I read a post where Dov wrote that if we can't have normal relationships with the people around us, then we can't expect to hold a normal relationship with Hashem.

I've started to realize that I'm bad with relationships. This isn't depressing, it feels good to finally start to see where things were coming from.

These underlying issues have made me distant from those around me (emotionally). And I think that because of this I have resorted to fantasies in my head.

Besides suffering from p and m, I also feel a need to watch regular movies. For me that is a bad thing, I had "quit" watching movies when I was younger and getting "frummer". (I still remember one Motzai Shabbos when my family was watching a movie together and I didn't join. Instead I went down to the computer and looked at p! How embarrassing and depressing!) I feel this urge because the feeling of living in the movie plot feels so good to me. I usually replay a movie in my mind for weeks after watching. And I'm not talking about the inappropriate scenes.

I have realized that I have to get out of the fantasy world in my head. Opening up on this forum is good, but I need to do it with those around me also.

I think my poor social habits were due to 2 things mainly:
-1- Self-centeredness
-2- Emotionally closed/ quiet natured

This combination spells disaster for marriage (b"h it hasn't done that yet).

Being that selfishness is a problem here, it seems odd that I believe the first relationship I need to work on is with "him". That's right, not with her, and not with Him (Hashem), but with him... meaning me. Yes, I have a bad relationship with myself. I am unaccepting of myself, sometimes hate myself, unforgiving of myself, too demanding of myself, not secure/confident with myself, and most of all not real with myself. So not out of selfish motives, rather for the sake of self-improvement, this is where I think I must start.

And the truth is, since joining GYE, I don't hate myself so much anymore for all my acting out. And I also don't think I'm so great anymore for the mitzvos that I do- Pretty ironic, but true. I see I don't have to be perfect, and I also see that I am not. I also can accept that I have a real lust issue, which is not a good thing, but it doesn't make me bad

So after much rambling, what I'm saying is that my first step of working on my self-centered life of lust is by working WITH myself. Hopefully then I can begin to think of others and care for them, and eventually come to know Hashem... Sound crazy? If you were patient/bored enough to read through this, please comment.

Thanks to all

You make a lot of good points. Did you ever check out the Dr Sorotzkin stuff on perfectionism. I have a link to his site in my signature.

Closed, quiet, lonely, those are all common traits of a sex addict.

You talk about self-acceptance and your relashionship with yourself.

That comes by sharing with others. Isolation is poison for us. Connecting to real people helps us connect to G-d, and to ourselves. The starting point is connecting to others. It comes first, not last.

gibbor120 wrote:


Thanks, point well taken. I didn't think that I could do it without connecting to others. I just meant that I can't improve my way of dealing/caring for others, before I learn how to deal with myself.

Maybe even that's not right. just throwing out my thoughts.

Wow!! There is SOOOOOO much I relate to in that post!! Quiet (did that really change? or was it just surpressed?), movies and replaying the scenes, not accepting myself.....WOW!!!!

I think you are right, we cannot have a relationship with others, if we don't know who "we" are!! I think that what gibbor is suggesting is that the only true way to realize who we are, is to connect with others, to be open with others about our shortcomings, about our not being perfect (ME?!? NOT PERFECT?!)

Being open with safe people, and them understanding us, and us relating to what they experience, is what takes away our mental block of not accepting ourselves.

So get out there, the forum is great, but the more real the openess, the more real the acceptance!!

You have come a long way, just KOMT!!!!

When I was a kid I had an obsession with Superman. Watched all the movies with a towel on my back as my cape. Anyone relate to that?

Well I realized that I never really got over it. Only in a more grown-up sense. I still dream of being a superhero. Meaning to be perfect and better than others.

This can affect even our frum acts. I see now that some of my she'ifa to be the gadol hador (in between periods of acting out ) was really just an attempt to be a learning superhero. It made me tense at times when I wasn't growing at superhuman speed. Or when I wasn't the best out there. I doubt that's real kinnas soifrim.

Anyway, I'm starting to get more comfortable with the idea of being a regular (somewhat) mortal. I need to work on doing what Hashem wants from me now.

So basically, you won't be seeing any red capes in the next Kupat Ha'ir poster

I don't mean that I'm stopping to shteig. Just working with who I am, and quitting all that day-dreaming.

hunjy1 wrote:
Great! Dr Sorotzkin talks about that. If I remember correctly, he quotes a gadol saying a person can't be great until they are ok being regular.

I relate so much with that post, of the "fantasy" of being an oveid Hashem one day.....I didn't want to be an oveid Hashem the way I am now, only with ruach hakodesh etc. (a little exagerated, but not much)

We are ovdei Hashem, just the way we are!! It's an amazing fact!!! We made it!! We're there!!! WOOOHOOOO!!!!!!

KUTGW!!!

(KIT, I PM'd you)

So I'm getting to know myself... there's some good stuff to work with, but a lot of work needs to be done.

I need to break out of my bubble. To stop being so self-centered and self-absorbed. (I'm not beating up on myself, just picking something to work on).

Any ideas? What works for you to help/think of others?

- A Posheter Yid (aka clark kent, but without the secret identity, I'm done with those )

Reach out to others. Talk to them. Do for others. Share yourself with others. Don't stay in your own head. (it'a a dangerous place y'know )