I knew that the p was bad.  I stopped the p for a few months and then wondered why I still felt so horrible. It wasn't until I joined GYE that I realized that the problem is p&m, either or together.  So then I also stopped the m.  Now I'm here.  This is the first time that I'm doing both together, and I'm truly amazed at the results.

I have been struggling with this problem consciously for 15 years, sub-consciously for over 25.  This "streak" doesn't show any of that work.  In all this time, what works for me -- to keep climbing that hill even after so many failures -- is faith.  I've always believed that G-d has a plan and I put my trust in that plan.

All this time I have also been looking for answers.  I know that there are many opinions out there.  The answers are not always clear.  I will have to learn to forgive myself for holding on to the wrong answer for so long.  I will have to learn to forgive others for echoing the wrong answer, not sheltering me, neglecting my development into a mature adult.

I will have to learn to let go of the anger and resentment of wasted time.  I will have to learn to manage my anger without p or m.

What works for me has been reading a lot of books about anger management, self-discipline, and cognitive behavioral therapy.  I've read true stories, biographies and auto-biographies of people who have overcome roadblocks, surmounted obstacles and prevailed over challenging circumstances.  They have inspired me so that now as I work on this problem, I can do it with all of these tools and resources.

What works for me is understanding that the anger wasn't triggering the m.  It was the other way around.  The m was feeding the anger.

There is no merit in anger.

אין זכות בכעס.