Alert: Possible triggers in this post.

Sunday morning, after leaving an AA meeting and dropping a friend off at a sober house, I began to drive home. At the end of his street one can go straight or turn right to get on the highway. I see two women jogging to the right and I immediately decide to go straight and not in the direction that they are in. Then I decide to take a second look and then I start thinking, I could legitimately go right to the highway. And so I go right. Here, I had immediately made the sane decision and then my thinking went haywire! As I was watching them. I was thinking ah they are probably two middle aged hags that will give me a look of scorn for looking at them, so don't bother looking at their faces. Of course at this point I was in the middle of insanity and I looked anyway and it was a huge trigger for me. My mind went totally insane and I can only account for making it through this ordeal okay by acknowledging an intervention from my Higher Power. I thought about my sobriety til now and how I didn't want to break it, I thought about GYE, I wanted to call a chaver but I didn't have my phone with me. (It is extremely unusual for me not to have my phone on me by the way!!! I'd forget my pants before I'd forget my phone.) I said a prayer and asked Hashem to get me through this and to take away my lustful thoughts and to guide me home. I made it home and immediately got my phone and made calls. The rest of the day was very difficult. I got myself out for a hike and to my regular Sunday AA afternoon and evening meetings. When I got home later at night I was fine. Actually, I was elated and felt great.


Anyway, being that things have been going really well and the obsession has been quiet for over a month, reflection was quite necessary . I realized that I had started becoming complacent and allowing my ego to become inflated and I was stealing quick glances here and there. It's crazy, like if I don't take that glance something will be missing from my life. I also had a stressful weekend and was allowing the stress and resentments to fester and I was acting like a jerk to my family Shabboss afternoon and motzei Shabboss. So the combination of my growing lack of shmiras anayim and not practicing the steps over the weekend lead to almost falling and a huge amount of stress and pain that I really don't need in my life anymore.

There's a lot of I's in that post . There is a lot of work to do .

I'm grateful for the opportunity to post in this forum.

It's a great step that you are actually posting your difficulties and your weaknesses, we have to "change the brain" meaning when we see something that "might" tirigger, immediately look away and change the thought and scenery, as part of Shmiras Einaim, is also passing the thought.

Recently I had something similar maybe even harder, I immediately surrendered to Hashem and started begging for strength to overcome the burning desire to pursue, and at the same time asked for something I need a yeshuah with, B"H I passed the test, it did reignite later on but then it was easier to pass.

Anyway I wish you much Hatzlacha on your journey.

Darn!
Don't tell me Guard or a mod got to that post before I read it.
T'was searchin' for the triggerin' parts.

Oh well....guess I'll go elsewhere for my fix....perhaps I'll try YW; maybe they'll have a pic of the third bank robber in Zurich, or I'll go to a news site, and see if I can catch a glimpse of the person runnin' to be the Democrat candidate for President (no! not the US of A!)

Serenity,

Thank you for sharing that experience and reminding us all that, especially for those who are pain averse, we cannot afford to slip!

You may want to review the posts about the three-second-rule (which has since made it into the GYE Handbook). It's a great tool for this type of situation.

Hatzlacha!

guardyoureyes.com/forum/2-What-Works-for-Me/29707-Some-Highlights-from-Addiction-Therapist-Michelle-Rappaport#29707

guardyoureyes.com/forum/2-What-Works-for-Me/29707-Some-Highlights-from-Addiction-Therapist-Michelle-Rappaport#29853

Thank you, Kedusha. I reviewed the posts and the information is helpful!

Thanks for creating this post title. Right now i feel the urge to act out. Reading your title reminded me that all it takes is a little slip. Its reminders like that that keep me clean. Thanks a million!

shomer bro wrote:


I tyr to understand posts, and yours - I usually do.
I read what you wrote on the ventin' post, but this one I'm not so sure I understand.
you wanna act out, but seein' that a slip hurts, you're gonna avoid actin' out?
If you were plannin' on slippin' I would understand....but your urge was to act out!?

Be it as it may, from your other post, you're doin' real swell!
Positive thinkin' and stayin' away from trouble.
forgive me for askin', but what are you doin' for recovery?

b'hatzlachah further - in all areas!

I meant, that your post reminded me to stop slipping period. Usually when i say i want to act out, it means i want to slip a little, and perhaps eventually act out. But its more of the slipping, even though i know that it always leads to an actual fall. So i just put it all into one category. Regarding recovery, I've been working on shemiras einayim and surrendering myself to Hashem. I may start talking to another gye member soon, also.

I'm having trouble right now. Last night at Chabad, I enjoyed being in a crowd of people, then went back to my empty house. I met students in law and medicine who are probably going to make a lot more money than I ever did (I'm almost old enough to be their grandfather). I feel like a lonely failure. Today I went to shul and saw the usual turnout of the usual 15 or so old folks like me. Then back to my empty house and bed.

Anyway, I got onto the Forum and used the Search feature to find appropriate topics. As I started typing, I found that the software popped up mostly words that go with the porn I've managed not to watch for over a month.

I've got to get away from this computer right now, and tomorrow (it's 12:30 in the morning where I live) I've got to resume the GYE program. I'm not going to make it otherwise.

Thanks for reading. Best to all.

Just to let you know that we feel for you.

Remain strong!

Any reason you picked this particular thread?

b'hatzlachah

Thanks so much for the encouragement. All the best to you.

Why this thread? Because I didn't want to create a new one for my message, and "Don't slip, it hurts" seemed to be a good theme for how I was feeling.

Mind you, that's how I WAS feeling about 6 hours ago. I forget who it was, but someone wrote that feelings of lust (or self-pity, or loneliness, or anger...) come in waves. They get weaker with time, until the next wave comes along of course.

You guys are GREAT!

Great to hear!

Thanks for bumping up my thread! I needed an ego boost today ! I'm trying to focus on my own recovery but it really helps me, or at least I think it does, when I can help other people. I'm grateful that you were able to find some chizuk here.

I can relate to what you're saying. When I meet Ivy Leagers, especially ones studying in my profession, I end up feeling very small. I don't have to feel that way anymore though, because God has a purpose for me and I'm right where I'm supposed to be! .

Thanks for your kind words. The funny thing is, when I was 22 years old and decided to enter this modestly-paid field, I never imagined that I would live to be 65, or that I would become more materialistic.

I accomplished what I set out to do: learn a trade (speech therapy) in which I could always get a job. My mistake, maybe, was to aim too low. Mind you, I don't know any doctors or lawyers who are thrilled with the work they do. I guess there must be some. I just haven't met them.

I've read Pirkei Avot ("Who is rich? He who is satisfied with his lot") ad nauseam but I'm unconvinced. Maybe the best thing for people like me is to make up my mind to enjoy what's in front of me. From my work, which includes visiting stroke survivors and Parkinson's Disease patients in nursing homes, I get reminders 2 or 3 times a week. Guess I'm just a slow learner.

I need to work on my emunah and on my belief that I have a purpose just as I am.

Thanks again for sharing.

You know that´s totally true, when you slip, is like you are drifting in a never ending ocean, and somehow a small breeze turns you in the wrong direction, and somehow without being aware that breeze becomes a strong tide, and there you are in your face, I believe we all have confronted that. But by getting a good tool like GYE, you can navigate those waters without fear of getting astray, its true Ive said is like trying to hit a nail with your bare hands it hurts, but with an appropiate a hammer its easy,
Thanks to Hashem GYE provides the tools.