I discovered something today. I had a strong urge, but when I payed attention I found I didn't really want to watch porn or masturbate, even though I was tempted. What I really wanted was sex, of course. I'd love to say I really wanted kosher sex, but I'm not sure if that was true at the moment or just wishful thinking after the fact. In any case, when I noticed what I really wanted, watching porn and masturbating just didn't seem worth it, and I was able to stay clean and move on with my day. The victory is bittersweet. It's much better than acting out but I'm left feeling down about being single.

Wow amazing u were able to think at such a time. Impressive!
Are u in shidduchim? U dating?

No, it would be risky to date now because I'm not sure about my own path in life. I want to work on myself and figure myself out better first.

Your honesty is great. One question - your desire for sex is really for the sexual act, or is it for intimacy and warmth?

It is a combination. Part of it is a desire for intimacy and warmth generally, part of it is for intimacy and warmth with a distinctly feminine and sexual character, part of it is a desire to express myself in a distinctly masculine way, and part of it is a desire for the act itself. I think the act itself is less of a motivator for me than the others.

A desire for intimacy and warmth is a healthy normal wish. By now you have realized that neither masturbating nor watching pornography will ever satisfy that desire.  So you are bh heading in the correct direction. Iyh you will find a wife who will satisfy your healthy and wholesome wishes at the right time. This will iyh protect you from attempting to fill the hole with lustful emptiness.

One thing that helps with the desire for masculine expression is engaging in competitive activity with male friends and family, such as performing music or philosophical argument. Other hobbies like DIY car maintenance help too. This doesn't help with feminine intimacy or sexual desire but it's still something, and it helps improve my skills, which is valuable in its own right.