Also, what's the Karma button?

Always Fresh wrote on 28 Nov 2023 17:12:

Trouble asked that already here.

Regarding how this thread is helping anyone, if you don't get it, you're either not depressed or don't know how to chill.

That's it; I quit dieting.
I give up. I'll never get back to my original weight.
I mean, in all honesty, I don't think 6.8 would be healthy for me.

A Russian teacher walking into the classroom. 
"okay class today we are going to learn about the health effects of alcohol"
she takes out a jar of water and a can of worms.
she places the worms in the water and the class watches as the worms swim around. She then takes out a jar of vodka and puts some worms inside. The class watches as the worms wiggle around and then die. 
"okay class" she says, "what did we learn today?"
little Boris in the back raises his hand
"drink vodka, not get stomach worms"

a man was sent to a galug in Russia. He was only allowed to say two words every 10 years. After the first ten years the jailer comes to him and barks out "words!". The man looks down at his worn out, patched up boots and says "new boots". The jailer leaves and returns with a pair of brand new high end boots (ariats for all you boot people)
ten years later the jailer returns and barks out "words!". The man looks down at his shrunken stomach and says "more food". From then on he gets double rations every other day. 
ten years later the jailer returns and barks out "words!". The man looks at the jailer and says "im leaving"
the jailer looks back at him and says"no kidding, every since you came all Ive heard from you are complaints. Never a nice word to say"

Yossel and shmiel were lost in the desert. After 3 days of wandering around, they were out of food and water. The situation looked bleak. They were both weak. They were about to give up and resign to their fate. But then they saw an Arab tent in the distance. On the last ounces of strength, they started walking towards it. As they approached, shmeil turned to yossel, "yossel, when we get there, we cant tell them our names, they'll kill us for being Jewish, im saying that my name is Ahmed"
yossel replied "no! A yid is never ashamed of who he is, say what you want, but im telling them my name is yossel" 
they finally got to the tent, and a man came out to meet them. 
"hello, my name is yossel and this is Ahmed and we are lost in this desert for a few days already," yossel said, "do you have any food and water to spare?"
the man replied that he would be honored to help them and went inside, returning moments later with one portion of food and one bottle of water. Shmeil looked at yossel and whispered "i told you so"
but the man put the food and water down in front of yossel and turned to walk away
"wait! What about me, Ahmed, your brother?!" shmeil cried out. 
the man looked at him and said "what?! On Ramadan you expect me to give a devout Muslim food!?!?"

A duck walks in to a bar and asks the bartender "you got worms?"
the bartender looks at him, slightly confused and answers him that they don't serve worms. The duck politely thanks him and walks out.
the next day the duck returns and walks to the bar
"you got worms?"
the bartender answers him again that no, they don't serve worms. The duck thanks him and walks out.
the next day the duck returns and walks back up to the bartender
the bartender looks at him and yells
"listen here you dumb duck, if you ask me one more time if we serve worms ill nail your dumb beak to the bar!!"
the duck calmly looks at him and asks "you got nails?"
the bartender., bathcaught off guard, answers that no, he doesn't have any nails
the duck replies "great! You got worms?"

Dear student loans, thank you for helping me get through college, you did so much for me. I dont know how i can ever repay you.

what did the zen master say to the hotdog vendor?
one with everything.
(credit to foolie)

someone tell the shadchanim im sane. I even have a paper from my doctor and the court to prove it.

random history fact: when Christopher Columbus first saw manatees in Florida, he wrote "i have seen the mermaids, and they are not half as beautiful as described"
story of our lives...

ainshumyeiush wrote on 08 Jan 2024 02:15:

There's actually a video of a TV host telling a version of this joke to the Dalai Lama and it went right over his head .

There were once three Yidden: 
One sold matzo for parnassah. 
One sold arba minim for parnassah.
 The third one 

"Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience." ~ Mark Twain

"People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do." ~ Isaac Asimov

"I asked mom if I was a gifted child. She said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me." ~ Bill Watterson

jackthejew wrote on 28 Apr 2024 04:00:

Precious!! 

some covid humor(: