Hi there, my dear friends and brothers!
A thought
We all came here to find help. We realized that things have got to change, so we came here hoping to learn how to change. Now, sometimes, or maybe most times, or maybe always, we need to hear what we have been doing wrong, and what we have to do differently in order to change.
Fact: It is not geshmak to hear our faults.
Now, most of the posts in the last while have been very friendly and welcoming, validating. Even though Cordnoy is not so happy about it:) But the question is, what about when guys need a real good open heart surgery?
Now, first thing is, the vast majority of us ARE NOT HEART SURGEONS! And if we'll start giving the guy criticism we'll just kill him instead of helping him. We have to show him care and concern, welcome him and make him feel loved.
But this guy needs to know that he needs to hear certain things that he is doing wrong and how he can fix them. I believe that most people will only accept criticism if it is given with heart, with caring, with love, with concern. Maybe yechidai segula are so truthful that they can hear criticism with no love and caring whatsoever and they will accept it. I venture to say that besides for Cordnoy I have not yet met someone who can be that way. For us simple folk, we are too weak. We have to know that the guy telling us what needs to be fixed really cares! And That happens when there's a relationship, when there's connection, you can know that the guy cares about you.
Which leads me to the next question. So let's say there's a guy here, and he needs to hear something that he needs to change. Is it possible for him to hear that on the forum, when he has no idea if anybody cares? If he's not connected, if he has not created a relationship, then he does not know that the words are being said from a place of caring, of concern. So how helpful can they be? Which leads me to conclude that true change will only occur if we connect to people in a real way. And the people they connect to really care about them. And they feel it. And then we can, hopefully, with a lot of work, change

It is completely cyber, so the problem is “cyber” as is the validation as is the help and the criticism. It is all fake.
It only becomes real after becoming a human connection not an anonymous cyber connection.

the name of the thread “ Real connection”, is impossible via an online forum. What you are saying is correct when the person is looking for “real connection” not a screen connection.

shmira101 wrote on 27 Aug 2023 22:50:

Through the online forum , I've met several very real & special people

Thanks Eerie for this post! As always Eerie with a huge smile and big heart thinking of others even on an anonymous forum.

There is a difference between criticism and advice. Usually when someone posts he wants to hear the oilams take. Of course it should be conveyed in a respectful and caring way. When someone says something agav and you realize its dead wrong if its absolutely necessary to correct, then it must be caked in care or only alluded to... Just my humble feelings....

redfaced wrote on 27 Aug 2023 23:05:

Yup my point exactly! It’s got to lead somewhere further, not stop at the forums. Only then does the point of proper “mussar” and growth oriented conversion really help, until then it’s a band-aid.

Eerie wrote on 27 Aug 2023 22:43:

R' Eerie, I think caring (and showing it) is very important in giving reproof. I also think sometimes it is difficult to accept mussar about our mistakes because it can make someone feel helpless- "I know I am wrong, now what?" If the reproof comes with genuine recognition that the person can change, and with guidance and direction with the change, it can change the game. Like R' Meir Shapiro (I think) said- anyone can proclaim  לא־טוב הדבר אשר אתה עשה, the chiddush of Yisro was that he followed up with a solution- ואתה תחזה מכל־העם אנשי־חיל יראי אלהים אנשי אמת שנאי בצע ושמת עלהם שרי אלפים שרי מאות שרי חמשים ושרי עשרת. Understanding that a fellow may not yet be able to see himself as someone who can change, and encourage him in that space is oichet a zach. In particular, sharing out struggles in a way that relates to the person and what helped for us can be a huge chizzuk to the guy.  

bright wrote on 28 Aug 2023 04:08:

R' Eerie - you are the caring warm friend that is here for all, and you also are here to help people bring the relationship up a notch. Kol Hakavod to you, and thank you!!

I agree with you and Shmira that much of the genuine, long term work, can involved genuine-full relationships. Many of which can (and have!) grow out of these initial contact points.  I thank Hashem for these friendships, which have changed my life!!

However, I do feel that there is a lot of growth that can be accomplished through the valid and often though-provoking discussions here. There is a ton of wisdom and experience in these threads. i have learned, and continue to learn,  so so much.
In that context I agree with Bright and Richtig - There is place and value for healthy advice, and even gentle, asked for, constructive help. 

But bashing and saying hurtful things generally only accomplishes alienation....

Eerie - please keep on delivering your truckloads of Chizzuk!!! We all need it!!

Bright, I really loved your distinction. Agreed. 
Shmira, that WAS my point, my friend! That the forum is a great starting point, but in order to be able to hear people's constructive criticism we must go past the forum. Develop real connections with real people, and hopefully we will be able to hear their reproof when necessary and work on ourselves to change
Reb Chaim, Rosh Yeshivaseinu, all the way from forest where you can see the Gadol of Grodno, I never said or meant to minimize the forum and the many things there are to learn here. I am giving is another reason why it is important to reach out and develop a real connection

I will add, if people post advice that you feel is wrong and can be detrimental, it is important to make your point RESPECTFULLY. But remember, you might be wrong. So don't get carried away....
Wishing all my dear friends a wonderful rest of your day...and a happy Elul

He'arah:
Somebody reached out to me that my first post might not be so respectful to Cordnoy. He added that he felt I am many times not fully respecful of him
I would like to make something clear. I'm a nobody who showed up here one day not so long ago after I fell yet again. I say what I think should be said, but I don't know anything that Cordnoy does. I have immense respect for him. All that wrote here and most places is to be undertsood in a manner of good-natured kidding around. The above post is actually written with real respect. I really believe that he can take truth just because it's true even if he didn't feel the guy cared about him. That does not mean I agree with his way of expressing ideas. I posted somewhere that we would all be in the woods without him, I believe

And the bigger he'arah is that this whole thread is inspired by the Cordnoy. I realized that so many people see and read the nice posts, which are the way to go in my humble opinion, but then they miss out on people pointing out where they went wrong. And it is important for people to learn to hear what they need to change. Yes, be soft, be caring, be kind, show some love and share some hugs. And then, in the kindest way possible, try to offer direction to those that can use it. Like me