Since ר"ח אדר, when my קבלה expired, I feel like a kid that was restricted from his pacifier who's finally getting it back. That intoxicating feeling of freedom to do what I restricted myself from doing until now. Like the first day of בין הזמנים‚ which is usually my worst שמירת העניים wise. Usually it takes a day or two until I find the balance of feeling the freedom in healthy way. I hope to rebound from the little indulgences that I allowed my self to enjoy yesterday, and I have to drive it in to my thick skull, that just because something isn't considered a fall by GYE standards, it's still not okay. It's not okay to go on a site for recreation, even if I have no intention of clicking on something questionable, if I know there will be questionable images that I can see out the corner of my eyes. When will I ever have the feeling of living with purpose, where I don't have the need to look for all these שטותים? When?

amevakesh wrote on 03 Mar 2025 14:43:

Perhaps instead of making temporary kabbolas that expire. Try making permanent kabbolas that are sustainable with the goal of increasing the level of the kabbala after a given amount of success.  

In the mir we always say that the most important thing is to be a מבקש! keep it up, and continue climbing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

altehmirrer wrote on 03 Mar 2025 17:59:

No silly, not @Amevakesh

vehkam wrote on 03 Mar 2025 15:45:

My first reaction to this post was, "easier said then done". Permanent קבלות, even very small ones are difficult. The YH always tries to get me to relapse to where I was before. The best I can do is a temporary one, and hope that it sticks. But then I gave the matter more thought, and I think I am gonna try something out for a week and see how it goes. If it's not too hard then I will בל"נ try to make it permanent. So for the next week, I'm being מקבל בל"נ, not to go online at all (including emails) unless it's absolutely necessary, until after Shachris. May Hashem give me the strength to make it permanent.

at least the clocks changing this week, you can daven early!

How do you know where I live?

I'm such a klutz, just realized that their changing it a hour later............, i guess things are different here in the mir, or wait a sec. am i in burma? confused. good luck either way @amevakesh! hope this works!

amevakesh wrote on 07 Mar 2025 17:44:

You mean the sundials

Been speaking with a few people, and I heard the same thing from 2 of them, so I thought I’ll share something I think is obvious, just in case some people don’t. 

There’s a tremendous amount of validation that’s shared on this site. So many posts all point to the fact, that despite the fact that one has sinned, it doesn’t change the fact that one can still be good person, an 'עובד ה, even a Tzaddik. It’s just that he has struggles that bring him down, from time to time, sometimes all the time, perhaps he’s an אונס, because he started when he was young, and didn’t have the right perspective yet. All this is 100% true and must be conveyed to any person that comes on looking for Chizzuk, seeking validation. 

However, I’ve recently spoken to a couple of people that have dabbled with the more serious end of the struggles that go on over here (in person encounters), and they each told me that the reason they even entertained these actions was because there was so much validation, so they thought, if I do this and this, it doesn’t change the fact that I’m a good person so I might as well indulge and enjoy.

I’m not ח"ו suggesting that we tone down the validation that’s peddled on the site, to the contrary, we should ramp it up, validation is one of those things that you can never do enough of, however, it must be given over with a clear understanding, that although one who sins can still be considered a good person, it doesn’t change 2 simple facts. The עבירה is a terrible one, and the blemish it creates on a Neshomo is an awfully ugly one, which isn’t easy to remove. You may still be a good guy, but good guys are capable of doing terrible things. Secondly, and more importantly, nothing destroys your life more then an addiction of any sort. The addiction to lust, in all its variations, colors, and shades, can completely mess up your עולם הזה. It goes without saying that people that are at the point of acting out in person, are putting themselves at great risk. Their risking losing their marriages, families, health, and so much more. Just yesterday, I heard that a guy in my city was the victim of extortion, after hooking up with some זונה, by her manager, who took a picture of this guys license, and threatened to contact his family, unless he paid a ridiculous amount of money. But even the guys who’s struggles are “only” screen based, just go through some of the posts that depict the tremendous pain people are in. What it does to marriages, kills the possibility of genuine relationships, the yucky feeling of hypocrisy that robs one of any semblance of מנוחת הנפש. Worst of all, as detailed so accurately in this post, it will never satisfy. One thinks, if I only indulge in this sight, that’ll be it. Never happened, never will. It’s like salt water, you think your quenching your thirst, only to find yourself more thirsty then you were before. It’s just not worth it.

Best wishes to all, for a truly Freilichen Purim!!!

Fantastic point, though I think I know an EMT who might disagree with you.

Although I'm all for the harsh truths, I'll throw out a counterpoint b'toras devil's advocate. I'm not responsible if someone uses something I say to justify their improper behavior when they would find something else to justify that behavior regardless. No one is actually getting convinced that it's okay to act out since they read someone's post saying they're a HEROtm. They're acting out cause they want to and cause they're sick, and are looking for justifications. They'd find a different justification if that one wasn't around. Too happy, too sad, too tempted, too big of a rasha, too big of a tzadik. Everything's a reason to act out when you're sick.

They're blaming the validation on the site because they're looking for something to blame.

As someone who's been there and done that, all i will say is that if you choose to live a life of validated hell then by all means..........

But if you are ready to live a life of realness, of connection and of accomplishment, then please realize, that yes i might need/deserve validation to get out of it, but it's still way harder and a lot more to deal with.

(i might add that you are only validated if your sincerely working on recovering......, not so sure but quite possible)

So Amevakesh when are you going to give public soul searingly honest mussar shmuzzen?  Incredible stuff written here....

chosemyshem wrote on 13 Mar 2025 20:37:

You may not be responsible, but that's not my point at all. I'm also not suggesting that we tone down the validation in any way shape or form (as seems to be understood by some), I think it should be increased. And you may be right that some may misuse the validation to fuel their lust, and it's not my problem if they do. However, in the little experience that I have, these hard truths did succeed in stopping the slide that they were going through, because they simply needed a little cold water thrown at them. This approach isn't for everyone either, although the facts are true for everyone. The guy himself may be and is (likely) a Tzaddik, but the acts are damaging, and terrible. Also, this should only be shared after validating and really believing in it. Fake validation is worthless or close to it. But after you've told him how great a person he really is (which is 100% true), and he feels that you mean it, a little hard truths shouldn't scare anyone away.
hashem help me wrote on 13 Mar 2025 23:00:

Exactly what I was afraid of. I have a fear of coming across as too preachy. Just was trying to share what I found worked for other guys. I see I wasn't successful. Oh well..... But as an aside, when you see the good in everyone like HHM does, that's what creates the legend of a man he is, Then the validation is real and that itself is what makes his legendary slegehammer so effective. People will accept it when they're built up and they feel what you're telling them about themselves is true, how special they are etc. Okay גענוג געדארשענט! 


Marbim Besimcha everyone!!! L'Chaim!!!

Rebbe u'Mori Amevakesh,


Thank you for shining a light on a very important issue.
If I didn't know better I would say you are turning into a Kutzker (just kidding)

If I can just add my own very inflated 2 cents. (super inflated. Did you see the prices in the grocery?)

Shem is absolutely correct! One is not responsible if someone else uses the encouragement given to him as a license or excuse to act out.
But I think the point can be made that for some people (perhaps a minority) hearing a little hard truth can be helpful. While it is definitely true that as a general rule, our generation can not handle searing mussur, but it is possible that there are some people who can handle a limited amount of it. This obviously would have to be together with an overwhelming amount of positive encouragement. But the point is the same.

I understand it like this:
FEAR is a good thing. A very imperfect example is that we have a healthy fear of death or bodily harm. If we did not, we would never look before crossing the street which would have tragic consequences. It is a good thing to have a fear of falling. It can serve as  a motivator to keep our guard up. The problem starts when that fear does not motivate, but instead brings a feeling of hopelessness  and helplessness If that happens then the fear is being used in the wrong way. I heard from Rav Volbe ZT"L that anyone who gets depressed learning mussar is learning mussar wrong. This is in spite of the fact that learning mussar with the accompining cheshbon hanefesh can sometimes be a little unsettling because we are forced to face our own shortcomings. But we can use that to get better. He told me mussar is supposed to be inspiring. Again this does not negate the need to speak the positive and even more then the negative. A lot more. But hearing the hard truth, for those who can handle it, can help bring a healthy fear of doing the wrong thing. This is obviously not just regarding kedusha that we deal with on GYE. It goes to every aspect of yiiddeshkite. Personally, I  have a special affection for the writings of the Chafetz Chaim ZT"L. One of the reasons is because whatever topic he is discussing (Shmiras Halashon, limmud hatorah, shabbos, tahara etc.) he always brings us the entire issue. He spends a many perakim speaking of the positive and the negative of whatever topic he is discussing. Because the truth is, that we never lose our status  of a yid and a beloved child to hashem no matter what we do. But there is a lot to lose when we fall short. And conversely so much more to gain when we stay strong! 

Of course, I reiterate that the positive must be more then the negative. And there are many people who can not handle even that so for them it would be counterproductive to bring it up. Another thing is that the negative should obviously not be given on a public forum. This forum should only be positive (unless it is a given in general terms and not directed at any specific person). Additionally, it would depend on where in a person journey to freedom he is holding. I would think that hearing the negative at the beginning would be extremely damaging, but at some point, depending on the person, it would be helpful to bring up these hard truths.

It is for this reason that I am so blown away by some of the mentors that I have been zoche to get to know on GYE. Not only do they take the time to help people get to freedom, but they take the time to get to know us personally  to see what works for each individual.  I am in full agreement about HHM.

Thank you again  Amevakesh  for bringing this up!!