If you are on this thread, chances are you are "in the Parsha". Welcome!
As a fellow bochur who's been dating for over a year now I feel there is a need for a thread for us to air our feelings and emotions and support one another on the shidduch rollercoaster. Many times when a shidduch didn't work out I've felt so depressed that I just threw in the towel and watched things and acted out. Hopefully through this thread we can all have a place to support each other through the ups and downs as we stay clean on the journey to finding our Basherts and building our own Bayis Ne'eman B'Yisroel.

In the same boat

Wrote the below a few days ago.

guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/349508-A-Huge-Yasher-Koach-for-22-Days%21

Wow, sorry it didn't work out but kudos to you for getting right back up again.

The past couple of days have been a real rollercoaster for me.

I’ve been dating for a year now and although I’ve been redd Shidduchim and went out I never really felt that this one was right…until last week. After doing my research I went out on the first date a wad or nerves (the usual first date nerves plus the fact that it was a Covid-era date in someone’s backyard). It went really well. I floated home. For the first time I actually felt that this was the right girl for me. We had the same interests and had no trouble filling a few hours with pleasant conversation. The quick ‘yes’ I got from the Shadchan that night for a second date only solidified my feelings that this one was ‘right’. Of course the days between the first date and the second date I was a mess of nerves, could barely eat anything and had trouble falling asleep but I knew that it was normal and hopefully would pass. The second date came and started off nicely with good conversation and a little board game. All in all it went okay but kind of fizzled out at the end. I attributed it to trying to date outside on an unseasonably cold May afternoon. I wanted to give it another try but the Shadchan said she didn’t think it was shayach. I level 100% with you I really thought this one was it. I know it sounds crazy because we only went out twice but after the dates I’ve had this past year this one went so well.

That was Sunday. Monday I was drowning in depression. I didn’t want to do anything. Learn, read, talk, nothing. The thing is, even though I’ve been struggling with watching and acting out, in the days leading up to the first date and between the first and second date I had absolutely no urges (around 2 weeks), the thought didn’t even cross my mind to act out. I knew with the depression I was feeling it was only a matter of time until my brain started urging me to escape but I still didn’t have an urge, didn’t think I would get one, my emotional compass was so out of whack. And then it started…

I reached out to some chashuve GYE members and had long talks with them. Ultimately I gave in and watched and acted out. After that I threw in the towel and watched again with acting out a few hours later.

I guess what I hope my goal here is, is to have a place to let those feelings out as they are happening, the apprehension, the excitement, and the disappointment. I know everyone experiences this in some form or another so hopefully by all getting it out and commiserating and supporting each other we can give each other chizuk and keep from falls.

For me? After all this I am keeping my head up. I have to meet with the Shadchan…time to move on.

Sorry bro. That bites.

My experience too has been with the flurry of shidduch excitement I also have no urge to act out. But when things come crashing down, get out of my way! I think that's normal, maybe.

Keep on going!

Great posts.
In my history there were two issues at hand regarding shidduch disappointment.

1. I had never learned healthy self soothing techniques. How to deal with pain, frustration, stress, anger. So - what's the cheapest and fastest way to release? Acting out. That became a terribly ingrained habit which was utilized for all types of disappointments - shidduchim amongst them.

2. In my completely warped understanding of sexuality, marriage was going to be THE solution. A wife would be the final relief - a kosher masturbating tool. When a prospective shidduch fell apart, the thought was, "Well Hashem, you had Your chance. I can't go without ejaculating for more than a little bit, but with this shidduch there was light at the end of the tunnel so I stayed in control for You. Now that it's over, there is no hope in sight...", and I would act out with a vengeance - almost as if I was "punishing" Hashem. Truthfully it was just the searing pain - and back then there was no one to share that turmoil with. Nobody could validate my sexual confusion and trauma (I know that is a strong word, but it is not an exaggeration - see my threads). Worst of all, nobody could correct my way of thinking which was sick. As discussed in many threads, there is no need to ejaculate/masturbate, and one can get back in control with guidance.

Hatzlocha to all the singles out there. You are so fortunate that you have the ability to get all this off your chests, which in and of itself lowers anxiety/depression - both major triggers of acting out. You also can iyh learn the truth about sexuality before getting married and spare yourself and future wives much unnecessary aggravation. Lastly, you realize that you are not reshaim and losers for having this struggle. This site is proof that you are from a very large group (probably a strong majority) of solid, good, erliche, normal guys who Hashem presented with this formidable challenge. Be proud that you are from those that are reaching out for help and doing something about it.

May Hashem help all of you find "the right one" quickly and easily and may you build beautiful homes that the Shechina will feel welcome in.