After 60 days of being clean, I have come to the realization that I have to work on my atzvus which I now see as a source of my need to act out.
I decided to make GYE my place for working on this as well, for several reasons
1. It is only because of all my great friends in the GYE community that I have been able to get to this point, so I look at it as a sense of hakaros hatov to be able to help others if there is anybody who will be able to gain from my postings on this journey towards simcha amitis. (and seeing alot of posts about depression and sadness definitely seems to indicate that there are those around here)
2. This struggle is directly connected to my issues of lust, porn, and masturbation.
3. I can't think of a better way to be able to share my trials and successes than posting here and receiving feedback on what i have to say. (Until someone opens a guardyoursimcha web site)
4. I have a feeling that some of the things that I will be thinking about and wanting to express will be somewhat connected to aspects of the 12 steps.
so here we go on another exciting journey towards self growth.

As I wrote elsewhere, the anecdote to atzvus is being sameach bechelko, so on the road to simcha that is where we will focus.
I noticed over the last few days, that in general I feel that I am sameach bechelki HAshem has given me a wonderful wife, children, and success in many areas that I am involved in. There are are times when I am frustrated and think about other people's lives and become envious of certain aspects but I usually come back to the realization that Hashem has given me exactly what I need.
That being said, I realize now that in the course of the nitty gritty, the day to day or even hour to hour existence, I have never even thought to apply the klal of sameach bechelko. when things don't go the way i want or expected, it has been getting me down.
I never really realized that the reason I get feelings of sadness and minor depression symptoms is due to a lack of being sameach bechalki.
Hashem gives us what we need on a minute to minute basis. things aren't always the way we want it. I am referring to the small things, the phone call that disturbed us, the phone battery dying at the worst of times, the guy who yelled at us, etc.
I believe that many of those times that I am getting sad or feeling down it is because I fail to accept that this is my lot that Hashem wanted from me at this specific time.
So basically, the big realization here is that the concept of being sameach bechalko is not just in regards to our general situation in life, but is just as applicable in all the small details of our day to day lives.
So this is where I will be focusing for now. Sure enough today as I was davening Shacharis (late and beyichidus of course because I have such a hard time getting myself together in the morning) I had a wave of sadness flow through me without any real reason. I immediately thought of being sameach with the situation that I was in at that moment. It really picked me up and the rest of davening was great, I really connected to Hashem and it felt great. So that was a real case in point of how this will new realization should make my life better.

Ivdu es Hashem b'simcha.

Doesn't work to serve Him any other way!

That is true that there is no other way to serve Him. However it was nischadesh to me this week a new angle.
There are two aspects of simcha. One is directly related to Avodas Hashem and the other is more indirect - and that is the chidush.
Ivdu es Hashem Besimcha is pashtus referring to when you are doing a specific mitzvah, that you should do it besimcha.
The aspect of being sameach bechelko is more of a general attitude - not directly related to any mitzvos in particular. When one is besimcha in general it is easier to do the mitvohs and prevent oneself from being nichshal in lo saaseys.
Many times (at least for me) I find myself falling into a general sadness or depression. I have realized that this comes more often than not because I am frustrated at how things are working out or not. For example, if I want to go learn and it doesn't work out, Or if I was hoping to get work done and I didn't manage it etc. Also, sometimes I get depressed over things that I have to be dealing with when i would rather be able to focus on more uplifting or meaningful things.,
Realizing that this is my chelek RIGHT NOW - to not be learning, or to not be able to focus on the things that would be more meaningful is very helpful to stay in control of my emotions and be stable to do what it is that I must be doing right now. Because that is what Hashem wants for me right now and that is the best thing for me, so I am happy that this is what Hashem has put on my plate right now.
And one more point to bring it back to our lust struggles. The same concept can be applied when I want (or expect) to be with my wife and it doesn't work out because she isn't in the mood or whatever. instead of being frustrated and getting depressed I will try to focus on being happy with all that Hashem has given me at the present time. From that angle a little inconvenience should hopefully be manageable.

This morning I got frustrated about a certain chisaron that my wife had. I said something to her and the timing was bad, so I really got it over the head (relatively for your relationship that is- It wasn't even a scream but it stung)
So while my previous reaction might have been getting upset, annoyed, and eventually sad about it, instead I thought to myself that I should be happy with what I have.
My first thought process was that I should realize all the good that I have in life and all the good that my wife has and be mekabel besimcha. That was great. It stopped the anger, the frustration and so on.
But then I realized that I should take it to the next level. I realized that that is not really being mesameach bechelko. I should really be happy with the chisaron itself. So i thought to myself how can I be happy that she has that issue?
And then it hit me. that chisaron itself has its positive aspects to it. I benefit tremendously from the plus sides. In fact some of the things that makes her such a great wife are only possible BECAUSE she has that particular chisaron.
I was amazed that I never really realized that in all the 15+ years of our marriage.
Well needless to say it was very easy at that point to be sameach in this chelek that I have.
so instead of frustration sadness and ruining my entire day, I was zoche to the realization of what a great wife I have and how good Hashem is to me. what a better way to live.

unanumun wrote:
I have found my "timing" is always bad. Please tell me, when is a good time?

(I couldn't find a sarcasm smiley.)

there is bad and there is BAD

Ok. The time has come to dust off this thread and start working on simcha once again.
In case you are wondering what this has to do with ellul and rosh hashana, the answer is nothing. just that this post is coming a few days before rosh hashana.

In trying to figure out why i have been so depressed lately, and after chatting and emailing some of the guys here to discuss it, I came back to the nekuda of being sameach bechelko. And then I remembered about this thread.

Part of surrendering to Hashem is to do what Hashem wants me to do and not what I want to do. That goes hand in hand with being sameach bechelko.
I went through a long tekufa of being overwhelmed with things. I kept thinking to myself "I really need a vacation...I really need to get away for a few days." but i wasn't able to.
so after a while the frustrations of having to deal with Hashem wanted from me and not what I wanted to do, built up more and more until the point that I was far from being mesameavh bechelko. - The natural result for me was sadness and depression.
I have a strong tendecy towards sadness and laziness (they come from the same yesod heafar) and the way to lift up is through being sameach bechelko. Without that lifting me up that is where i ended up - depressed and lazy.

So now I have identified the problem and it is full speed ahead on the road to simchas hachayim

Sure it has to do with Elul!

Elul/Tishrei is about accepting Hashem as our king.

Being sameach b'chelko is saying that you are appreciative of what Hashem has given you and that you trust in Him that He is giving you exactly what you need.

Accomplishment brings simcha, whether it is in the beis medrash or just a project like building a sukkah, or even doing a puzzle. Get involved in things that give you a sense of accomplishment. Taking on an achrayus (a chessed or a service) can get you out of laziness and give you a sense of accomplishment.

thank you.
One of the guys told me a great vort:
it says חזק ויאמץ ליבך strengthen and strengthen your heart.
By doing positive actions, it strengthens the heart.

but in regards to my personal situation the opposite is the case. Too much involvement. I have to learn to be happy with all my involvement and not feel overwhelmed by it

Ok, it was a bit different. (Have a look here for the riginal post.)

Strengthen, and HE will strengthen your heart.

Also, positive is relative, it's not always the right thing to be on GYE. At that time, the pasuk would be telling us to do whatever is the right thing to do, even though we're not in the mood and would rather be on GYE!!

I stand corrected

Gee I just noticed that the post after the one you linked is a complete quote of one of my vorts.
Thanks. Reading that again gave me chizzuk as well.

unanumun wrote:


Today I came to the realization that Ivdu es Hashem Besimcha is connected to being mesameach bechelko as well. Getting to a darga of mesameach bechalko is realising that whatever is going on is from Hashem. I have to go to this errand or that errand because that is what Hashem wants from me.
If we keep this in mind the whole day, then the whole day becomes an avodas Hashem regardless of any specific mitzvohs. Once that happens you can be driving to the atm machine across town because the one closer to your home is not working, and at the same time realize that Hashem wants me to have to shlep to the other side of town. The traveling then becomes avodas hashem and then you can be oived es hashem besimcha. And drive besimcha. That's what happened to me today and I just found myself singing ivdu es Hashem besimcha on the way to the ATM that was 15 minutes away from my house.