Although it’s been over 2 weeks since I last posted, and the experience I went through emotionally has dimmed somewhat, I will try to recapture and reflect on what I went through. When I put out my previous post, I was in full lust mode, like I hadn’t been in around 2 years. There were times during my current journey that I felt myself slipping, but this time it was different. Not only in intensity, but I almost felt like I wanted to “by mistake, on purpose (can’t explain what that means, if you’ve been there, you understand) mess up”. The only thing that kept me from taking it to the next level was the fear of losing my streak. But I was willing to explore anything that wouldn’t mess it up. I felt like for the first time in a very long time, the YH was completely in the drivers seat, and I was a meek passenger going along for his ride. It was brought on by some factors that are beyond my control, that I allowed to get me down. I allowed the YH to slowly stick his foot in the door, then make himself comfortable, and finally take charge. My main mistake was spending approximately four days in this situation, knowing that I had friends that could and would help me, yet I didn’t, and was too emotionally depleted to reach out. I mentioned to my wife (not for everyone) that I’m going through a difficult time lust wise, and it was she that pushed me to reach out to my GYE friends. I was too tired and lazy to do so, so I figured the next best thing was to post, which I did. Not ten minutes went by when the calls, texts, and responses started coming. It took another day for the lusting to subside, but thankfully it passed. The core issues weren’t resolved, but I find it amazing that things that seem completely overwhelming one day, can feel almost trivial the next. One can live life with challenges and still really be happy. I can’t begin to thank everyone that reached out, it is all to your credit that I was able to eventually pull through without falling. Better late than never, but going forward, the lesson I’ve learnt, is better right away and on time, than late.

TYVM!

next time you go, keep in mind the Kosover Rabbi, is right there on the right side of the Rivnitzer, he was known to help people all day long especially in this area so now that he's up in heaven i'm sure he's continuing helping people there even on an higher level.

I'm just sayin that I felt the extra סייעתא דשמיא today, thank you!!! 

I'm also just sayin that if there is anyone I know that I could have pictured spending the time davening for all your brethren at the Kever it would be you! There ain't many like you, what a friend!! We're all so lucky to have you as part of this best family ever!!

BIG HUG,
מנוחת הנפש

Had a good summer, in terms of staying away from the bad stuff. Didn't lust too much. Overall was a good, productive, and busy summer. However, I wasted a ton of time on following sports and politics. This lead too a significant disconnect in other areas of Avodas Hashem. My life challenge doesn't make things easier. I want to upgrade my connection to Hashem, especially over the Yomim Noraim. I've made קבלות in the past, hoping that it would lead to more learning and better Davening, with pretty limited success. I'm telling myself, that maybe if I try to go completely off sports and politics by banning all recitational internet usage until after Yom Kippur, it will hopefully impact my relationship with Hashem in a positive way. So far since the 2nd day of Rosh Chodesh Elul, I've been successful. Hope it leads me to good places. All joiners welcome!

Good Shabbos Friends

amevakesh wrote on 29 Aug 2025 16:47:

Kol hakovod and Hatzlocha on your continued growth.  

I have found that the best way to be successful with this is to expand your asei tov commitments in a clear organized way so that there isn’t as much time available for the distractions that waste your time. 

To spell out what R' Vehkam is saying, if you spend so much time on sports etc. that indicates that you have a lot of free time. Add more learning and good deeds to your schedule to fill it up.

For example, do you learn Daf Yomi?

frank.lee wrote on 30 Aug 2025 19:49:

If you'll permit me push back a little on your peirush of this very crucial advice Vehkam is giving, I'd like to say it a little differently. It's not excess free time necessarily. I personally know I had almost no free time, and yet somehow managed to waste endless hours on lust, porn, news, novels, and other internet inanities. Since pesach I have been vastly more successful in this area. At least if you don't count the workplace (which I think is a fair thing to do.) 

What changed? I took on amud yomi. I had almost no free time. But this forced a structure and a manageable goal that I do in the minutes and spaces in between my other responsibilities. So when I have 15 minutes of downtime instead of firing up the computer for 10 minutes and sitting there for an hour, as was a pretty typical occurrence, I turn to my commitment. Funnily enough, when I started I really didn't expect the positive effect it would have in this area. I stam wanted to to start amud yomi. 

I think if you ask @amavakesh, he'll tell you he doesn't have a second more in the day for another thing. And he's probably right. This yetzer hara is like a vampire - sucking away time from other important things whenever it gets a bite in. But Vehkam's eitzah of finding an aseh tov commitment that can counter-vampire, that will inspire you and push you and pull the time out of the jaws of the yetzer hara, still works.

The important thing is finding a goal you are motivated to accomplish and gives you just the right amount of pressure. Which is tough, but doable with some thought. Like everything else, this isn't a solution but it is a pretty powerful tool in many ways.

I would like to throw out an idea. I would love to hear the feedback of the GYE family. As all the פריעדיגע צדיקים & גדולים always said about the tremendous סגולה of learning אוהח״ק, it’s a סגולה on everything and especially to help in ענייני קדושה, so I’m thinking maybe someone can arrange a schedule for the GYE members so we all learn as a group that would have a major effect on all of us and the world as well.
I’m part of R Meilech biderman chabira which they publish every week 1 page of different שטיקלעך which I’m happy to post here every week but I wanna hear if anyone has any other ideas of feedback on this idea

Thank you for all the responses. Chosemyshem you nailed it! I don't have time for anything else in my day. My daily schedule, when adhered to properly, has more then enough inspiration to connect me to Hashem. The problem is when the YH leeches on to it, and my mind becomes consumed with all the other Shtusim that the world has to offer. It then becomes the joy in my day, when my team wins and the disappointment when they lose. Why should I care about what they do? What a waste of emotion! Decluttering the static in my brain, will hopefully transfer the passion and joy to the day to day things I'm doing anyway in my schedule. My goal for now is to work on חדשו מעשיכם, שפרו מעשיכם. To enhance the same schedule and make it better. To have it capture my mind and emotion. I dream of the day that I'll "get lost" in a Sugya, that my mind naturally wanders into. To have spiritual concepts be the thing uppermost in my mind. At least for the ימים נוראים, I'm gonna try.

Yesterday I was struck by an epiphany. 

As detailed above, I decided to take on a קבלה of no news and sports until after יו"כ. So far, I’ve managed to stick to it. No radio, no recreational internet usage. If I hear about news that I want to check out, I call Kol Mevaser. BH, I think it has yielded decent results so far. Even though, I’ve been tempted to check the news, or follow sports once or twice, I feel that as a result of abstaining, there’s been a slight improvement in other areas of my רוחניות that makes it all worth it, and helps me stick to it. It’s not quite the level I was hoping for, but every level of תורה or עבודה, no matter how small, it worth fighting for.

The past week, there were 3 different events in the news that did reach me by word of mouth. First, the tragic shooting and killing of 6 and many more injured of אחינו בני ישראל in EY. Second, the failed bombing attempt of the IDF in Quatar. And third, the murder of Charlie Kirk. 

My reaction to these three events were very different then each other, and when I realized the difference, it left me quite uneasy. When I heard about the first, my reaction was to sigh and I thought “Nebach a few more Korbonos”. Unfortunately, I’ve become desensitized to tragedies in EY. I remember the reaction we all had after Oct. 7. The broken hearted, tear filled תפילות that came naturally, passionately, from the depths of my heart. As time went on, and every day in the war brought a few more of our boys killed in action, it slowly became a way of life. Unfortunately, the incessant barrage of news, began to dull my sensitivities, and the sharp pangs of sorrow upon hearing about tragedy after tragedy, began to soften. 

Fast forward to this week. I’ve written in the past, how there were times, that I watched many political Youtube videos. One of the people I enjoyed watching was the victim of yesterday’s murder. I found him to be extremely intelligent, a great debater, and very entertaining. The way he demolished his liberal opponents by making them them feel so dumb, in such a subtle way, had me coming back for more whenever I wasn’t in a good place. I rationalized, he’s defending Israel, and many values that I hold dear, so it’s okay. In reality, Youtube is never okay. One clip leads to a more questionable clip, and if I were to be brutally honest with my self, in his debates alone, not all of the participants were people I should be watching. I wouldn’t want my kids watching them, why should I be any different. 

Anyway, when I heard that he was killed, I admit that I was sad. I thought of his poor wife and children, his parents. Then I thought, who’s going to defend and educate all of “our” conservative values to the youth on university campuses. While the first reaction might be justified, IMHO the second one, has no place in a believing Jews mind. Then all of the sudden, it hit me like a ton of bricks. Why am I thinking more about this guy’s wife and kids, more then the families of my 6 fellow Yidden, who were קדושים, יראים, ושלימים? What a distorted perception of reality? Yes, he was a good person, a family man, good values and all, but  סוף כל סוף, ער איז געווען א גוי. What made me sad was that I felt almost a sort of kinship with him that I didn’t feel with my own brethren. How can this be? Every individual Yid is worth an infinite amount of גוים. Even if there wouldn’t be a grieving family, any Yid lost is a colossal loss to all of עם ישראל and makes us all incomplete. We are not the same every time we lose a member. Multiply it many times over when we’re talking about יראים ושלימים. It’s true, deep down, I do care about my brothers more than this guy, and perhaps the reason I don’t spend as much time focusing on our own, is because if I do it’ll be too painful to bear, so instead I just give a Krechtz and move on. But, why do I feel that pull to the sensationalism of something that doesn’t affect me in the slightest? How can a random American patriot occupy more head space in my brain then my own brothers? 

The only way to explain it, is that the constant following of the news and occasional entertainment that I watched, slowly but surely, chipped away at the reality and healthy worldview that the lens of Torah teaches. Every tidbit of information makes an indelible impression on the brain and bit by bit, fritters away the truth of a Torah perspective. What should evoke a strong emotional response, quickly becomes a news item, and what should only trigger a mild one, becomes distorted out of proportion. 

Reigning in my curiosity from the news, has other benefits. It has had a direct impact on my Shmiras Einayim in general. Being able to not take that second look is a lot easier when one learns to control their curiosity. תפילתי לקל עליון, that I should be Zoche to control my curiosity, and the desire for התחדשות, should be channeled in to the realm of רוחניות and not misused for news and the like.