Most years we drink on Purim until we can’t tell the difference between Baruch Mordechai and Arur Haman…
This year, we’ll be drinking until we can’t tell the difference between Purim and st. Patty’s day

sleepy wrote on 26 May 2022 16:53:

This reminds me of the story of a guy who heard on the news that there was supposed to be a flood where he lived and everyone was being asked to evacuate. 

He said "I am not worried, Hashem will protect me".

When it started raining and he said, I am not worried, Hashem will protect me.

When the police drove around with loudspeakers warning everyone to evacuate he said, I am not worried, Hashem will protect me.

When the water started coming under his door he said, I am not worried, Hashem will protect me.

When he had to climb to the roof he said, I am not worried, Hashem will protect me.

When the rescue boat came he told the guy, I am not worried, Hashem will protect me. 

When the helicopter came he yelled, I am not worried, Hashem will protect me!

Until........

Finally he drowned and died. 

When he came up to Heaven and stood in front of Hashem he was furious. He said, Hashem, I believed in you all this time and I was waiting for you to come save me! Where were you!?!

Hashem replied, I was there, I was in the news, I was in the loudspeaker, I was in the boat and even in the helicopter, you were just too afraid to leave the comfort of your home. 

12 years ago, Reb NeverAgain wrote on the "extremely" depressed person's chill spot the followin':

It's late, way after shkiah already, and in many homes the candles are already lit for Shabbos. Still, in the mikvah remains an Israeli bochur and he's taking a shower before Shabbos. Since he's taking his time as if he's completely oblivious that it's already Shabbos, someone turns to him and says, "Achi... Shabbat nichnasa kvar. Betach sh'ata yodeya! Lo?". The bochur, continuing to shower, turns to him calmly, "Shabbat hamalka hi m'od tznuah. Hi lo nichneset l'toch mikvah im gvarim.".

guardyoureyes.com/forum/25/64060-The-Severely-Depressed-Persons-Chill-Spot?limit=15&start=30#68951

“Bein Hazmanim is like going on a plane: you go in loaded with seforim, planning to shteig the entire time, and you end up watching a movie”.
-a rebbi

Three old men an American a Frenchman and a Russian are sitting describing the most joyous occasion of life. The American says "There's nothing better than a good piece of steak. The Frenchman says "what are you talking about" "Viewing beautiful pieces of art is the most enjoyable part of life. The Russian says "both you guys don't know what you're talking about. The most enjoyable occasion is when we were in the soviet union at the end of the day we would wait on a long line to get our meager rations and then we would go home to eat it and there would be a knock on the door and it would be the KGB!" "Mr. Petrov you are under arrest!"

At a recent linguistic conference held in London , England , and attended by some of the best linguists in the world: Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear winner.

His final challenge was: Some say that there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.

His answer: "When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.  But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.    And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"

His answer was received with a standing ovation lasting over 5 minutes and it entitled him to receive an invitation to dine with the Queen

Those of us that are “clean” because of cold showers - can you guess what we eat on thanksgiving?

Markz wrote on 12 Aug 2022 02:34:

COLD TURKEY

Hey, bug on my back, asked a fly. Are you a mite?

I mite be, giggled the mite.

The fly groaned, That's the worst joke I've ever heard!

Well, what do you expect? Said the mite. I came up with it on the fly.

A friend of mine and I were making our way through an automobile parking lot.  He is wheelchair-bound, and so he notices when other drivers do not park well in handicap spots, making it harder for other disabled drivers to get out of their vehicles.

"Look at the way that guy parked!  What a bum," he said.

I chastised him, "that's not a very nice attitude to have about someone!  You don't know what his disability is...!  After all, he might be blind..."

I walked into the doctors office.
"What can I do for you sir," the Dr greeted me.
"Well Doc y'see I've been having some issues lately, everything my wife does irritates me, I can't let go of it. It is giving me high anxiety and I need medication."
The Dr said, "well what does she do that annoys you?" 
"Well she's happy to kiss the dog on the lips but won't drink from my glass!"
"Hmmmm, I see. How is communication?"
"Well doc i haven't actually spoken to her in 20 years, I didn't want to interrupt her!"
"Well, well, and what about dinner?"
"Oh, doc! She is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves!"
"Well sir I see your problem, you don't need medication."
"What do I need then?"
"Well you complain so much about your wife I can only say you are a terrible husband!"
"Well I want a second opinion!"
"Ok, you're ugly as well!"

thats good!

A Gut Voch, Gut Yuhr and a g’mar chasima tova to all!!!!
… Is it just me, or does saying “Gut Voch” on a Tuesday night feel kinda weird? I mean, we’re already halfway through the week…
Just my thoughts 

I enjoyed! Thanks!

sleepy wrote on 25 Dec 2022 15:00:

He also knows when you’re sleeping, etc.