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The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :)

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Getting out of Isolation and connecting with others is an important part of recovery. This board is for non-addiction related threads, where members exchange jokes, have fun - and drink Lechayim Together!

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TOPIC: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 351906 Views

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 14 Nov 2009 23:39 #28318

TrYiNg

TrYiNg wrote on 13 Nov 2009 09:54:

What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says..."

Uri wrote on 13 Nov 2009 12:27:

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

TrYiNg wrote on 13 Nov 2009 09:54:

How many men does it take to open a beer?
-None, it should be opened when she brings it to you.

Uri wrote on 13 Nov 2009 12:27:

How many men does it take to open a beer?
-None, it should be opened when she brings it to you.

TrYiNg wrote on 13 Nov 2009 09:54:

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

Uri wrote on 13 Nov 2009 12:27:

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

Like mother, like son….

:D :D :D

Last Edit: by Tshooshani.

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 14 Nov 2009 23:44 #28321

habib613	lol was thinking the same thing :D :D :D :D :D :D
	Last Edit: by lktyh.

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 15 Nov 2009 01:49 #28363

habib613	FLY: Male or Female?? A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband stalking around with a fly swatter 'What are you doing?' She asked. 'Hunting Flies' He responded. 'Oh. ! Killing any?' She asked. 'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied. Intrigued, she asked. 'How can you tell them apart?' He responded, '3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.
	Last Edit: by tf87.

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 15 Nov 2009 01:53 #28365

habib613

Jewish Moms.

Three Jewish mothers were sitting around comparing notes on their exemplary offspring.
"There never was a daughter more devoted than my Alice," said Mrs. Goldsteinwith a sniff. "Every summer she takes me to the Catskills for a week, and every winter we spend a week at Delray Beach."

"That's nothing compared to what my Anna does for me," declared Mrs. Cohen proudly. "Every winter she treats me to two weeks in Miami, and in the summer two weeks in the Hamptons, in my own private guest house."

Mrs.. Epstein sat back with a proud smile. "Nobody loves her mother like my Jill does. Nobody."

"So what does she do?" asked the two women, turning to her.

"Three times a week she gets into a cab, goes to the best psychologist in the city, and pays him a $150 an hour - just to talk about me!"

Last Edit: by Guy Blanco.

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 15 Nov 2009 04:39 #28377

habib613

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks upset, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.
He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute." The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore ..."
The man sighs and says, "It's started..."

Last Edit: by Yizlover22.

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 15 Nov 2009 04:41 #28378

habib613	A Jewish man is speeding along the highway at 1 a.m. A policeman stops him and asks, "Where are you racing at this hour?" "To a lecture," the man responds. "Who will give you a lecture at this hour?" the policeman wonders. "My wife," he replies.
	Last Edit: by jeremy o.

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 15 Nov 2009 04:43 #28379

habib613	Nine-year-old Robert returns from school one day filled with excitement. "Daddy," he exclaims. "Today I was chosen to have a part in the annual school production. I will be playing the role of a Jewish husband." "Go back to them," declares the angry father, "and tell them that you want a speaking part."
	Last Edit: by fricky27.

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 15 Nov 2009 04:44 #28380

habib613	How is married life?" Greg asks his old buddy Mike. "It's quite simple," Mike responds. "When we got engaged, I did most of the talking and she did most of the listening. Later, when we married, she began doing all of the talking and I began doing all of the listening. Now, ten years later, we both do all of the talking and the neighbors do all of the listening."
	Last Edit: by Fintech.

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 15 Nov 2009 05:00 #28381

habib613

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years..'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

Last Edit: by kiki.

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 15 Nov 2009 05:01 #28382

habib613	has anyone noticed that i'm really good at procrastinating?
	Last Edit: by marcyfan2.

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 15 Nov 2009 05:21 #28383

TrYiNg	LOL HABIB ;D ;D and we realized.. :D
	Last Edit: by new602931.

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 15 Nov 2009 05:33 #28385

Efshar Letaken Current streak: 194 days OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 850 Karma: 3	In my house I'm the one wearing the Pants! My wife just tells me which ones to put on. Oh! I also have the last word. It is. Yes Dear!
	Last Edit: by Skwitzy.

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 15 Nov 2009 05:34 #28386

habib613	lol, Efshar. at least you know who's boss :D ;D :D ;D
	Last Edit: by teshuvah345.

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 15 Nov 2009 09:45 #28411

7yipol Current streak: 3 days OFFLINE Platinum Boarder YES HE CAN! Posts: 4686 Karma: 12	Habib, Youre really on a roll! Now roll into bed!
	Hashem is addicted to you! Feel His hugs!"Sheva yipol tzaddik VKUM" Last Edit: by wife.

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 15 Nov 2009 20:28 #28491

jerusalemsexaddict

Rage ATM wrote on 15 Nov 2009 16:40:

THINGS YOU CAN DO WITH ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

Blink wildly and then close your eyes really tight for an interesting light show
(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes)
See a variety of blobs, stars and flashes. Try to make out shapes and see if your subconscious is trying to send you a message (perhaps that funny shape is saying, 'send all your money to gye?)

See how long you can hold a note
(Amusement Potential: 4-20 minutes)
Not that much fun, but it sure passes the time. Play with a friend, or try to beat your own personal best. Inhale deeply and then try and make a noise for as long as you can. Earn extra points for making your partner laugh or ending on an amusing note.

Try to not think about penguins
(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes)
This is especially hard, because by trying too much, you remember what you were trying to avoid thinking of. If you try too little, you end up thinking about penguins anyway.

Use your secret mind power
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes)
Pick a passing by and try to use your mind power to command them do something, like drop their bag or knock into someone. The law of averages dictates that sooner or later one of your mind commands will come true, so you can convince yourself that you really have super human powers and waste even more time trying them out.

Pretend you're a robot
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes)
Walk down the street with mechanical movements, adding 'zzzzzt' sounds with each motion. Pretending to have a motor broken in, say, your left hand can add at least 30 seconds more entertainment.

Scratch yourself
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes)
Go ahead, scratch yourself now. Even if nothing itches, go ahead. Doesn't that feel pretty good? (i think letakain once was mechavein to this one)

Rate passers by
(Amusement Potential: 10-15 minutes)
Secretly award passers by marks out of ten as you go along, offering (unsaid) expert criticism over their clothing, hairstyle and footwear choices.

Repeat the same word over and over until it loses its meaning
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes)
Pick a random word out of a magazine and say it aloud to yourself until it becomes a meaningless set of noises. (my daughter has mastered this one).

Pinch yourself
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes)
What is pain? Why is it unpleasant? There's nothing physical about it - it's all in your mind. Plus, after pinching yourself for awhile, boredom will seem nice next to being in pain.

Try to swallow your tongue
(Amusement Potential: 1-2 minutes)
There's not much to say about this one. It is possible, but really stupid.

Pretend to be a car
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes)
Make appropriate revving noises in your head as you walk along and add a racing commentary as you pass strangers in the street. Use blinking eyes as indicators for extra authenticity.

Make Star Trek door noises
(Amusement Potential: 1-2 minutes)
Stand by an electric door to a bank or something and make that silly "Scccccccchwop" sound heard whenever people popped on to the bridge to hang with Captain Kirk.

Look at something for awhile, shut eyes, study after image
(Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes)
Another great time waster. It takes about 30 seconds of staring to create an after image, and the image is then viewable for about the same length of time. Fun to combine this one with pushing on your eyes.

Get yourself as nauseated as possible
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes)
Best achieved by looking straight up and spinning around. Try to be so dizzy you can't even stand up. This is also entertaining due to the "makes boredom seem a lot better" effect (see "Hurt Yourself"). (also mastered by said daughter)

Invent a weird twitch
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes)
Adopt a bizarre twitch (e.g. flicking your head irregularly, twitching with eye or busting out sporadic cough noises) and try it out when you go shopping.

Make a low buzzing noise
(Amusement Potential: 15-30 minutes)
Hours of fun in libraries! Keeping a totally straight face and looking nonchalant, make a low pitch humming/buzzing noise and see who reacts.

THINGS YOU CAN DO WITH VERY LITTLE

See what's in your neighbour's rubbish/trash
(Amusement Potential: 20-30 minutes)
You can learn a lot about people by what they throw out. You might uncover some dark secret about them. Plus, they might be throwing out something with value that still works,

Watch TV, repeat everything said in Italian accent
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes)
Sort of entertaining. Include flamboyant shoulder shrugs for added impact, or go for a Marlon Brando set of grunts.

Send spooky emails
(Amusement Potential: 15-60 minutes)
Look up someone's CV on the web, do some research on them via Google and then send them an email full of personal references claiming to be an ex-work colleague who fell in love with their shoes. Or something.

Make prank phone calls
(Amusement Potential: 20-60 minutes)
Very entertaining, but requires discipline. Remember - vulgarities don't make a call funny, but getting the other person to believe a ridiculous story will. Try seeing if you can get them to make noises to 'test' the line. One to get you started off: Call McDonalds with weird complaints about their food.

Pretend all humans will die except for people in room with you
Amusement Potential: 10-20 minutes)
What would you do if this really happened? Would the group stay together, or would there be factions? Who would join what group? Remember, there would only be power for a few days before the plants ran out of fuel or broke. To travel, you would always have to be near cars to siphon gas out of. Best to do with people you know.

Step off a curb with eyes shut, imagine it's a cliff
(Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes)
To get any benefit out of this one, you have to have a good imagination. Don't step off immediately, build up to the jump. Study the ravine below. Feel the winds at that altitude. Step off and...AHHHHHH!!!!!

Try and sound Welsh
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes)
The key to sounding Welsh is to make sure that your voice goes up at the end of the sentence, so that everything sounds like a question. Throw in a superfluous 'isn't it?' at the end of everything you say and you're halfway there. Isn't it?

Burn things with a magnifying glass
(Amusement Potential: 5-30 minutes)
Ants are always fun to use for this, but burning the face of someone you don't like, under some circumstances, can be just as entertaining.

THINGS YOU CAN DO WITH ANOTHER PERSON

Have a water gargling contest
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes)
Put a glassful of water in your mouth and see how long you can keep gargling for. Award yourself extra points for loud and amusing gargling noises, and minus points if you laugh.

Stare at the back of someone's head until they turn around
(Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes)
This works on the "I have the feeling I'm being watched" principle. Conduct an experiment-does this really work?

Have a "Who is less competitive" competition
wonder (Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes)
Trying to win at this will make you lose. Trying to lose makes you win which makes you lose. Not trying at all makes you lose which makes you win which makes you lose. Your thoughts on this one, TrYiNg.

Pick up a dog so it can see things from your point of view
(Amusement Potential: 3-5 minutes)
Think about it: your dog has only seen the house from a viewpoint from 6" to 2' high (15 to 60 cm for all you metric fans). It's never seen the tops of counters, what you keep on your desk, the tops of shelves, etc. Try looking at things from its point of view, too.

Pull out a hair, stick in someone's ear
(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes)
Best done to sleeping people. Added challenge in having no one else around, because then you can't blame it on anyone else. Try to beat your record number of times before the person catches on.

Pour water in hand, make sneeze noise, throw water on back of person's neck
(Amusement Potential: 5-15 minutes)
Always a good gag. For an even bigger reaction out of the person, act like you're not sorry at all for what they think you did. Comment instead on how big that sneeze was or about how there was a lot of mucus in that one.

Last Edit: by wcqc.