim, and it puts the pressure on to the other person to call you. When they never actually call you, because for some strange reason, they didn't think that you gave them a real invitation, come over to them in shul 2 years later and ask them why they never called you. Make sure to look insulted.
   
    60. Never wash your tallis.

Actually,people tell me that I look like obama,which i guess isn't so bad considering 40% of women who voted for him said they did so cause he's handsome.

(and they say sexism doesnt have a basis???)

Dearest uri -

5 & 7 were so funny they made me lose my balance very badly.
18 - confession: I only wear a tie at Shabbos mincha when i think that the (otherwise very nice) guy who yelled at me once for not wearing a tie at shabbos mincha is gonna show up
27 was just, plain, nasty...Shkoiach! (oops!)
54 and 57 made me laugh very loudly
59 was just too long for me to "halt kupp"...you know how I detest long posts

;D

Love you, man...

This was my favorite:

37. When the Bais Hamikdash is built (G-d willing soon), you must dedicate something in honor of a dead relative or a family simcha. i. e. "This Misbeach was built in the memory of so and so," or "This Korban Tamid was sponsored by the sisterhood in honour of Shmuel David's Bar Mitzvah."

LOL URI!!Luvit!

Kedusha wrote on 29 Nov 2009 17:13:


I did not mean the piece to be serious at all. I really laughed the first time I read it. A chumara can easily turn out to be a big kulah, thanks to the
Y"H. ("Vehoser Soton Milfoneinu Emai'acha'reinu" ---)