Hashem Help Me wrote on 19 Jul 2023 04:55:
The following post was originally placed on a balei batim (married guys only) thread named Gardener of Grodno. It was requested to be made available for everyone, so with a few adaptations here it is:
Part One - A guy reaches out for help with masturbation. In my understanding, a fellow who puts shame and embarrassment on the side because he wants to break free is to be complimented and built up. He should feel that his bruchim habaim welcome was sincere and will encourage him to stay in touch. This fellow definitely deserves honorable titles. He is walking upstream against the tsunami of filth that the decadent society around us produces. One of the great American roshei yeshiva, from the main talmidim of Rav Aharon Kotler zatzal, told me that despite his rarely going out on the street (his yeshiva was very close to his house), "the toxic air of the street comes into his sforim shtub." (exact quote). So if even such a yid felt affected, what do we want from our youth? The triggers to fantasize and masturbate are simply all over the place. So if a guy says NO! I want out of this matzav, he is to placed on a pedestal. And again, not only does our new chaver want to be clean, he is even willing to speak to strangers about a very embarrassing behavior. Does Hashem have nachas from his courageous post/phone call/meeting? Does anyone think not?
Step one in dealing with such a fellow is to make him aware of the facts. In many cases we are dealing with a guy in the yeshiva system - be it american, yeshivish, chassidish, chabad, modern orthodox, sephardic. Therefore i will stick to this scenario, but obviously if the facts are different, the conversation can be adjusted accordingly. He needs to be reminded that he is a good guy who davens, learns, says krias shma, does kibud av v'eim, shmiras halashon, Shabbos, kashrus, gemilas chessed, lulav, sukkah, matzah, shatnez, tzitzis, tefillin, etc. etc. None of that is erased because he has a masturbation struggle.
In addition, most people i have spoken with, upon being questioned if anyone at any point openly discussed the issur of hotza'as zera l'vatala answered that no, nobody ever really explained that there is a siman in Shulchan Aruch about this. If anything they heard about this geshmake feeling of release from a friend and experimented... Although they felt "dirty" and sort of knew something was wrong, the whole thing was very blurry. By the time they came to a level of maturity and da'as and clarity about the issur, they were hooked, and definitely not willing to speak about it. At that point anxiety, depression, desperation, and immeasurable guilt set in - ironically being the trigger to masturbate even more. For the record, most boys seem to also have not been told that they may wake up wet - lack of that preparation can cause a bochur to freak out, and then start "experimenting"..
So looking at the picture objectively, we have a guy with a filled out "chart in shomayim" of mitzvos, with the exception of an aveira that began basically b'onais, and continues compulsively (also b'onais) as a bad habit (or in some cases as addiction).
Nowadays, in many cases, pornography is also part of the equation. Boys are often exposed at very tender ages. Let's speak that through as well. A child growing up in our society is BH being raised in a safe and basically predictable matzav. The adults in his life usually are good people. Parents, rebbis, teachers, custodians, the mailman, police officers, grocery store owners are all part of a pleasant picture perfect world. All these adults give off a message to become a mentch, a ben Torah, a baal midos, to be tznius, etc. Evil? That's in Russia, Iran - far away.. And then this child (and for this context i would include up to age 16 as a child) is exposed to hardcore pornography - sights and sounds that he can't wrap his hands around. He is not witnessing love scenes (and that would be bad enough). He is seeing grotesque evil looking behaviors with adults paid to smile as they engage in these unloving erotic and very not tznius activities. He is confused and traumatized by what he has seen. Subconsciously he starts to wonder "Is this what my parents do? Does my shul rabbi do this? My rebbi?" Well guess what - being that there has been no opening of the lines of communication with those individuals, the boy is not going to ask them about what he saw - letting his imagination create bedroom scenes about those very adults who constantly preach to him about midos tovos, tznius, modesty, kedusha, etc. And as we know regarding trauma, one returns to the abuser for more doses of that abuse - in this case they return to pornography. So their inexorable pull to shmutz comes from two opposite directions - 1. Trauma, and 2. To cause a really geshmak ejaculation. A strange shidduch.....The fact is the level of bechira this bochur has at this moment is quite low.
If one takes the time to patiently explain this to a bochur, and answer his questions, you will actually witness the return of some degree of menuchas hanefesh to this fellow. "You really mean i am not a rasha? Hashem doesn't hate me? I am allowed to daven? There is hope for me? It is not as much my fault as i have been thinking?" In addition it is very important to share that this is a very common issue. To some degree or another there are many wonderful guys struggling. Do not deny the fact that there are BH guys that never started masturbating. And there is no need to claim any specific percentage of how many guys are acting out - whatever it is, it's a lot of guys - good normal guys - with choshuve last names as well. Similarly, we are not giving the green light to continue masturbating; we are just giving perspective. The goal is to help him stop - the way to get there is to put him at ease with the truth.
Part Two - Once the guy is a bit calmer, it is time to clarify some facts. Most important fact - There is no room for yi'ush - one can b'ezras Hashem get better. The belief that one must ejaculate is false. Much has been written about this and debated on the forums - too much to write out comprehensively right now. The fact is there are single guys who BH stopped completely and are clean for hundreds of days. Some of them have been a great source of chizuk for beginners by making themselves available to speak. Others have simply graduated, moved on, and put the whole thing behind them. There are also guys who so far have been unable to stop completely, but have minimized the frequency tremendously. Loads of guys have gone from being "masturbators" - meaning masturbation was part of their daily ritual or their sole "go to" to deal with stress, boredom, loneliness, rejection, and now they are "clean" - they have learned healthy ways to pacify themselves, yet for whatever reason they still masturbate on rare occasions, maybe once every few months. They have also learned that a fall does not have to become a disaster. In the past a fall after a few days clean meant acting out with a vengeance numerous times to "get every last drop out". Now it means getting up after the initial fall, reaching out for chizuk, and moving on after one masturbation episode. And that is also called getting better! imagine coming to Yom Kippur and telling Hashem "Last year i masturbated hundreds of times - i am not even sure how much; but this year i only masturbated six or maybe seven times".
I have found that a reward system - a small monetary prize for staying clean - tailor made for the guy's needs is very beneficial. Together with a daily or almost daily accountability phone call/text, the success rate is BH very high. Sometimes such a system is necessary for a few months. Besides the goal setting, the ability to be in contact with a mentor is invaluable. Advice, a shoulder to cry on, chizuk, a bop on the head, whatever is necessary is available. It should be set up in a non obsessive way - a bochur should be living his own life - be it yeshiva, working, vacation, or whatever - he doesn't need you as his new spouse, and he shouldn't be focusing on this so much. His daily feeling of self worth should be coming from the "meat and potatoes" of his day - his learning - his job - his general shmiras hamitzvos, not hyper-focused on this issue. At the same time let him feel comfortable when an urge hits to reach out and have you help him bust it. Just do not become codependent.
As far as how to help bust urges, GYE provides many great strategies. I have my own but they are not so conventional, and therefore will not appear on this post.
Obviously for all of this to work, access to pornography must be cut off completely. With rare exception, one cannot stop masturbating while still viewing arousing material. And besides, pornography is assur and highly toxic in and of itself. Filters, kosher phones, contracts regarding device usage must all be put in place for all the above to work. A healthy conversation about what sexuality is and is not, what real sex and intimacy look like as opposed to what is seen on the screen, as well as detailing what happens when rach"l a wife catches a husband watching pornography are all major motivators to seriously kasher one's viewing habits. I find that when a guy hears that as far as a woman is concerned - watching pornography is basically the same as having sex with a prostitute, they start to realize the pain and trauma they will cause a future spouse. And guys really are good. They want to be good, they want to be close to Hashem, they want to do mitzvos and not do aveiros. They have been blinded by the pornography industry, along with feeling unable to live without the constant arousal and thrill. When you turn on the light of truth and they start to understand how hurt their wife will be, it is a game changer.
This is a summary of what we can share with a bochur who is struggling. I think the original question was "What can we expect from him?" The answer - nothing - just help him develop his own answer. It will be much better than where he is now. And he is great for trying.
This masterpiece is pure Chinnuch, deep understanding, true Ahavas Yisroel.
Most of all - it can help us to help others.
I wish I had talked to someone who understood all this a long time ago. Maybe there's someone out there I know, today, who should not have to wait any longer. Can be in a big way or a small way. But we each can make a bigger difference than we sometimes know.
