LUV that 1!! LOL!

Let
> me see if I understand all this...
> 
> IF
> YOU
> CROSS THE
>
> NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOR.
> 
> IF YOU
>
> CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED
>
> INDEFINITELY.
> 
> IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET
>
> SHOT.
> 
> IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL
> BE
>
> JAILED.
> 
> IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU MAY NEVER
> BE
>
> HEARD FROM AGAIN.
> 
> IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU
>
> WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.
> 
> IF YOU CROSS
>
> THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO
> POLITICAL PRISON TO
>
> ROT.
> 
> IF YOU CROSS THE U.S.  BORDER
>
> ILLEGALLY:
>
>
>
> YOU GET A JOB,
>
>
>
> A DRIVERS LICENSE,
>
>
>
> A SOCIAL SECURITY CARD,
>
>
>
> WELFARE, FOOD STAMPS,
>
>
>
> CREDIT CARDS,
>
>
>
> SUBSIDIZED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A
>
> HOUSE,
>
>
>
> A FREE EDUCATION,
>
>
>
> FREE HEALTH CARE,
>
>
>
> A LOBBYIST IN WASHINGTON
>
>
>
> ...AND IN MANY INSTANCES YOU CAN
>
> VOTE....

THE
> FINAL EXAM...........You teachers are going to love this
> one!!
>
> At Penn State University, there were four sophomores taking
> chemistry and
>
>
> all of them had an 'A' so far. These four friends
> were so confident that,
> the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some
> friends and have a big
> party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty
> partying, they slept
>
>
> all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Penn State
> until early Monday
> morning.
>
> Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after
> the final they
> would explain to their professor why they missed it. They
> said that they
>
>
> visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire.
> As a result, they
> missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up
> the final the next
> day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that
> night for the
>
>
> exam.
>
> The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms
> and gave them a
> test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth
> 5 points.  Cool,
> they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was
> going to be
>
>
> easy... then they turned the page. On the second page was
> written...
>
> For 95 points: Which tire? _________

Talmudic Reasoning

>  After
> months of negotiation with the authorities, a Talmudist
> from
>  Odessa was
> finally granted permission to visit Moscow.
> He boarded the
>  train and found an empty seat. At the next
> stop, a young man got on and
>  sat next to him.
>  The scholar looked at the young man and he
> thought: This fellow doesn't
>  look like a peasant, so if he is no peasant
> he probably comes from this
>  district. If he comes from this district,
> then he must be Jewish because
>  this is, after all, a Jewish district.
>
>  But on the other hand, since he is a Jew,
> where could he be going? I'm
>  the only Jew in our district who has
> permission to travel to Moscow.
>  Ahh, wait! Just outside Moscow there
> is a little village called Samvet,
>  and Jews don't need special permission to go
> to Samvet. But why would
>  he travel to Samvet? He is surely going to
> visit one of the Jewish
>  families there.
>
>  But how many Jewish families are there in
> Samvet? Aha, only two - the
>  Bernsteins and the Steinbergs.
>  But since the Bernstein's are a terrible
> family, so such a nice looking
>  fellow like him, he must be visiting the
> Steinbergs. But why is he going
>  to the Steinbergs in Samvet? The Steinbergs
> have only daughters, two of
>  them, so maybe he's their son-in-law.
>
>  But if he is, then which daughter did he
> marry?
>
>  They say that Sarah Steinberg married a nice
> lawyer from Budapest,
> and
>  Esther married a businessman from Zhitomer,
> so it must be Sarah's
>  husband. Which means that his name is
> Alexander Cohen, if I'm not
>  mistaken.
>
>  But if he came from Budapest,
> with all the anti-Semitism they have
>  there, he must have changed his name.
>  What's the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen? It
> is Kovacs.
>
>  But since they allowed him to change his
> name, he must have special
>  status to change it.
>
>  What could it be? Must be a doctorate from
> the University. Nothing less
>  would do.
>
>  At this point, therefore, the scholar of
> Talmud turns to the young man
>  and says, "Excuse me.  Do you
> mind if I open the window, Dr. Kovacs?"
>
>  "Not all," answered the startled
> co-passenger. "But how is it that you
>  know my name?"
>
>  "Ahhh," replied the Talmudist,
> "It was obvious

IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large enough motor' on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not.. Four is larger than two..."

We haven't used Sears repair since. 

IDIOT SIGHTING:

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "You gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but we cannot do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change..

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's. 

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."

From Kingman , KS . 

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

From Kansas City 

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

Happened in Birmingham , Ala. 

IDIOT SIGHTING:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS 

IDIOT SIGHTING:

We were having a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker, as she was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a lunch at Texas Instruments. 

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office, no less. 

IDIOT SIGHTING:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side. This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MS   

IDIOT SIGHTINGS:

When I left Hawaii and was transferred to Florida , I still had the Hawaiian plates on my car, as my car was shipped from Hawaii . I was parking somewhere (I can't remember) and a guy asked me "Wow, you drove from Hawaii to here?" I looked at him and quickly said "Yep. I took the Hawaii/San Francisco Bridge". He nodded his head and said, "Cool"! 



STAY ALERT! They walk among us... they REPRODUCE...........    and they vote!!!!! 

Break and Smile...


A Jewish chap was in a supermarket in Thornhill ,
Ontario . He saw a black woman trying to get her young child to put down a
candy bar he had picked off the shelf.

'Latrell, you put that down ! It's not kosher !'
Intrigued, the young man decided to investigate.
'Excuse me, ma'am,
are you Jewish ?'

'No.'

'So why did you say that ?'

'Why ? I'll tell you why. 'Because I see all them
Jewish mothers saying that to their kids -- and it works, so I decided to
try it.'

Ever thought of how to make fun of yourself?

1.    If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.

2.    If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.

3.    After the destruction of the Second temple, God created Loehmann's.

4.    Gentiles leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never leave.

5.    20% off is a bargain; 50% is a mitzvah.

6.    The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.

7.    And what's wrong with dry turkey?

8.    If your name was Lipschitz, you'd change it, too.

9.    Always whisper the names of diseases.

10. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.

11. If you don't eat, it will kill me.

12. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.

13. Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.

14. Never take a front row seat at a bris.

15. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?

16. Never leave a restaurant empty handed.

17. Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami Beach.

18. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate side of the street parking in suspended (only for New Yorkers)

19. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?

20. Before you read the menu, read the prices.

21. There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up and tell his mother he's an adult. This usually happens around age 45.

22. According to Jewish dietary law pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.

23. No meal is complete without leftovers.

24. If you have to ask the price you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid.

25. The only good thing more important than a good education is a good parking spot at the mall.

Ay, Golus!

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident
on a snowy, cold Monday

morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but

amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women

drivers.

The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow,

just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must

be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the

rest of our days.'

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a

sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to

drive.'

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car

is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely

God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune..' She

hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle

and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to

the man.

The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'

The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'

OUCH

I think we should officially rename this thread to ....MEN BASHERS!

HELLO Tech Support

Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through;
  Can you help?'
Operator:            'Where did you get that number, sir?'
Customer:            'It's on the door of your business.'
Operator:            ' Sir, those are the hours that we are open..'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator:    'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'
Caller:        'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I 
      Need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and 
  Telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the
                  Number for Jack?'
Operator:  'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am
            Traveling in Australia ?'
Operator:    'Does the product name give you a clue?'
--------------------------------------------- -------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )
'If I register my car in France , and then take it to England , do I have to change 
the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator:  'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland '
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box
told a worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'
Customer:  'OK.'
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'
Customer:  'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK . Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this
                          Point?'
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can
        You see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow! How can you see my screen from there?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------


This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should 
Have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.'

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator:  'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words  went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared'
Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen?'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
                Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'
Caller:'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller:  'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one? '
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is'
Operator:  'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'OK. Well, can you see if it is?'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?'
Caller:  'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark?'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.'
Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not?'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator:  'A power ... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in?'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose.. What do I tell them?'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!'

If anyone wants to see that post in its original,
Rage will find the link :D

Dedicated to Uri
THINGS TO DO WHEN YOU'RE BORED



-Wax the ceiling

-Rearrange political campaign signs

-Sharpen your teeth

-Play Houdini with one of your siblings
-Braid your dog's hair
-Water your dog...see if he grows
-Wash a tre
-Scare Stephen King
-Purr
-Mow your carpet
-Vacuum your lawn
-Whine
-Rake your carpet
-Re-elect Richard Nixon
-Listen to a painting
-Play with matches
-Buff your cat
-Race ferrets
-Paint your house...Day-Glo Orange
-Read Homer in the original Greek
-Change your mind
-Change it back
-Learn Greek
-Watch the sun...see if it moves
-Stand on your head
-Stand on someone else's head
-Build a pyramid
-See how long you can stay awake
-See how long you can sleep
-Spit shine your Nikes
-Paint your teeth
-Speak with a forked tongue
-Get your dog braces
-Shave a shrub
-Have a proton fight
-Watch a car rust
-Quiver
-Rotate your carpet
-Learn to type...with your toes
-Set up your Christmas tree in April
-Buy the Brooklyn Bridge
-Be someone special
-Mail it to a friend
-Go back to square one
-Factor your social security number
-Memorize a series of random numbers
-Exist...existentially, of course
-Print counterfeit Confederate money
-Take a picture
-Play solitaire...for cash
-Put it back
-Abuse your patio furniture
-Run for Pope
-Count to a million...fast
-Make a schematic drawing...of a rock
-Commit seppuku...with a paper knife
-Think shallow thoughts
-Sleep on a bed of nails
-Boil ice cream
-DON'T toss and turn
-Run around in squares
-Think of quadruple entendres
-Speak in acronyms
-Drink straight shots...of water
-Calmly have a nervous breakdown
-Give your goldfish a perm
-Play tag...on 35W
-be blue
-Be red
-But don't be orange
-Paint stripes on a lake
-Ski Kansas
-Sleep in freefall
-Test thin ice...with a pogo stick
-Apply for a unicorn hunting license
-Do a good job
-Crawl
-Paint your windows
-Watch a watch until it stops
-Paint
-Smile
-Paint a smile
-Rotate your garden...daily
-Shoot a fire hydrant
-Apologize to it
-Pretend you're blind
-Plant a shoe
-Sweat
-Turn
-Take your sofa for a walk
-Write a letter to Plato
-Mail it
-Start
-Stop
-Dial 911 and breathe heavily
-Go to a funeral...tell jokes
-Play the piano...with mittens on
-Starch your shoes
-Polish your Calvin's
-Contemplate a cockroach
-Form a political party
-Climb a sidewalk
-Sharpen a carrot
-Interrogate a gerbil
-Annoy yourself
-Get mad at yourself
-Stop speaking to yourself
-Be a side effect
-Redecorate...your garage
-Develop a complex
-Put leg warmers on your furniture
-Scheme
-Sit
-Water your family room
-Stay
-Cause a power failure
-Roll over
-Wriggle
-Play dead
-Donate your brother's body to science
-Find a witch
-Ask why
-Burn her
-Sleepwalk without sleeping
-Play to lose
-Scalp a street light
-Have your car painted...plaid
-Read a tomato
-Sharpen your sleeping skills
-Watch a game show...take notes
-Put out a fire
-Interview a cloud
-If you can't find a fire, make one
-Play tiddlywinks...go for blood
-Play basketball...in a minefield
-Crumple
-Translate Shakespeare into English
-Cheer up a potato
-Do aerobic exercises...in your head
-Play Kick the Fire Hydrant
-Build a house with ice cubes
-Change your name...daily
-Go for a walk in your attic
-Wonder
-Ask stupid questions
-Teach your pet rock to play dead
-Be a monk...for a day
-Wear a sweatband to your wedding
-Run away
-Intimidate a piece of chalk
-Bend a brick
-Annoy total strangers
-Write books about writing books
-Create random equations
-Tell your feet a joke
-Throw a tomato into a fan
-Sing the ABC song backwards
-Pretend you're a dog
-Grease the doorknobs
-Tie your shoelaces together
-Gargle
-Count your teeth with your tongue
-Decay
-Find your half-life
-Build a house out of toothpicks
-Howl
-Wear a lampshade on your head
-Memorize the dictionary
-Stomp grapes in the bathtub
-Find a bug and chase it
-Make yourself a pair of wings
-Be immobile
-Dance 'til you drop
-Check under chairs for chewing gum
-Squish a loaf of bread
-Moo
-Bounce a potato
-Out maneuver your shadow
-Challenge yourself to a duel
-Believe in Santa Claus
-Hold an ice cube as long as possible
-Adopt strange mannerisms
-Blow up a balloon until it pops
-Sing soft and sweet and clear
-Sing loud and sour and gravely
-Balance a pencil on your nose
-Pour milk in your shoes
-Write graffiti under the rug
-Embarrass yourself
-Grind your teeth
-Chew ice
-Stack crumbs
-Save your toenail clippings
-Make up words that start with X
-Sing a duet
-Balance a pillow on your head
-Hold your breath
-Faint
-Stretch
-Swear in Russian
-Use an eraser until it goes away
-Disassemble your car
-Put it together inside out
-Eat everything
-Tie-dye your sheets
-Hold your earlobes
-Carpet your ceiling
-Fold your earlobes
-Flap
-Squawk
-Award yourself a Nobel Peace Prize
-Turn on everything
-Drop pebbles down the chimney
-Peel grapes
-Send chills down your spine
-Blow bubbles
-Get run over by a train of thought
-Make up famous sayings
-Bite your pinkie
-File your teeth
-Design a better toilet seat
-Shred a newspaper
-Have a headache
-Play air guitar
-Act profound
-Hold your hand

I got my laughter for the day here.