Dear SonicReducer guy,

Every time a lust temptation comes along whether in reality (one of Hashems people He made and loves whether Jewess or goyess), or in your brain cell (those 'ol fantasy tapes), I suggest you quietly sing:

"Ssssooonnniccc Reduuuuuuuuucer....." a few times with a familiar and spooky tune. I am dead serious.

Have you tried it yet? I promise it will help you smile. And smiling is the doorway into simple calm joy. And that's reality - as it says in Mishlei: "Leiv chochom mishteh tomid".

Not to get too heavy, and even though this is not the marrieds' ('ba'al habatim') side of the forum, I want to say this about sex just to clarify something important and bust a myth or two, be"H:

Our problem is the same in sex, too! We are way too serious about it as a subject and in actual practice...and the struggle with lust we have endured, certainly makes that soooo much worse. It scares the hell out (sorry) of our wives. Trust me (trust my wife, too).

My wife enlightened me during my early recovery that I was just too damn serious about sex! It was after all, such a big deal for us porning-men! We 'know' how mind-blowing and intensely sweet this sex thing is 'supposed ' to be!! Well, shouldn't it be? In my heart, this was the tape playing during foreplay, sex, and even afterward: "Will this work!? Or is that gonna feel better for me?! Will this 'get her in the mood' - or should I be touching more over there or somewhere else?! Aye! Is this gonna 'work'? This is serious business! It's gotta work, you know!!"

Oh, boy. And it really didn't work, in the end...sex never 'saved' me. Surprise.

What woman wants that heavy load put on her? ...and while she is in bed, too.

No woman would - except the ones getting paid for it!! Porn really confuses us, doesn't it. We do not even know how to love.

All my seriousness about that most important thing for me (getting good sex) was a huge turn-off to her. I was shooting myself in my own foot! But she was young and didn't know how to say that, nor why I was behaving that way, nor that there was a better way! I was her sex teacher...or Rebbi. Really. Most of us husbands are, you know.

OMG.

On the 'Torah'-side, she was told (as I was) how meaningful sex is, how holy, how serious a matter it is...concepts all way beyond us and probably way beyond anybody here in this generation. Basically useless information. What did the teachers think? That we wer going to be having sex in public or something!?

But the teachers really do not have a CLUE. And amyhow whatever they say, we sex-hungry, porn-exposed guys end up hearing that sex really is - and should be al pi Torah - a huge, big, fat deal. Hellloooo! This isn't helllllpinnnng, Rebbi...

Make it enjoyable - fun! Collaborate on it, you two. The Zohar hakadosh calls Z'eir Anpin the 'mekor hasimcha' for Nukvah, particularly when they work together as partzufim are supposed to do, called zivug. And 'working together' for us is the midah of Yesod in all endeavors and with all people, not just married people and not just sexually. But anytime people work together and collaborate to produce a tachlis (learning, working, discussion about anything, really). Yesod is of course particularly demonstrated in sex itself, between husband and his 'nukvah'.

And that area is one in which he can be her mekor hasimcha. So: make it happy! It is not easy for us. And that's OK. If you have no clue how to do that, ask your wives! They may not have a clue, either - but probably have some ideas that are far better than anything you or I could ever come up with. Be brave. Lo habayshon lomeid. You may need to talk with a therapist, maybe even a sex therapist. Not all of them are perverts and resho'im, you know...

[ [i]A caution: Any guy who is still hiding from his wife and feeding himself with sweet porn on a regular basis, masturbating himself, etc...will not succeed in circumventing the issue and saving himself from the rotten sex he is having due to his porn-brain, by (finally) just collaborating with his wife to try and make sex more happy and more fun for them both. It will just not work until you get clean and start living honestly with yourself and with her. You may not need to tell disclose to her the stupid things you did in the past (or you may), but you can't fix life up if you are still living in drug-land. It will collapse. The one person you can never escape from will alaways be yourself. And she can smell your mess, she may not know what she is smelling, but it does stink. ]

But regardless of whether you are married or not, WORK ON IT NOW! How? By learning how to take life in general more realistically. Get and live right-sized. RMb"M's emotional 'shvil hazahav' of Sh'moneh P'rakim. We addicts (and semi-addicts) take so many things way too seriously...and so many things not seriously enough. It's the work of a lifetime. A real-life time, not a fantasy-life time.

Balance takes tefilloh, practice, and more tefilloh and more practice and tefilloh. And it takes time. We never get it perfect, but we improve. And when we do improve, everyone we come in contact with has a nicer life.

Dov wrote on 07 Aug 2013 22:43:

Dug through the weirdest thread evah to find this gem \(*_*)/