In the not too distant past, I used to belong to the Yetzer Hara. He knew he had a trusted friend in me, and he didn't have to worry about how to get me to sin. All he had to do is put the thought in my head, and there I was standing erect (pun intended)ready to sin!
It's not that i didn't know better, as i was raised in a very religious household and I knew exactly what was right and what wasn't. I just pretended that I had no choice, and that the Yetzer Hara had a grip on me that I couldn't get out of. So, as time went on I didn't even bother fighting, I just went along with him.
It started with small things and turned into a total disregard for Hasjem and his Torah: Coming late to shul turned into not going to shul at all. Eating without a Bracha turned into not davening at all. Sneaking a peek at an attractive female turned into a full blown sex addiction.
Soon enough, my entire day was consumed with sinning!
I woke up in the morning, didnt bother washing my hands or davening, and ate a nice breakfast without washing or bentching.
On the way to work i would listen to the most vile radio stations I could find, and often masturbated in my car in traffic, just for the thrill of it! (yes, I was very bad)
At work I would check out various websites that should never be seen by anyone, let alone a religious Jew! I would lie, steal and cheat just to get what I wanted! My entire day was consumed with pleasuring myself, and not a moment was spent thinking about Hashem.
The only time I went to shul was on Shabbos, and even then i spent my time there shmoozing and speaking Lashon Hara, and did not bother to respect the sanctity of Hashem's house of worship.
I can go on and on,, but I think you get my point: I was dressed like jew, but my heart was the heart of a sinner and my actions were the actions of a sinner; I was a sinner. Kosher meant nothing, Shabbos meant nothing, Taharas Hamispacha meant nothing etc. etc.
I did not sin to anger Hashem, rather out of the pursuit of what I perceived to be pleasure.
Each time I transgressed a sin of a sexual nature (be it myself or with someone else) deep in my heart I regretted it, and had no real pleasure from it afterwards, yet I was too weak to truly change my ways and become a different person. On many occasions I resolved to change and become the good Jew that i knew I could be, but that resolve usually disippated and I remained the same old sinner that i used to be.
Then something happened one day (which I am still not ready to relate here, but hope to eventually) that in retrospect i see was hashem's way of giving me an ultimatum:
"My dear son" Hashem said (his is how I perceived it) " You must make a decision now and repent for good become the good son that I know you can be, or your life from today and on will be a miserable hell and you won't be able to walk the streets out of shame and embarrassment"
That day I was totally torn as to which way to go. I was debating giving it all up, and going to live a life devoid of Torah and Mitzvos, but also devoid of any true happiness of family, friends and truth; that would have been the easier decision at the time!
Baruch Hashem, Hashem gave me the fortitude to choose the other path, the path of truth. It was not easy. It was not without pitfalls. It was not without pain and suffering. But I did it! I truly regretted everything bad I had done in the previous 20 years of my life. I regretted the fateful decisions I made in transgressing the fundamentals of Yiddishkeit.
I accepted many guidelines upon myself, and perhaps some things are perceived as radical, but I had no choice but to make a sharp turn. A turn inthe right direction.
One day I went into a private room and recited the long Vidui of Rabbeinu Nissim, which enumerates hundreds of sins. I was crying like a baby as I realized that I have transgressed nearly each and every one over and over again!
I was a sinner. But no more!
The Yetzer Hara tried to convince me that I was hurting people by turning my back on them. (This may have been true, that I in fact hurt the feelings of the (mostly) women that I was involved with in one way or another in various relationships of Aveira by simply disappearing from their lives). I recognized it as a ploy and didnt fall for it Baruch Hashem.
I am rambling, and I apologize for that.
Let me end by saying that I am far from where I need to be, but Baruch Hashem I am very far as well from the low point where I was, and I will never ever allow myself to fall to those depths of hell again.
The main thing that I think we all can agree on is that the only way to grow spiritually is to learn more Torah, daven more, do as many mitzvos as you can, and lean on each other (because no one else understands us) for chizzuk and friendship.
Chazak V'Ematz to all! May Hashem keep us strong and steadfast in our ongoing battle against the Yetzer Hara!
