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Few Suggestions
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TOPIC: Few Suggestions 1590 Views

Few Suggestions 06 Nov 2018 05:58 #337039

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Some random suggestions - 
1) Eating very little at dinner time. To fast during the day does not make sense, we can't focus on work, can't focus on learning, not ourselves. But when you get home or the dining hall for dinner, maybe skip (for example during Elul) or have a very restrictive diet - just a yogurt, something small. Having a snack in the afternoon is ok, but at night be hungry (but not consistently too hungry or else this won't work so drink a coffee, have some water, a protein shake, a granola bar - your choice- but don't even try to get to the main course because then maybe little extra and little of this, let's check the fridge etc.). This 1) is hard to stay up later than you should as your body isn't processing your huge dinner 2) easier not to skip going to learn/daven because you feel lazy post-eating 3) lessens your temptations (just like with a fast I at least don't feel such strong urges for lust as my body is weak) so to at night. Again if you eat dinner at 7 or so, then it's only a few hours until you should be getting ready to sleep. I find this definitely helps me feel more in control at night because after a long day and a geshmakt fress - I feel very lazy and ready to waste time on the computer. This, of course, does not count Shabbos when the computer is off, or if you have a mitzva like melva malka etc., then just plan on how you are going to spend your time post-fress (or better yet try to work on limiting yourself despite the availability of lots of food). There are two extra side benefits - easier to spend time with your kids (and/or learning as you don't feel tired) and probably healthier than eating a large dinner anyways. Also if you have a delicious dinner from your wife, no worries, say you are trying to cut back for a diet (tell her prior so she knows already), but eat for lunch and/or breakfast. Have a gezunt other meals.
2) When you see lady and have a desire, try to think of her as a person. I know this sounds kind of obvious. But when we desire a person, we are not really desiring a holy neshama to spend our lives together but more akin to a piece of meat. This lady is a person. Don't fight (again this is for people who have fallen and are not exactly holding by never thinking of the opposite sex) thinking of her, just try to channel it solemnly about it because that's the actual emes. Say to yourself the following (as an example):
This lady has no respect for herself, she dresses this way to impress. She must feel so empty inside and just wants to have self esteem. Isn't it so sad that she doesn't have a connection with Hashem or real self-worth. She lives in a society that is giving such bad advice, she was a little kid one time who was tarnished, and now she's a nebach. Oy, how lucky am I to be a Jew and have mitzvos. etc.
Or if she is frum, and let's say she is attractive, so wish she gets a good shidduch, give her bracha (this is to yourself btw, not to her). Or this is a holy bas yisrael, etc.
This is like saying have emuna - duh! But alas there are many sefarim on emunah and more yet to come. It's obvious but not so easy practically. One of the things I think plagues society with separation of the sexes is we don't respect the opposite sex because it's really hard (see my third suggestion) to be married, to think of women as people when society just makes them into objects by advertisements and mode of dress (not too mention the proliferation of pornography).
3) Honestly consider how your relationship would go with a woman you are "interested in". This works for people that have married a few years and knows what its like after the original shine has worn off and eggs start flying across the kitchen (had a professor who used this term). It's hard enough trying to make a marriage work with someone like you, but let alone this stranger.
Example: Let's say I go out with this secretary. What if she says no, now I can't work here anymore - how embarrassing! What if I get sued, what will happen. How am I going to pay the bills? What will my kids think? What a headache when I get home and my wife gets word. Guess I'd have to move out. Can I afford two rents! I can't afford one! Is this really worth it? Even if one time, now for the rest of my time here it's going to be incredibly awkward. And if works for a while it will be nice but one day she could stab me in the back - take all my money or just leave. Sure she seems nice but I know a first date is not how people act in private. What if she has a terrible personality and I am stuck. O what an busha, what a terrible idea. Think, I can never have Shabbos because she's not Jewish, she is not interested in taking on the mitzvos, I'm throwing away all my life. This is dumb. 
The idea of this is that the yetzer wants you to get out the boxing gloves and wear yourself out trying not to think about a desire. So as a suggestion, start thinking about it but be honest, use the sadness and knowledge that desire leaves one empty and embarrassed. I think of this like the captive nonJewish lady in the Torah that you have to let mourn and disgust you. But we can't ask the jogger to please grow out her nails and cry over the avodah zara of her home, but we have to make her disgusting - because not that she isn't a person who should be gebentsched and find a nice zivug but for you it's trouble, oy the trouble, how awful will it be, what a terrible feeling years later you'll have and it won't ever not haunt you. What a disgusting idea!
Last Edit: 06 Nov 2018 06:02 by Calculator. Reason: grammar

Re: Few Suggestions 18 Dec 2018 06:20 #337906

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I have an idea, and I sort have been doing it subconsciously.
Wanted to share to see if anyone likes:

Make (or have in your mind) two lists:
1) Things you often fail at
2) Things you usually are successful

For example, someone might be fine with Shabbos morning davening with a minyan, but Sunday morning is hard. Not watching reality shows when your wife (or stam) does is easy, but sports or news is more tempting etc.

The list of things you often fail at - try to choose one to fix (my suggestion - the GYE problem) and declare you SHALL NOT FEEL GUILT ON THE OTHERS. Even if it's not you, you should have, you shouldn't have. Let it go. You are LIKELY doing it anyway, and the extra guilt is just destroying you. This doesn't mean just quit, but the reaction after having succumbed should be purely analytical. 
Few Examples:
Person wants to listen to holy words of Torah on commute but usually just listens to Talk or Sports Radio. Now on, try to listen to what you think you should (Torah) but if you just can't. So nu - move on. Let it go. It is what it is.
Person wants to not sleep in. Set an alarm, try to get to sleep early. You didn't - nu, maybe next time. No big deal, moving on until tomorrow.
Person wants to not eat when they are already full, try to say no, but if not - ok.
After a while, you won't feel like your whole day is one huge disappointment and you will have the energy to work on two things
1- the focused issue you are working on that's hard
2-the things that aren't that hard that only become hard when we are so distracted with feeling how terrible we are for listening to the Beatles.

Of course, the serious issue that one's contemplates needing therapy is truly important and must be focused on. Don't focus on the side things at once, one at a time, small steps, guilt-free.

If you have a non-GYE fall (you do something you feel is a waste of time, not right, etc.), ask yourself is this honestly something that I have consistently been successful with. If so, then I need to see what happened this time. If not, I need to add this to my things to fix list and let the guilt take a hike.   

Imagine opening a gemara, and Tosafos brings a gemara 20 daf later. Are you depressed for not knowing the whole gemara?
Why is your life, you who are a Holy Torah, so peshut that you can just open yourself up and immediately get the whole shakla v'taryah. The answer is no. We are extremely complicated, and we often need others to help us translate what we are even saying or doing. We need to face our problem like a gemara, trying to answer questions, but letting some sit, and move on, then later see if we can chap. Not to get political :-) but we can't just sit on Bais Amud Bais trying to solve all our problems because then we are tired and never are m'sayem ourselves. What's your etzem pirush,  - what's the p'shat in your kasha and what's a potential tirutz. Don't get caught up in trying to answer everything at once. Become a buki in you - seeing what you have problems with, what you are good at, and as you go start with a little pilpul.
Last Edit: 18 Dec 2018 06:23 by Calculator.
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