70.  Bookend risky situations.

Call your sponsor (or a program buddy) before and after a risky situation.  State what you are about to do, what your intent is, and then afterwards you report how it went.

--Elyah

Time for another summary (I think I'll just summarize the most recent section from now on, until the end):

ON THE STREET
59. Take a different road to avoid triggers.
60. The SA (or GYE) salute.
61. Custody of the eyes.
62. Paving stones and rooftops.
63. Flick your eyes to the top left.
64. Shake your head.
65. Snap the elastic band.
66. Don't breath through your nose.
67. "G-d, may I find in You what I'm looking for in that woman (etc.)"
68. "G-d, take away my lust. I pray for her (etc.)."
69. "G-d, please take away this image (or fantasy)"
70. Bookend risky situations.

IMPROVE RELATION WITH SELF

DECISION MAKING

71.  What's my next right action?

Ask yourself this question throughout the day, instead of running all day based on habit or impulse.  And, the LAST right action you can do is to go to bed early.

72.  Rushing is not sober.

Sober is peaceful and serene; you can let things happen on G-d's time instead of trying to squeeze instant results out of life the way that you and your ego would like them to happen.

If I remember correctly, I think I read once in a footnote to Even Shleima (by the Vilna Goan), to paraphrase:  The Yeitzer Tov is calm, whereas the Yeitzer Hara can be recognized because it is accompanied by a burning sense of urgency.

--Elyah

Some more questions to ask yourself:

73.  What would my sponsor do?

74.  What would my sponsor say?

After a while you get a feel for this.  For the forum, you might be able to ask yourself, "What would Dov say?"  Or 400004. 

But, if you actually CAN ask your sponsor, don't rely on your own opinion of what they might say.

--Elyah

 

Eye.nonymous wrote on 31 Jan 2012 12:41:



I love this one. I'm going to have to try it out. Now, where can I find an triggering woman to practice with......


The other day, I was waiting for an elevator and I saw a very attractive woman at my 8 o' clock (behind me on the left). I couldn't see properly but I could have turned around. Instead, I focused on the elevator doors and she was gone. That evening I heard Dovi of the Shmiras Eiynayim shiurim say in the name of Rabbi Chaim Vital z"l that the most precious moments of our lives are when we are overcoming nisyonos. Felt great.

75.  Take an action of love.

"We can't think our way into right acting, but we can act our way into right thinking."
      --AA slogan, if I'm not mistaken.

Or, "You can't heal a sick mind with a sick mind." 

    The more we THINK about what's wrong, the more we try to analyze ourselves, the more we try to figure out the cause of our lust or of our bad mood--especially all on our own, generally the WORSE things get.

    But, when we make an effort and take an action to do something helpful, considerate, and unselfish, it can often put us into a better place mentally, too.  It doesn't have to be something dramatic--like donating a kidney.  Even a small action (and, perhaps, especially a small action) will do the job.

    And, you probably all know the famous statement of the Sefer HaChinuch, to paraphrase, "Our thoughts follow after our actions."  We might not be able to control our thoughts, but we can control our actions (much more easily), and THROUGH THAT we can control our thoughts.

--Elyah

Blind Beggar wrote on 10 Feb 2012 08:10:


Hopefully you will already have your hands over your eyes so you won't see any.

Eye.nonymous wrote on 31 Jan 2012 12:41:



Elyah, this is number 2. Look:Eye.nonymous wrote on 08 Dec 2011 14:48:

Blind Beggar wrote on 10 Feb 2012 08:54:


...I guess that would be once for each eye!

--Elyah

76.  If I can't reach my sponsor, the answer is "no."

And, a similar idea:

77.  If in doubt, leave it out.

These are guiding principles for those questions where we think we have good motives, but perhaps our deeper motive is LUST.  Should I send an E-mail to that girl I used to know?  (It will be such a big kiddush hashem that she knows I'm religious now and learning Torah!)

Also, this is a good tool for life in general.  The addiction usually comes along with a host of other destructive emotions and tendencies--Especially anger and resentment, which makes us inclined to be argumentative, selfish, and even cruel.  Should I hurl that insult?  Should I send that nasty letter?  Should I finally criticize my wife about the way she makes the chollent (of course I'll say it nicely)--just to name a couple of examples.

If you're not sure, leave it out.  Sleep on it, or better yet--give it a week and see if you still feel like writing that letter or putting in that complaint.

Ignoring things, however, is also harmful.  Through recovery I have learned new, healthy, and mature ways to deal with such emotions without wreaking havoc in my life (basically, steps 4-9 if done with the guidance of someone who has taken this path before).

--Elyah

78.  Always have a plan, and use it.

We do better when we have a plan.  We need a plan for our day, and for our sobriety.  Stick to your plan, unless G-d has other ideas for you.

I spent a long time thinking that, because I was on the Duvid Chaim calls, that I'm "doing the steps," I'm in recovery, and I'm sober.  The truth is, unless I'm doing the steps, I'm not in recovery.  If I'm feeling anger or fear inside (which will eventually lead me to act out) I now have a set plan how to deal with it (basically steps 4 through 9).  If that doesn't work, I know I have to go back to the beginning (check out that steps 1 through 3 are in order).  If I don't follow that plan, I know I am not following my program of recovery.

If I have a general plan for my day, I will end up, and the end of the day, with less regrets, and with a greater sense of accomplishment.  This is very conducive to sobriety.

--Elyah

Here's another summary:

IMPROVE RELATION WITH SELF

DECISION MAKING
71. What's my next right action?
72. Rushing is not sober.
73. What would my sponsor do?
74. What would my sponsor say?
75. Take an action of love.
76. If I can't reach my sponsor, the answer is "no."
77. If in doubt, leave it out.
78. Always have a plan, and use it.
 

IMPROVE RELATION WITH SELF

GOOD ATTITUDES

79.  Abstinence from lust is the most important thing in my life without exception.

This includes family, career, and even religion.  Without sobriety, we will lose all of it.

"Good attitudes," can also be thought of as affirmations you can tell yourself.  Think about it:  We easily believe that we are worthless good-for-nothings because "That's what my parents told me over and over again."  Was it true?  No.  But we believe the constant criticism, though it was false, was able to shape the way we view ourselves and the way we act (or fail to act) throughout life.  Basically, it's propaganda, "Tell someone a lie enough times, they'll believe it." 

Now, THIS WORKS FOR THE POSITIVE, TOO!  Why not!  And, WE DON'T HAVE TO BELIEVE the message we are telling ourselves, either!  Just pick some positive messages to tell yourself, and keep telling them to yourself over and over again.  Don't analyze whether you believe it or not.  Don't spend time philosophizing about WHY you don't believe it, and HOW you can get yourself to MAYBE believe it at least a little bit.  If you do any of that, if you wrestle with the positive attitudes, IT BACKFIRES, and only reinforces the negative messages.  Just TELL it to yourself, over and over again.  Be WILLING to believe it--no matter how unbelieveable it may be to you right now.  Don't THINK about it much.  Little by little, it sinks in.  And, as you are trying to undo 20 or 30 or more years of previous negative programming, you need to give the new attitudes a while to sink in.  However, improvements, small change, will probably be noticable already without waiting too long.

--Elyah

80.  All hits are toxic; I refuse them.

If we fall short in avoiding triggers--especially the more subtle ones, it is still better to acknowledge that we are harming ourselves rather than to rationalize that such hits (like looking at tznius women in the streets) are really okay.  Also, keep things in perspective--if you are now 10 day clean from looking at pornography (your longest streak so far), don't go paranoid that you can't stop looking at women in the streets.  We strive for a progressive victory over lust.

81.  I won't act out--no matter what.

Be prepared for when the urge strikes:  Make sure you have an arsenal of recovery tools--such as a list of phone numbers, a list of activities that help you sober up, writing exercises (perhaps), etc.

And, I can't emphasize this enough--keep track of the activities and even the thoughts and moods that PRECEED a lust attack.  Keep a look out for THOSE; it's easier to cheer yourself up from a bad mood than to walk away from your computer when you're one click away from P*rn (and feeling compelled to look at it).  In this way you can catch yourself hours, or days, and sometimes weeks before that fully-fledged lust attack strikes.

--Elyah  (I am aware that my comments put me at risk of being cross-referenced).

Elyah, this thread of yours is pure gold! thank you very much for putting it together