To all my dear brothers
Mazel Tov!! The day has come, 90 clean days!
(Its actually around 130, I was just scared to celabrate )


The reason I'm posting my storyis: Primarily to share with the oilam "what worked for me" - what really made a difference and what was less helpful.

Also I want you to see that GYE website is more than just the website -Its a train station! In the beginning I was on the wrong train - but I returned over and over again, until I was able to get on to the right one.
So if your recovery doesn't go as planned, don't worry keep coming back and you will see results. (My first post was about 18 months ago)



The first time I came across GYE - I was completely destroyed. I just had another major fall.
Since I was 10, I'd been looking at inappropriate stuff. As I grew up - my dark side within, always grew along. I would spend hours every night after yeshiva watching movies and porn.
It usually was first "movies is not that bad." After a couple of hours of watching movies - I felt terribly empty and like a complete failure. how could I, I - one of the best guys in yeshiva - waste so much time? watching this?
This feeling is so unbearable - the only thing that seemingly could soothe it was porn. Or so I thought, because after having watched porn and having masturbated - that feeling just got worse and worse.
It was terrible double life. On the outside a good bochur, learning the entire day... and yet so rotten on the inside. Any recognition or compliment would be accompanied by the ringing voice in my head "You don't deserve this! You are a pervert!"
I tried to stop - but I could not! I needed the relaxation (read: escape) that I would get from movies. I could not live without movies.


So back to the night where I found GYE. I just had come to a new Yeshiva in EY. A new country, a new chevra with a rather old vision "never again!" Chanukah was very inspiring, and I thought to have found the golden path. And then I crashed, so low - I didn't want to get up again. I was tired fighting. I desperately tried to find another movie - I needed to escape this terrible life I was in...never to return ...instead I landed on GYE!!!


Now here something that may help you too:
When I singed up I made a firm decision: WHATEVER IT TAKES!! I made up my mind that no matter what I would need - I would do. Even if it meant going to real SA .
Being a bochur gave me extra incentive - I need to be ready for marriage! Only later was I taught by my sponsor: "sobriety is for sobriety - not for my future wife or for anything else", witch proved essential.


My first post took about three days to wright. I was very scared. I joined the 90-day chart and made some heavy duty taphsiks. I knew I was saved.
Wrong!!! Nothing really changed within me - and I fell. I did post about it, payed my taphsik duties (witch included a fast). But I was still falling...


OK, Is was time take it a step further: I started chatting with guys on the forum. It was the first time I ever was so open to someone. We spoke about the type of stuff I was watching - during that chat my entire body was shivering it felt like real change. I also started a thread, where I would update my status and share my thoughts of the week - I felt safe.


BANG! I fell again. Harder than ever before. I knew it was time to take it to the next level. So I went to visit a shrink. Turns out the theme in my life was "I am a failure! Even though I was a very good bochur and all - but I myself didnt feel that way. I should be learning 24/7! I should be the most sociable bochur! I should be perfect! - and I'm NOT! This "I'm a failure" message was such an intrinsic part of me, I didn't know any different. This was the way life was.

It took a while, and it was work. I needed to let out to of all my fears all my expectations and my deepest emotions. Turn out that I'm not such a bad guy after all! But in order to see that I needed to accept myself - with all my dark and uncomfortable sides. And wow! Life has changed so much in the past year. In the past when I woke up late - I would really hate myself. Often I needed to act out - before I even could consider to get out of bed. Now, even if a wake up late - I'm ok with it. I have so many great parts to myself, and from time to time I oversleep - nunu! That happens!

40 clean days - I was dancing with joy! I knew I'm over the hill.... And I fell once again!
I think hashem sends us this nisayon to send us in a certain direction. And if we refuse to take the necessary steps, we will hit me (tenderize) again and again until we let go and accept to take the necessary steps. However, It seemed I wasn't on the right track yet...
But where do I go from here?

Then a GYE group was formed in yerushalyim. And I joined. We had weekly meetings and shared. It was helpful, but what made the group really valuable where the friendships I was able to make there. Friendships like none other - being talk about anything and not being judged. However I was only was able to stay clean for about a month. I fell every month like clockwork.


By now its bein hazmanim(vacation), Witch was always a complete disaster. It remained a disaster BUT my perspective changed -and this was the beginning of the my recovery.

What happened? I listened to a shiur that was posted on the forum. The speaker explained the dynamics of "change" - how can a person "change?" One of the points was a real eye opener: "you have to realize that when you make a decision to change - its purely up to God. So when the change worked even for one day - you have to say Hallel and thank God for this miracle. HOWEVER if the change did not work out - that's totally fine. You are the same person that you have been all along. And Hashem - said no for today! So there is no reason to get angry at yourself for not having made "the grand brake thru"
With this mindset - I continued acting out - guilt free! I was ready to accept that some things are wont change over night.

I was able to live a very rich life during those days. Even though I was still acting out - But I was "tasting" what life really was supposed to be like. This was my first step into real recovery.


Fast forward a couple of weeks. I joined "Duvid Chaim's Conference Calls", they where very good and I felt it was doing me alot of good. Still not managing to stay clean for substantial amount of time, Duvid Chaim told me "Lets meet by a "real SA meeting" - its what separates the Men from the Boys"
In the end, I realised SA is not for me, not at this point. I continued SA for the suggested "trial-period", but that's where it ended. I encountered what real humility is - seeing 65yr frum man who starts weeping about powerlessness touched me deeply.

I know that working the 12steps helps me tremendously - and I still continue working them. I also know that if I don't take care of my issue - my issue will progress to real addiction and I will need SA again. I'm happy that I already walked thru that door because if I ever will need it again, I wont have to brake the ice another time.


I am at the end of my letter, and I'm wondering: "What was what really made the change?" The answer is I am not so sure. I needed to start at the bottom of the latter and slowly climb up every step.. from taphsik to SA until I found what works for me.
For right now: 1) Fully open relationships 2) the GYE (oink) meetings group and 3) working the steps. These are the three pillars upon witch my sobriety stands.



I would like to thank GYE for ..my Life! I am no different than a patient that needed a kidney transplant. My blood was so filthy, I was about to die. Thanks for everything you do.
Special thanks also to Dov - witch was the surgeon, when I first spoke to him it really hurt, but that what doctors do. He send me to a therapist. I will never forget you. (And might bother you again, hehe)
and to bother skeps witch I don't want to thank to much, because then he will think I'm far from done with him


Finally thank you Hashem, I don't know why I was put in to this Nisayon but I'm glad to have reached this point. I've become stronger in many ways. As I mentioned once "Porn" was just the "Tip of the iceberg", and if not for porn - i guess life would have collapsed in one way or another way and at a way less convenient point. So thank you hashem for giving me the strength to change. Help me continue (for today), together with all brothers here on GYE.


Avrom

Mazel TOV!!!

A great lesson in: we can't change over night.

It was a pleasure meeting you at OINK and I am so happy for you!!!

excellent writing!
the depth, the thoughts, the pickin' yourself up, the efforts, the work ethic, the reachin' out, the postin', the commitment.....we all can just take one of those things and we should be better off.

Sh'koyach!

b'hatzlachah onward!

Welcome back Avrom,
thanks for the wonderful update.

you should be zocheh to continue machayil el chayil!
and to KOT!

AMEN!
Thanks for all the chizzuk! it feels good to be back on GYE...
And hey, it's bein hazmanim!! (Read: DANGER!!)

Avrom


ummm, No. Bein Hazmanin is anything you make of it. Perhaps its a chance to reconnect with GYE. Maybe refresh yourself with key recovery principles.

Plus why even says its "DANGER." Don't worry.... it will be ok. One day at a time. There is no "DANGER" in bein hazmanim, just "RECOVERY." More recovery that is.

So have a nice, relaxfull bein hazmanin!

Avrom, thanks for being the instrument towards pushing me to change. I may not be healed, I will never be. But your dedication pointed me in the right direction. It was good to read your story. Mine is much longer, I hope to have as happy an ending. And I know, there are no endings. But this post signifies some sort of a beginning. If you know what I mean.

Its written in your eyes that your a fighter...!!! (Forgot the rest of the song )

But really, you are a great guy TZ and we all know it!! May your story start happy-chapter bekarov!

Thanks for the update, it was greatly appreciated, and I'm glad you're doing well!

(And I know you are already aware of this) ...but I'm going to nitpick a bit (anyway).

Avrom


It's not what worked for you, it's what works for you.

It is very important that no matter how many days, months, years, etc. we are clean, that we not allow ourselves to become complacent and think that we've overcome it. If there's one thing we can learn from falling over and over again, it's that at times we can feel like we're at the top of the world, but if we are not careful, we risk falling and getting stuck in the old trap again.

Mazel tov!

Keep shteiging.

It's only going to get easier.

(Does this count as a reply?)

Mazel Tov Avraham!
I get so much chizzuk from you!
May HKB"H stand by your side and protect your every step!

Thanks. Awesome!!!

מזל טוב רבי אברהם
אי"ה ביי אונז אויף שמחות

for

130 days

of helping me stay ALIVE = clean!

ok so heres for all of you who are going to ask me "What did it for me??"

DUH - I just told you!!!
HASHEM did it!